The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I detched quite awhile ago from my A., started living my life and making decisions for the best of me and the kids. Got to the point, after trying everything else in life for 3 yrs, to ask him to leave. I was happy and content w/the decision to spend time apart and work on healing/recovery for me and the kids.
Friday he asked me for two more weeks at home. He asked for the extra time so that he can start his treatment (starts on Wednesday evening) and we can see if there are changes in him. I agreed w/the extra time but reminded him that it isn't just him...it is me. He may show changes, but this isn't about just him.
He's really trying. On his best behavior. Being helpful around the house, getting involved w/the kids. He hugged me the other night in bed and said he feels like he "has a new lease on life..even if it is only a 2 week lease." He seems so happy.
I feel so numb. Sometimes even pissed off because when I wanted to work on the relationship, when I asked/begged/pleaded he wasn't ready. Now that I am ready to move on w/my life he NOW comes along and decides that since he is faced w/losing his family that he wants to change.
I feel depressed. I am praying very hard to my HP knowing that it is all in his hands but I am really having a hard time shaking this feeling. I want to cry. I'm not enjoying things like usual. I still don't trust and I am dealing w/anger.
I'm doing my readings, going to my meetings, keeping up w/my sponsor.
In my mind I keep thinking that I should be happy....but I'm not. I feel so far removed that I can't even see the way back.
Christy you won't be feeling happy because you are still vulnerable. You are frightened to trust again in case he lets you down. Just remember he came back on your terms and if you don't like the way things are progressing you are strong enough to stand on your own again if you have to. Yes he will be doing all the little things around the house and the resentful side of you will be saying thanks buddy I have only been waiting X amount of years for that to happen. Explain to him how you are feeling. That you can't instantly play happy families just yet. Keep the focus on you again do things by yourself sometimes if you need to have that break. LUv Leo x
Thank you, leo. And you are right, I still feel vulnerable. I can't seem to just switch these feelings to be "happy go lucky wow we are a family again"
He's walking around feeling like there is hope, I'm walking around feeling like I'm stuck in a corner, numb and bleeding.
I just want to sit and cry. I want to yell and scream. I feel somewhat guilty because I'm feeling the way I am.
My a thinks thinks everything should just fall back to 'normal' because she doesn't drink for 7 days. Or better yet thinks I should sleep in the bed, to make things normal. Or to put her on the checking account.
I've tried to explain, it took me much more than 7 days to get to this point. That even if she isn't drinking we still have things individually to work out. She doesn't get it. I can't make her get it. I'll keep working on me. Anything she does, she does. If it works for the best for us, then great, if not, then it may be time for me to move on as well.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thanks for posting, it helps me get some perspective on what my ex must be going through. We were living in the same house until the closing and the deal fell through. She asked me a few weeks ago if I could stay around to support her and the kids for a while. The listing contract is up and we have not listed it again. She sorta wants me around, but doesn't want to commit to working on repairing our relationship. When I came home from work Friday she said she had spent part of the day crying. I hate living like this. I'm greatful for my sobriety and should be happier, but this family situation is tearing me apart.
Is it fear that keeps you and my ex from wanting to work on things? Your husband and I suffer from a horrible disease which has effected our capability to have healthy relationships with those we love. Would you feel the same if we put you through all that pain because of another disease. Would you still as pissed, angry and depressed if we were finally recovering from cancer? Would you still be angry that he was incapable of working on the relationship because of his battle with cancer, even though you were ready?
I have a feeling your husband is not as 'happy' as you think. If he is like me, he is just getting a taste of hope that he has a way out of the alcoholic hell he has been in. ANYTHING is better than that. Of course he wants you there for him as he gets better, I'm sure he's not getting sober to lose his family. I know I didn't. I got sober to save my life. But it was like waking up from an alcoholic nightmare into a relationship nightmare.
I pray that my ex decides to at least try to work on us. I know she's confused, frustrated, angry, resentful... I was the cause of a lot (but not all) of it. But I also know that I still love her and realize things could be so much better for us now in sobriety. But only if she wants that also.
Gosh, I could actually "feel" your pain, because I have been there, too. I finally got the courage to move on and start feeling good about myself and then BAM! They start doing what we were asking them to do all along! Then I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop... as is the pattern. Unfortunately it usually does drop sooner or later for me. Bleh!
It's hard to trust & hope that things will actually be better "this time!" Because of what we have gone through time & time again. Please do not be hard on yourself for having the feelings that you are experiencing. And continue to take care of YOU! Put all of your needs first.
(((lou))) I so appreciate your thoughts and words.
Maybe what I am going thru will help you see it thru your spouse's eyes..and visa versa.
One of the misfortunes of alcoholism is that it claims more than just the life of the alcoholic. Those of us that aren't plagued w/the disease suffer the effects of it. We are the ones that also suffer the broken dreams, broken promises, verbal abuse, embarrasment, anticipation, stress. Our children are the ones that suffer as well as the adults. I will be honest, there have been times when I wished that I could say I was an alcoholic to at least have a disease to blame my problems on. I don't have that...all I can say is that I love the alcoholic. We get just as sick as you guys do.
What is frustrating and difficult from this end is being SOBER and seeing the devastating effects that someone else's ism is doing to others. I held on for three years. Drying my children's tears, listening to their anger and fears, their frustrations and disappointments. As a wife, I longed for the emotional intimacy and security of having my husband around-knowing full well that he wasn't capable of providing it at the time.
