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It's been two weeks now since I left my husband. Things had gotten worse and he had gotten violent. I should have seen this coming but I think I was in denial. I went back too soon from the last time I left him and nothing had changed. I am beginning to miss him. I was fine at first but I guess since the initial anger has worn off that may be why I am starting to feel this way. I know that I won't go back unless he goes into rehab and I just don't see that happening.
I was thinking back to how many times we have seperated and I can count 7 times since August 2003. So this definately tells me that nothing changes if nothing changes. I find myself wondering if we have seperated this many times if it just wouldn't be better for everyone if we both just went our seperate ways. I don't know what the answer is.
I of course have not heard from him unless I call him. He done this last time as well. I remember feeling that he didn't love me or didn't care about our marriage. I know now that he is in denial. I am really trying hard to Let Go and Let God and to turn it over to my HP. It can be so hard though some days. I am trying not to give up hope. Trying to be strong.
"Things had gotten worse and he had gotten violent." Julie Lynn I think you need to repeat these words from your post. It sounds to me like you must consider your own safety above "missing" him. I am not sure I could "miss" a violent person, but maybe it's like missing a toothache: Not in a loving way. You need to get yourself busy with hobbies, exercise, work; whatever it takes to occupy your thoughts and keep you on track. Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It is hard to physically and emotionally let go. You have to fill up your time with activities, hobbies, and family.
It's not about whether he goes to rehab or anything else he does, it's about you. That is really hard for me to get, but it might help me to explain my take on it. With my ex-boyfriend/fiancee, it was always, "If he quits drinking, we'll get married." Well, my ex-boyfriend went to rehab at least 6 times since 2003, and that's not counting how many times I took him to detox only. The first time, he was sober/abstinent about 6 months, but it wasn't a magic pill. He was sometimes worse sober/abstinent than when he was drunk.
His sobriety/abstinence was a very confusing time for me because I thought once he quit drinking, everything would be better. It doesn't work like that. I have learned quite a bit now, having been through two family programs. The one that was worth something was Hazelden in Minnesota. I was very suprised to learn (and learned a lot from) a woman whose husband didn't drink, had been in AA, but quit going. He was basically a dry drunk, and he was incredibly difficult to deal with.
With that said, ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship (the positives and negatives) versus what you are giving to the relationship. Do you think that the ratio is going to change?? Try thinking about it like that when you are lonely and thinking about going back. You already have a good reason to live separately -- the violence. You might have more good reasons to end the relationship completely. And they say that after 2 months, you won't miss him as much.
Hang in there. You can do this. You will know the right thing to do. My A counts on me to act and do things a certain way, when I changed my behavior and set clear boundaries and STUCK to them, he either had to go on the way he was going on for years (which now causes hardly no reaction from me at all, I am sure he asks himself, "where is my crazy wife? LOL) or he had to also make changes. He has started to make changes, small at first, then he would go back to normal, sometimes I would be crazy again, then I started getting stronger, being consistent with sticking to my boundaries, taking care of me. In October we separated for a bit, (I missed him so much, I ached for him, I looked back with "rose colored" glasses, seeing only the good things) I stayed strong, I let him call, then he came home, still defending his right to drink and use. Then something happened! After one of his all niters, which before would bring out his "crazy" wife, she (I) didn't respond the way I always had, I didn't feel crazy anymore, I knew I was taking care of me, I was doing my own inventory which left him to do his own, without me pointing out all his errors. He openly admitted he had a problem! He said he had had his last drink! I kept taking care of me and allowed him to start taking care of himself. Today is day 21 he has been sober! We are both living in the present, not the past, not in the tomorrows to come. I am working my program, he doesn't have a program if it doesn't work his way, he will figure it out. Hang in there. Work your program.
Hi Jules glad you are safe. Keep working on you and maybe set yourself a goal that to get through this tough time you gradually reduce your phone calls. Do things that you have never had the opportunity to do with your A around. Your self esteem would have plummeted so keep telling yourself what a great person you are. We of course already know that.
