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I had a bit of a slip tonight before going to my meeting. This divorce stuff really sucks! I know that I need to move on, but why do I still feel the need to keep checking on my AH, even a year after moving out and now that we have started our divorce proceedings? I'm so glad I shared my slip with my home group. They were so supportive and nonjudgmental. I was full of shame and disappointed in my behavior, but they understood as no one else could. "Easy does it" was our topic tonight. How appropriate...
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 25th of April 2012 01:03:08 AM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 25th of April 2012 01:03:54 AM
Hello Green eyes, my best friend will be divorced today after only nine months, nine mohths to end a thirty year relationship, don't be so hard on yourself chick, there are so so many loose ends to tie up and left over feelings, and then of course there is the love, my friend still loves him, that doesnt just stop, no matter how badly they have behaved, I asked her yesterday are you really sure about this, and she said yes I need closure, and who knows maybe one day they can remain friends, this is a personal thing I liken it to greif, but in some ways worse especially when they are still here and out of our life. much love,
Sometimes I need the reality check that things are really the way they are .. yes it's a slip sometimes I think though it's God's way of saying .. know what .. this is how it needs to be because you deserve so much better. It's also about progress not perfection. It's a LONG time to be with one person and all of the up's and down's especially that addiction brings with it.
It's so sad when something ends and somewhere deep down we really believe we could have done better, been more, done something different to keep things from happening the way that they did. I agree many loose ends and many left over feelings. Be easy on yourself because it's all about process, progress and taking things one day at a time.
You know .. I've heard people talk about slips of dragging people out of bars, or sending the kids in to go and get the spouse. I have a million dark fantasies I would love to act out and if the worst that happened was you had a moment, .. it is what it is .. you already are doing the next right thing by going to a meeting.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
hugs hugs and more hugs, green eyes, it is so hard to let go of a loved one, especially the ones we made so much room for in our lives and hearts, no matter how much time goes by.
Kudos to you for taking care of you and taking it easy on yourself
__________________
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
Thank you all for your kind support. After 30 years of marriage, and not wanting this divorce, it's really hard to let go and not be worried about him. While in my old neighborhood after having dinner with a friend before my meeting, I decided to go by one of the bars that he frequents. I saw his truck parked in back. The truck has already been banged up from previous unexplained instances, but now I noticed it's even more dented and banged up. At least I didn't have the desire to go in and talk to him or to leave a note on his windshield like I would have done a year ago. I just really had the need to "see the body," so to speak, so I could see if he is "really dead." Now I can see with my own eyes that he is still actively drinking and driving while on probation and with a suspended license due to his DUI two years ago. So sad to see, but I just needed to see for myself that all of this is real. Trying to move on, one day at a time (but it sure is painful!).