I know my husband is hurting. I know he wants another chance. I reminded him that alcoholics aren't privy to hitting rock bottom...we do to. Once that bottom is hit, and we realize that our lives have become unmanageable and we start working our steps and our program, life is in the hands of our HP's. My experience in the many years of Alanon is sometimes recovery brings two people back together, sometimes it doesn't but ends up w/two people healthy. First and foremost, in my opinion, is self recovery. Marital relationships are secondary and a wonderful biproduct of self recovery if that is what happens.
Just as the alcoholic needs time, love, support and patience, so do the families of alcoholics. I think that is my biggest gripe right now...because I feel as if I am being backed into a corner regarding our marriage-it feels like putting the cart in front of the horse.
Everything we do is a cause or an effect. For me, I have dealt w/3 yrs (out of 6 yrs of marriage) of someone who knew they had a problem yet chose not to do anything about it. If it was another disease, say cancer or diabetes, and you knew that there was things to do about it but chose not to and those that suffered where the ones that loved you, yes, I would still be angry. Maybe my anger would be displaced. It shouldn't be towards the one w/the problem, because they are sick. But I am angry at the situation. Angry of all the times I cried, all the times that my children cried and this disease having hold of someone that we loved.
I want nothing but to get back to the way it was when we met. Will that happen? I honestly don't know. Will he become the healthy sober person that I met years ago? I don't know...it is w/in him and his HP. Will I become the person I was when we met? I believe I will because I am determined to put the work in, to face the consequences because of decisions to stay so long.
One thing that helps me is instead of looking at things as his fault or her fault, I look at it as the fault of a disease. It is alcoholism's fault that our family is hurting. It is alcoholism's fault that we are in the situation that we are in. Until I know, until I see, that he is doing what he has to do to get a hold of this demon and make needed changes, do whatever he has to do, I can't bring myself to trust. I am vulnerable. One can only get burned so many times before wincing at the thought of a flame.
I know it must be frustrating for you...please be assured that it is just as frustrating on this end. Being aware of feelings and not particularly liking them, wanting to change them but facing it w/honesty is difficult.
To me, a lot of it comes down to amends. To be perfectly frank, there are NO amends that would really make up for the years and years of suffering. For me, as I look back on it, it is the many times that he made me doubt myself, the many times he blamed me for what was going wrong, knowing full well that he was lying, that I still find it hard to forgive. So many times he callously used my love, my commitment, my vulnerability, in order to get away with whatever he was doing. It was so horribly wrong that nothing could ever really make up for it. So, he said, several times, "Lord, I put you through hell, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I'm so glad you stuck with me." That's good, but it's not enough. However, what more, realistically, can I expect from him? He can't grovel for the rest of his life! Eventually, I have to realize that that apology, plus his changed behaviour, is all I am going to get, and have to find a way to live with it. Rationally, I realize that this is OK - I don't really, in my rational mind, expect him to start every day with another apology and a declaration that he doesn't deserve me. :) I think though, that somewhere in my emotional self, I do want that. This is a healing process that is going to take years, and both of us have to accept that - also accept that we may not both be at the same place at the same time. My husband said to me once, when I was unhappy with some of his behaviour "Look, I'm not drinking, I'm not using, that's going to have to be enough for today". I guess that I have the right to say, sometimes, "Look, I'm not seething with resentment and punishing you for it - that's going to have to be enough for today". Your husband will have to accept that while he is getting better with baby steps, so are you, and give you the same leeway and understanding that you give him.
...someone who knew they had a problem yet chose not to do anything about it. If it was another disease, say cancer or diabetes, and you knew that there was things to do about it but chose not to and those that suffered where the ones that loved you, yes, I would still be angry. ...
Thank you for your honesty. It has really helped me today along with the other replies. Just a word or caution here. This is not an excuse for my behavior or your husbands, it is an unfortunate and completly minsunderstood component of this disease. It's not that we choose not to do anything about it. It is the only disease which convinces us we don't have a disease. When active we are completly delusional. The denial is so powerful, our reality is twisted to the point that we believe our own lies to be the truth. Talking to other alcoholics both active and in recovery has really made me see this clearly now. Unfortunatley, this is not an optional part of the disease. It was not unique to me nor your husband. I really think that this is one of the most misunderstood aspects of the disease by 'Earth people.' I can't imagine anyone who hasn't gone through it to watch what we do to ourselves and others and understand that it is not by choice. Alcoholism removes our choices from us and we redefine our reality accordingly. It is nothing less than insanity.
Such a good post, lou! Alcoholism is just a tricky bastard (sorry for language for those it offends). Looking back, I can see that. He honestly thought all was well. It was like we were looking at the same picture w/different glasses. I do have to say this, he is admitting NOW how terrible it was. When I tell him honestly about situations, events and how it effected the kids and I, I can see the look of horror on his face. Like he is seeing it thru sober eyes now.
My A. came upstairs a bit ago...he came over to the pc (I was on the board reading posts) and he says to me..."I know you don't hate me, but I know you don't love me like you use to. "
I just started to cry. As much as I tried to hold back the tears, they just came. We sat at the table and he held my hands and I told him what I am feeling. The words just came out as I closed my eyes and embraced every feeling w/honesty. How scared I am. How hurt and angry I am. How I am so raw right now and I am scared...scared of my future, the future of our family and how frustrating it is to feel this way inside and not be able to change it right now.
He did something that helped tremendously. He listened. He didn't tell me how he was sick. Didn't remind me about his disease. He just sat and listened. I felt I was heard. My pain was acknowledged.
Then he hugged me, said that it is going to take time and seemed to allow us to go at the moment. Not worry about "us" but worry about everyone getting help.
That's all I want. Set us aside and not hang on so tightly. Just allow..let go and let God.
