"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

1st timer here... Need help learning to follow through on consequences

littlehawk · Veteran Member

I haven't reached out further than my closest friend for help. I bought a book on codependency and I sort of half way relate to it. I am not sure where really to start here...

So I'll try to spit this out.... I believe I am a codependent, living with an alcoholic who has admitted the problem, been to AA meetings, but relapsed twice within a couple months.

I came home tonight to realize that second relapse was in progress. I noticed her toothbrush and hair dryer was gone. She never told me she wouldn't be home. This is out of character. So naturally, I felt left out, unloved and taken for a fool.

I finally got in touch with her and she was drunk as a skunk. The last relapse, I moved into the spare room for a couple of days, but gave up and wanted to sleep next to her. This time, I realize we have the no drinking rule, but there is no actual consequence in place. I love her.... but I don't want to keep being treated this way.

I don't know the difference between the codependent tendency to punish and the healthy boundary with consquence. I feel like I just don't have the tools/knowledge to set the consequence for any future relapse.

Help? :-p

Too hard · Senior Member

Welcome to this web site.

You will get a lot of information, sharing and encouragement.

You have probably found alcoholism is a baffling illness, but you will be able to make decisions to care for yourself and learn how best to manage your own home life.

I'm sure others will encourage you to find a Al-Anon group, so that you can have face-to-face meetings which will really teach you the tools of the program.

If you read the 'Stickys' at the beginning of these posts you will find lots of information too.

Every good wish. T.H.

rara avis · Senior Member

Hi littlehawk,

And welcome. One alanon book that resonated with me, in parts, was "Discovering Choices" [ I think? ] That was the first book I flipped through and even later when I read other alanon literature that was the one that made the most sense to me, personally. I've kept coming back to certain parts of it.

Lots of support, and I hope you find a little joy in your day,

-rara avis

Peachy219 · Veteran Member

Hi littlehawk,

I'm glad you came here and I'm proud of you for asking for help. Keep coming and posting questions, comments, concerns.

And definitely start going to Al-anon meetings in your area.

Punishment vs consequences is a toughy. I struggled with my addict ex bf for a very long time. flip-flopping back and forth, getting mad, sad and going crazy.

A lot of the times, we think we are helping and to be sure, we have the best of intentions, but sometimes this is the way we become part of the problem.

I know it is difficult, but try and turn the focus away from her and instead focus on YOU. Al-anon can help, keep coming back, you ARE worth it.

((((xoxo))))

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP.... I would strongly recommend a book to you - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.

The things you are struggling with - we all either are, or have, struggled with as well..... You've come to a good place, and choosing recovery for yourself, in addition to arming yourself with information - is a great start

Tigger · Senior Member

Hey there...glad you are here and thanks for sharing with us. I similarly struggle with the whole punishment consequences boundaries thing. I've driven myself mad with it sometimes. The conclusion I've come to is that all the while my intention has been to get them to behave or feel diffently, and have found that no matter what I do or say, what I give or withhold, what boundaries I set that involve them doing something, I cannot control any of it. All I can do is do what I can to take care of me in the face of hurtful and outrageous behaviour. That is step one...powerless over them, my whole universe becomes unmanageable when I try and control what I can't, have power to change only me, I really wish you well and welcome you. Tigger x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The boundaries are things you really are not willing to live with. The consequences are ones you can stick to.

Example,I really would like it if you would come home Friday after work, and not just go out then come home at two am.

If you don't the doors will be locked so you will have to find somewhere else to sleep. I don't want to have to wake up.

NOT saying use this.

You can catch them at a lucid time and just ask, so in our marriage we can just come and go as we please without letting the other know where we are going?

If it is a yes,and it sounds like this bothers you, what consequence is one you can stick to? do not come home, I no longer want to be in this marriage, etc.

It is hard! LIving with an A is almost impossible with out skills to deal with living with one.

Its more we have to change us. For me I learned to accept him as is, and when he got to where I did not like it,I left the room or home. Just got used to that being ok. I knew sooner or later he would be gone forever and I wanted to live with him as long as I could. it got real bad. I don't even see him anymore, had to divorce him.

Al anon is your answer. Give yourself all the time you need to "get it."

Welcome, love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"