"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

lostinmyworld53 · Newbie

RE: About to hit his bottom...

lostinmyworld53 · Newbie

I'm currently in a long term relationship with a member of the NA program. He relapsed about two months ago and has been using steadily but safely. His weakness is alcohol and due to some recent events, he's started to drink more heavily. He told me that he's tired of it and wants to get clean and go back to meetings, but is about to hit a very big bottom.

Before his relapse, he told me multiple times that each bottom he hits is worse and the next is going to kill him. As someone unfamiliar with the 12-step programs and with addicts in general, this has definitely been a bumpy ride but I've been keeping up. Now that he's talking about hitting his bottom, I'm not sure what part I should be playing in this. I want him to hit his bottom so that we can get through this, but I don't want to watch him destroy himself. We have financial problems due to his drinking as well so if he asks me for the biggest bottle of vodka I can find, do I purchase it to help him hit his bottom? Or do I limit his drinking and refuse to purchase the liquor (he can't drive right now due to his probation from a past DUI)?

I know I can't control this and that he won't stop until HE is ready, but I need to know what I should be doing as he goes through the last phases of this. I'm scared out of my mind but have no plans of leaving him during this. I undertand addiction as a disease, not a choice and I will continue to fight through this. Any advise at all will be much appreciated.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Going to Alanon would help you a great deal even attending some open AA meetings would give you a good idea of what it can come to for people who are actively drinking and using.

Something someone said recently was every bottom I have has a trapped door attached .. I can go further .. so when you think you have hit bottom the reality is .. it really can get worse. It just comes to a point where people get sick and tired of being sick and tired and do something about it.

He needs to be where he is at and he could die over it. The open AA meeting I attend has lost some members and it is sad to hear about someone loosing the battle with addiction that way. It can happen and it does. It is a good reminder to those on the road to recovery to continue on their path of recovery and not get sucked back into the diseased thinking.

Hugs P :)

PS - Welcome and I hope you will keep coming back.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and glad you have found us. I hope you'll find a meeting too. There is great support and wisdom in those rooms. (They say to try 6 meetings because they're all different.)

The principles of Al-Anon usually advise that the healthiest way to deal with someone's addiction is to detach. What detaching means is different in every situation. I think many of us wouldn't agree to buy our addicts their alcohol or drug, because even if we can't control the addiction (which we can't), we don't want to actively help it. When we decide to stop enabling, that typically takes the form of stopping protecting the A from the consequences of their drinking or using. And they don't need help drinking or using enough to get into trouble. They're expert at that all by themselves!

My experience also is that alcoholics and addicts are wonder-workers at getting a hold of their drug. They could be stranded on an ice floe in the Arctic and get a hold of some. If they can't wheedle or guilt us into providing it, they have a million other ways. That's why trying to stop them and pour out all the alcohol never works. They have secret supplies, they have friends (so-called!) who help, they have the great power of their manipulative minds which are focused on only one thing. So I'm afraid that I think you don't have to worry about his being unable to get his hands on some of what he wants.

His idea that he has to drink more to hit bottom (if I'm following that) is classic A-speak. The rooms of AA are open to him at any time (and are online). What I'm hearing is, "I'll just drink some more and then I'll be ready." In other words, "I'll just drink some more, while telling people I'm about to get recovery, so they won't give me any grief." What I wish I'd done earlier: look at his actions, not at his words.

Please take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I confess I sat in my car parked in so many church parking lots before I was able to push through my social anxiety to step inside my first Al Anon meeting. What I found was that I had no reason to be nervous. No one told me what to do at all (which was frustrating at first!) but shared their stories and experiences of what helped them. None of it was directed at me, and that sure took the pressure off. I was free to take what I liked, and leave the rest.

In being so focused on my ex's alcoholism, I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I was so concerned with his drinking, I forgot to ask myself where I was in all of it. Al Anon helped me find my guiding star, instead of trying to fruitlessly be my alcoholic's. I remembered that my alcoholic husband was an adult, and just as capable as I was to find a detox program, treatment, or the corner bar.

I stopped making his choices my responsibility. WHAT A RELIEF.

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Saturday 26th of May 2012 01:21:47 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lost...Pushka and Mattie have given you some great ESH especially that part about going to face to face meetings. Its great because that is what the greater majority of us have done after we took part in the same suggestion. The people who know are in the rooms andon this board. On this board you hear our responses in your voice...in the rooms you hear our responses in our voices and with our body language. The rooms were and still are where reality sits. There is very little bs there and I get to hear it as it happens like it happens. I get to listen to what works and then make the choice as to whether I'm going to do what works for others or continue in my own insanity.

Your alcoholic is partly right...this bottom might kill him and then he might be acting out some drama he heard in a meeting. He knows what he needs to do cause he has done it before and changed. Repeating what worked before isn't about doing something new...its about doing something real. Drinking and using always results in the same thing or consequences. Working the program does also. He might not get to his next bottom or said another way his next bottom might be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Uncontrolled alcoholism is suicide over time and it is well known that it is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. What is your part in it...that's the only thing you need to know cause that is the only thing you can hope to change...for you...not for him. Our part is called "enabling". We do absolutely great stuff for great reasons and it enables the disease to get worse. Its already a progressive disease and against our better thinking and behavior it gets worse when we participate.

