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I found a picture that my eight year old son drew yesterday. It was very violent. It showed a boy being stabbed by swords and axes. I asked him about it and he said he was just bored.
When I showed it to my husband, my A, he thought it was funny and it was just a "boy" thing. I didn't think so and showed it to my parents. They agreed with me that it was disturbing.
I ended up bringing it to the school principal who happens to be a friend. I had her look at it and give me her opinion before I told her about what's going on at home. She said it showed a very angry boy who was in a lot of pain. When I told her about the situation, she asked me why I haven't left yet. She said growing up with an alcoholic is one of the most painful and damaging things a child can experience. It turns out she grew up with alcoholics in her life and goes to al-anon as well. She gave me some suggestions for counselors for my son and told me it takes a stronger person to leave the A than to stay, especially where kids are concerned.
Makes me so sad. My children are getting old enough that they are acting out on this. The principal pointed out that my son left the picture where I could see it and could have hidden it or thrown it away. She said we need to teach him to talk about his feelings rather than draw them.
The other day my daughter saw a beer bottle in the garden. She said "I know why your flowers died. They were drunk." She's 11. Maybe that was just the Dare program coming out, but makes me wonder.
Would anyone be willing to share their experience about how their kids did after a divorce? I worry so much about which way I'm going to screw them up worse...staying with their alcoholic father or leaving. I guess I'm beginning to get my answers.
im 24 yrs old and was raised by my mom and grandma. my mother left a stressful and bad situation so i wouldnt have to go throu it all.she was pregnant with me when she cut all contact with my father. by all accounts he wouldnt have won any fathers day awards. michele... just so you know... i left my exboyfriend 3 mths ago...
he was a recovering alcoholic and drugaddict... and was clean and sober when i met him a year and 7 months ago. we went out for a year and a half and it was the best time of my life.... we had so much to do and had so much fun. we got our own apartment and i helped him set up a business.. we had evrything going for us michele.. before he threw it all away. his drug dealing scumbag friends came back on the scene and he changed from a caring loving boyfriend who used to leave me love notes on the fridge every day and gave me massages to help me fall asleep.. to a guy who drank himself into oblivion every day and night and popped 15-20 pills a day...as well as doing lines of coke at his mates houses. he was a jekyll and hyde character.. not the guy i had fallen in love with. feel free to read my previous osts in here so you get the full story.
michelle i caouldnt possibly live in that situation... i wouldnt dream of putting a child throu it. if i was you id be moving o outer mongolia to escape your husband. your kids are going to pick up on that situation sooo fast. your daughter is going to grow up believing that it is o.k to be treated like that... even put up with verbal, emotional and possibly physical abuse. my ex always talked about having a baby... thank god for contraceptives because there is no way i could have had a child with him....
michele i know its hard and i know the pain is unbearable at times... but whats more important.. your husbands drinking or the childrens happinesss and health??? the future of them relies on you now.. they have no one else to protect them....your sons picture was full of hate... maybe hes afraid that his dad will harm him in some way when he's drunk..or maybe he wants to do that to his dad... hurt him... because he's sooo angry and mad at him. please read my post "sudden realisation".....i think its on page 3 of these message boards... please michele think about you and your children... you dot want them to be future druggies and delinquents or even victims of abuse themselves. keep sharing.
I definitely feel your pain. I struggle myself with do I leave or do I stay. I myself come from a divorced home. My father was very verbally and emotionally abusive to myself, my brother, and my mom. I remember being so angry at everyone and life during that time. I blocked my mom and dad out because I hated them for separating. As I got older and experienced my Dad's abuse on my own I understood why my mom left. She did it because she would have probably died if she stayed. She did it so that my brother and I could try to have some peace as well. Someone in one of my F/F meetings brought up this subject, she feared for her nieces who were living with active alcoholism. She said she realized they were going to be o.k. because they have HP too. So many women have told me that they wish they had program when their kids were younger because it would have allowed the kids to see alcoholism as the disease that it is, that they didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The bottom line, you have to do what you feel is right for you and your kids. Maybe your kids are ready for program too if they are not already connected. When I got to Alanon I learned it was o.k. to be honest with my kids about Daddy's drinking and to protect them from any harm that could come their way when Dad is too drunk, I have a safety plan if and when this happens. (Go to my brother's or mom's house for the weekend, night whatever). Also, recently I was told to not make any rash decisions until I've put in at least a year into program. Someone said the tools I'll learn from now to a year from now, may change how I feel about my marriage to an "a".
Good Luck and Hugs to you
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is so hard to see the kids hurting. They do see it and they do get effected by it. Wether to stay or go is a very personal decision and no one can tell you what would be best for you or your family.
I agree with the Principal, you should talk with them. If they feel funny talking at first draw pictures with them, or even use puppets or action figures. Our school system has counseling for addiction in relatives for every age group. My kids have been involved in it for years. It has not made the problem go away, but they do not blame themselves and they understand if not accept my husbands alcoholism.
You don't have to make any decisions right away, but you can help yourslef and help your children.
I was divorced last year and I was so afraid for my daughter. My A divorced me! He said I was too controlling and told a bunch of lies about me to the court. My daughter and I are much closer now but we have been forced into joint custody. So he has her 40% of the time and takes her to bars with him! She is only 4 yrs old! I just focus on what I can control and with the help of the program I am happier than ever before. It wasn't easy but it is better than living in in an angry house full of chaos. I was told when I started the program not to make any decisions for one year. My A made the decision to divorce. But with the love and support I have found in alanon I know I can get through anything. Keep coming back it works!
Michelle I work in Early childhood. I would encourage your child to keep painting it is a form of expression for the feelings that he is holding in. Instead of trying to analyse the paintings from an adult perspective ask your son to tell you about his paintings. eg That's a great painting can you tell me what your picture is about? Sometimes kids will do a really lovely painting of something and then totally paint over the top of it and this again is a reflection of some of the emotions they are feeling. You are lucky to have your friend the Prinicpal to confide in and who also understands the situation having genuinely experienced it for herself. Take care of you and your children first. No-one can make the decison for you whether you should leave or stay. We are here for you whichever path you choose. Luv Leo xx
