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I know my ex is in denial - but so am I. Its been almost 2 weeks since I last spoke to him - and 2 weeks since I bottomed out wanting to end my life because the person I love couldnt handle being the nice person he always was to me - because he is an ADDICT. I took it personally - and in some ways still do.
I'm in denial because in the back of my mind - I am so convinced he will change - that he will get help. That he will come back and apologize for being such a jerk. But who am I kidding? He has been an addict since he was in his teens - bouncing from house to house - attaching to women who have problems of their own. He did crack, he did coke, he is now hooked on opiates. Who am I kidding??? He is 28 with no change in his life for the better in reality. I thought he had changed for the better but where is all his money - where is his life - why is he hanging out with the type of people he is hanging out with?
It isnt going to change - he doesnt WANT to change. He wants to continue to smoke pot - and the more he does that the more he will want to do other things. He will escape - from everything ALL THE TIME.
Maybe saying this outloud - in writing will help. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. THIS ISNT ABOUT ME. HE ISNT GOING TO CHANGE. I WAS LUCKY TO BE ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD TO SEE THE GOOD IN HIM.
Hi thank u for posting. I get that way. I think look things are going so well will he get some help and change and then i let my guard down and then he starts all over again. Hang in there life will get better.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
none of this is our fault.. we all thought if we loved our guys enough and treated them right... and were happy in themselves they wouldnt feel the need to do what they do.... but thats the wrong approach to take.
they are addicts..and cyn.. i was where you are now..about a month and a half ago.... thinking if i supported him enough he wud stay clean and sober... but he doesnt "WANT IT BADLY ENOUGH".. he wants the buzz, he wants the life of a bum... living in hostels, bumming money, sleeping with god knows what, never having the security and safety of a proper home and loving family... just living from day to day in oblivion.
we all wish our "a" s wud change........... well from where im standing there is no hope for mine. being in over 18 treatment centres in 4 years should have told me something before i fell in love with him! as i said before cyn... he isnt reasponsible now he never has been and he never will. he owes money everywhere..banks..etc... police are looking for him too and he's mentally unstable with all that crap he's putting into his system... but we must remember.. no one is pouring that stuff down there throats... THEY WANT TO DO IT...EVERY DAY...
thats not my life cyn... and nycbt.. i doubt its yours too!
STAY STRONG...I PROMISE IT WILL GET EASIER. DONT GIVE IN...as i learnt you just get hurt even more and let down time and time again...
Denial is a defense mechanism with in us to protect that which is too painful to look at. Living with an "a" can kill dreams, relationships, trust, and sanity. Living with an "a" is living with huge amounts of loss and disappointment. There are five stages to accepting grief/loss. Denial is the stage that can take years to get out of. I believe I lived in denial that my "a" could get sober, keep stable employment, be a responsible guy for almost two years. I'm probably still in denial to some degree because we're back in counseling trying to work on our anger and communication in the relationship. I think the difference for me now is I have this program and am learning the tools on how to change myself and accept that I chose this relationship for one reason or another. Don't beat yourself up over being in denial, alot of people say denial is being "blind", I think in some ways thats true, but denial can also be used for good. It allows us to prepare ourselves to take the next step in our lives. Just my thoughts and feelings, take what you like. Hang in there
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You are so right about his addiction not being about you. If repeating that to you helps, keep doing it.
My A today was looking at me with such hatred when talking about me calling her psychiatrist. The look was interesting. It wasn't the anger of someone who loved you and whom you caused pain. It was a crazed look. Like she was going crazy in a way living the obsession of an addiction. She didn't look at me like how can you do this to me.....more like...a terrorized animal on the defense.
She had a real interesting slip. IN the car she said you always exaggerate when you talk to the doctors.....two sentences later she asked, "why do you think it's up to you to tell the truth" Wow Jackpot. The admission she of her lies at deciet that she is not willing to make to anyone else, she does know deep inside. That doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel sad. It must suck to know deep down all this, yet be so consumed that you can't admit it to your ownself. It must eat at your soul of being each day.
I hope you keep looking inside yourself. I know you miss him. I think you might miss you too. You know what? The substances have control over him, they don't cloud his thinking, the totally cut it off. I hope you see that you miss you too and that your worth working it, so that you can make yourself happy. Despite all the pain.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Hang in there