The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really feeling down today. I went to see my psychologist and thought that I would feel better but that just didn't happen. He told me that what I was feeling was withdrawl symptoms from my husband more than grief because I was more addicted to him than I loved him. I agree that most of us are addicted to our A's and all of the chaos that goes with that. It is part of the sickness. But I also believe that we love our A's as well. And yes I am grieving for my husband and the what could have beens but I know that I will never be able to go back because he crossed that boundary when he got violent.
One thing that I should be thankful for is that my A is not calling me. But instead of looking at it as a blessing I am looking at it as rejection. Why??? I don't have any plans of ever going back to him so why am I wanting him to call? I feel that I have really taken a couple of steps back in my recovery. I am so sick!!!
I'm new to this board so I'm not sure how long it has been since you and your A has been apart. Your feelings sound very familiar to mine for a good year+ after my A and I separated after 21 years of marriage. The withdraw can be just as difficult for us and for them in their addiction. Now that I'm further down the pike I can honestly say that although I will always maintain a certain type of love for my ex, I no longer have the obsession of him. Holding on to what wasn't good for me kept me trapped for many years. I have much gratitude now that my HP did for me what for so long I couldn't do for myself. I was fortunate that my sponsor was very patient and gave me enough food for thought to help me along the path. I would have to agree that some of what you are dealing with is normal grief...which as time passes will lessen. The ultimate lessening for me was when I made a concious decision to accept that where I am at today is exactly where I'm suppose to be. I had also found that because of some of the immuno physical problems that I have lead to a type of depression which needed some medical help as well.. what feels great today is remembering that I get to make choices in the things that I can change.
Thanks for your post. I too see a psycholgist and don't always leave feeling good. It takes me awhile to "digest" things that are said and let them sink in. In alanon we do go back to step one alot. Some here call it a slip. It is common to go back and forth with our recovery and our feelings. Just keep posting here and letting things out. I find it helps me to go back and read my posts a couple days later when I am feeling different too. I see you have alot of good replies above from those that have been through a similiar situation. Keep close to alanon and to your HP/higher power. your friend in recovery, cdb (((((((julie)))))) hugs
I really related to both your post and Cilla's reply. I too believe we have an addiction - when I was in the midst of chaos with my A i was totally obsessed - totally. It's been 12 months since I left him and what I've gone through wasn't just grief - yes, I was sad and grieved for the loss of our relationship - but it was also withdrawal from all the chaos. It's weird. I hated it at the time but now that there is only me, I feel so empty. It is so tempting to try to get back together with him on those days.
Luckily, I have other days where I am so grateful for the serenity I have in my life now, even though I am still on my own. I don't trust myself to pick a healthy relationship just yet so I'm staying single for a while yet.
Serenity is hard to take, even though it is what we need most. It doesn't mean I didn't love him, he was the love of my life, everything I"d always dreamed of and prayed for - but I couldn't love myself and live with his abuse. Something had to give - and I"m grateful I chose to get out and chose to work on me!
Well there are two ways I look at visits to psychologist sometimes.
Sometimes I can come away feeling free that I got something off my chest or that I've had a revelation.
Sometimes I haven't quite come to the revelation yet. It's buried underneath all this puss and scar tissue. The wound needs to be opened before it can be cleansed for proper healing. That is never fun.
I feel it's like what I envision my inventory to be when I get there.. Somethings a light bulb will go off and I'll understand more about myself. Other times I'll see things that are down right scary that I need to deal with.
I feel it's part of the process of recovery, if that makes any sense?
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
It doesn't mean I didn't love him, he was the love of my life, everything I"d always dreamed of and prayed for - but I couldn't love myself and live with his abuse. Something had to give - and I"m grateful I chose to get out and chose to work on me!