I stopped drinking with and buying for my alcoholic/addict wife when I realized that she then wanted to drink more and did and I got sicker because of it.

The white pages of your local telephone book very well could have the hotline number for Al-Anon. Find it and call it to see where we meet and when in your area and go.

In support...will be reading to see how the meeting came out for you. (((((hugs))))) smile

Oksie · Senior Member

If there was anything... absolutely any 'thing' that I/we could say or do to stop the addict using.... it would be a well known cure by now.
There isn't anything.

There is nothing we do that makes him drink.... we are not that powerful either.... there is nothing we can do that will make them stop.... but we can cease to be controlled by it ourselves and cease to 'play a part' in it.

Detach from the things I don't want in my life. For me, I have nothing to do with my husbands drugs. I don't purchase, I don't joke about it with him, I don't partake with him (all things I used to do). If he wants it, he has to sort it out. Its not my bag baby.

When I came here I was given the slogan/question.... "he is going to use ---- what are YOU going to do"

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi & Welcome,

I am glad you found this site. I think if you hang around here, you will benefit.

None of us want to see the alocholics in our lives destroy themselves. However, some of us who have hung around here and gone to meetings have realized that we have no control over what they do. Most of us have beat ourselves up trying to control their drinking, while some of us have almost gone over the edge trying. I no I am in the later category.

Have you had the time to read the posts on this board? I think you will get some tips and pointers to help you.

I highly recommend attending Al-Anon meetings too. I did a lot of reading prior to attending meetings. The meetings are what helped me solidify all that I had read. Meetings were so helpful to me.

Hope you stick around here. We surely understand where you are coming from.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HI, I am guessing all you know about addiction is what he tells you? If he is asking for you to buy his alcohol, so he can hit bottom, he is manipulating you. Who knows if he is being truthful. Addicts lie, are selfish, and very manipulative. And yes they can bring on the tears to get what they want.

Also they like to threaten suicide.

They don't just hit bottom because they think it is coming. That is like saying I will have the flu tomorrow. He has NO idea what his next bottom will be. Could be years away.

I am very deep into Al Anon, soaked it up and cont. to.I loved my AH very much, I learned what a tricky disease addiction is. I have no compassion for it at all, I do have a lot of compassion for ones who have the disease.

What you shared sounded to me like his disease has got your number. It is using you. NO ONE who is an addict can use alcohol or other drugs and do it safely. To an addict what they take is poison to them.

We learn their disease is none of our business. What he chooses to do is completely up to him. If he wants it, he can get it himself. I would not help the disease by getting his drugs for him ever. When we do that, take them in, pay their bills, do for them what they can do for themselves we are helping the disease to kill them.

If he wants to go get it, its up to him. I can bet you he will figure it out.

You sound like a very nice person who wants to help.The most loving thing we can do is tell them your disease is your own. I choose to not be any part of it. If he wants to go to rehab, he can find the number and call, and he can figure out a way to get there. AA can always help.

We in Al Anon learn that we must think of us, make sure we have what we need and not get so involved in their illness it makes us sick.

You can come here and vent anytime. It's very normal to be nervous about meetings. Nothing is expected of you. I took a breath and walked in. Just sat quiet and listened. They are glad you are there.

I know about social anxiety. I am in my 60th year now. My way is to go to social places, including my sunday meetings, sit where I am comfy, and smile. Am always quiet at first. Learned I just have to get my body out the door.

Getting Them Sober volume one, Toby Rice Drew is the book you need. It is soooo good I tell ya it is my Al Anon Bible.. You can get a used one on Amazon.

Please keep coming. WE are so glad you found us. love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can make it to face to face meetings as well! The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was most helpful in my early Al-anon recovery too. You have received great ESH already! I am sending you much love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"I know I'm also avoiding it because they're going to tell me things I don't want to hear." Thats just fear of the unknown. You won't know if you don't go and Dolly's experience gave it away...so will mine. They didn't tell me anything to do...we never do. What you do is up to you and the program teaches that there are many things I can do that are different than what is was doing and not working. I changed me and my behaviors and my life got miraculously better. Go in...sit down, listen, learn and then practice something different. You don't even have to talk if you don't wanna....(((((hugs))))) Keep coming back!!

lostinmyworld53 · Newbie

Thank you so much to all of you for being there when I needed it. My boyfriend checked himself into rehab this morning, thankfully. I guess I know that doesn't fix everything and I could still use some help from Al-Anon and will continue to work on ignoring my anxiety and just going.

... so relieved he's finally getting clean again!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Really good stuff, and so glad he is choosing recovery, for him....

Now the best part - with him choosing recovery for himself, you now have a suddenly created window of opportunity to choose recovery for YOU! The book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews, is amazing. Getting yourself to Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon) meetings will be of great benefit as well.

Glad you found us

Tom

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"