The material presented
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Well, I if you were in chat you know I kinda went off on my A this morning.
I tried to make amends....well ya know what I didn't try. I did make amends. I said I was sorry, I explained that I my concern but that I shouldn't have acted like I did. Making sure I understood my lesson from a previous post where we apologize w/ no expectations of acceptance, it certainly wasn't accepted. There was silence. I asked did you hear what I said? Said yes, and I said OK.
Then she proceeded to tear into me about everyone under the sun. I forgot to say the serenity prayer but still maintined my calm. She was viscious and mean. But even some of the meanest things she said, I used a program response that I hadn't yet. "You might be right." It was easy....why? because while she may have said them mean, they were things that I've been seeing trying ot work this.
Then she went off on me for not buying her a anniversary dinner or lunch. How we got here from parenting? Only the stinking thinking knows. She asked for chinese. I said I didn't have money. Now this was supposed to be the annivesary lunch. What about chinese 2 weeks ago? Didn't want to hear that. That manipulation was in full gear. And so was my confiction. :)
I could fully understand and appreciate some of her concers. It took gave me some armour and I didn't take nearly as much battle damage as I have in the past with such comments. I apolgized one more time that I did not mean to upset her by apologizing. She replied something along the lines that she doesn't feel like we are husband and wife anymore. In some respects, with the bottle both of our issues, that's true. We aren't in this place and time.
Oh well, not sure if this made sense to anyone or was just a ramble but it helped to let it out. LOL
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
You give me strength, bumpsters! I see you clinging toe verything & trying so very hard, being open with your kids & A.
Step 9 says, we try when we can. Maybe she couldn't hear it today. Kinda like my A, I've been thinking about writing children's books, but maybe I've thought If I wrote one to A's since they don't seem to understand the meaning of "manners".
We can never know when God opens our ears, eyes, hearts & minds but surely HP has opened yours & Blessed you. Hang in there, you know it is the disease talking, not the woman you married.
Be kind & gentle with yourself, you have come a long way! In the beginning of all of this (my own personal A-bomb in late July) - I would tell my mother, "if you can't beat them. beat them harder". It would make her laugh. Give yourself a break, all of this is so new & changes frighten ppl, so just focus on yourself & what you need, it will come. You certainly were strong for me last night... sometimes we just aren't in a good place to accept anything positive about ourselves.
Never forget, baby, even microscopic steps are still steps forward. (TTY soon)
Love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Bob, when I used to see myself as backed into a corner, I did the same thing your wife did. I'd stockpile resentments and then pull them all out at once when the last straw broke.
Today I see that wasn't a fair way to handle things, and I try not to do it anymore. My husband used to walk away when I would do this, and that would piss me off even more. Now I see that as the sane response. Why argue with someone who isn't listening? There's a time for being assertive, and there's a time for discussions. But it isn't when emotions are flying.
I love your use of "You may be right." Nothing deflates things quicker than that...lol I believe there are no mistakes just opportunities for improvement. Do the best you can see to do with what's in front of you and go from there. You're doing better than you think. Love the honesty of your posts...hang in there....
P.S. The reason I wanted to respond to ur post in the first place, is it remeinded me of something my mother sd in the beginning, "I've turned the other cheek so many times, you would think I would have none left."
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for sharing your experiences here. It helps for me to learn and look at our life. I am to the point where I will not talk to my spouse anymore until we can talk civily. We may need a cooling off period but when the conversations get loud and mean, it is stop. I need my energy and discussing things in a loud manner for me, takes alot of energy out of me. I still see you doing great and I so enjoy and learn from your shares :) cdb
OMG I just reread my post. Riddled w/ grammitcal and spelling errors. Oh well, glad there is no english police here, LOL
I forgot one thing I said. It made sense to me at the time. I'm not sure if it was mean. When ragging on me for not buying lunch, she had moved from Chinese to an Italian Hero, I still said no, I need to save for Christmas. She started to get huffy and I finally just said, "Look, why should I treat you better than I treat myself? I'm not buying myself anything because we have no money."
I hope it didn't sound like I was saying I was better than anyone else. That was no my intent.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My anniversary was on Thanksgiving day. I got a mushy card that morning..thing was, I must have stood at the card aisle for 45 min looking for one. I too harbor resentments, and one was happening at that time. My A was on good behavior (controlled drinking) for a week while around his Mom, sisters and brother. I tried to push that back but that little devil kept saying "If he can do this for them, why not me"? After 17 Anniversaries where all I asked is that he be sober, it has NEVER happened. Honestly, it's all I ever asked for. This year I didn't even try to make that request. I never did find the answer as to why he could get his alcohol under control for a week for HIS family..But I did find a card :) It had 2 polar bears on the front lazily lounging on a rock. It said: Another Anniversary? Inside it said: Can you stand the excitement"? It was the best I could do..lol It came and went, uneventful as usual..but this year was much better. I wasn't somewhere crying. I realized I've been hanging on to each one of those anniversaries with resentments..I handed that over and replaced it with resentment due to what he was doing in front of his family..lol The guy can't chatch a break. He only had 2 beers on Thanksgiving. I finally got what I wanted and missed it because I was too busy resenting. OY Vay!!! So I had to remind myself what resentments do, eat us alive. I've "almost" let that go to. He is who he is. OK, so this had nothing in common with your post but the Anniversary..lol I must have needed to spill it...ty love ya Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You give me strength, bumpsters! I see you clinging toe verything & trying so very hard, being open with your kids & A.