The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Alana and I am a greatful member of alanon.
Well, I am brand, brand new. I went to my very first meeting last night which I was really afraid to do because I really wasn't sure if I belonged there - I'm still not completely sure but I am going to go to the 6 meetings like they said! I might as well give that a shot. Anyway, I was just going to listen because I had no idea what I meeting even involved, but when it came around to me I said my name and proceeded to explain that both my dad & coincidentally my longterm boyfriend are alcoholics. My boyfriend has been clean & sober for multiple years and I never knew him when he drank, and my dad still drinks but I only found out he was an alcoholic in this year - and I haven't lived at home for a few years. But apparently he has had a drinking problem for quite a long time, I just never knew. So that's the thing, I feel like I have never been around an actual alcoholic! From what I recall I had a really positive upbringing and my boyfriend goes to AA meetings all the time. But as soon as I started talking in the meeting I started to cry and couldn't stop. I felt like I had been holding it in ever since I walked into the room.
I have always been really optimistic, positive and happy, but for some reason I am finding myself in this place right now that I just don't understand. My boyfriend and I broke up recently and I was more devastated that I have ever been in my life - I couldn't function. We got back together but I am SO afraid to rock the boat now and I can't even deal with being away from him without feeling like I am sitting, waiting for his call. I have so many interests in life but lately I wake up every morning with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and every day seems so long and I feel like I am wasting it. For example, my boyfriend is away this weekend and we had a wonderful, loving goodbye last night, but all day today I sat on the computer going to alanon websites, reading pamphlets & self-help books, walking aimlessly around my neighbourhood, wishing I could be with him, wondering what he was doing, and feeling not only like I am wasting my day but like I am going crazy trying to "figure everything out". I have a history of wanting to "fix" things, liek when my boyfriend and I get into a fight I cannot let him leave and walk away when things get heated and he wants to take a time out, I cry & freak out and make him stay and try to fix it, which only ends up making it worse.
I feel like I am so lost. I am SO mad that this is going on because currently I am in a happy relationship, he loves me (although I do tend to question this), my career is going really well, and I have some great, close girlfriends. But even tonight: I have plans to go hang out with a girlfriend and I just had to pick myself up off the carpet and stop my gut-wrenching sobbing long enough to write this post. I am mad that I lost what I had before which was being strong, and carefree and so happy all the time. Where did it go? I know this relationship with my boyfriend hasn't been incredibly validating because in the past in involved a lot of me crying and him telling me I was being too sensitive, and me getting jelous or not wanting him to leave and him saying I was being too needy - but since we got back together we talked about things and how we could make it work. The only problem is I know he has no idea that I sit at home crying and I feel so sad that I can't tell him how I feel because I am so scared of "rocking the boat" or having him say "it's the same old shit" again or not wanting me because I am not the stong, independent, confident woman he fell in love with. I feel like I am living a facade right now.
So I know this is really rambly and all over the place but if ANYONE has any advice or anything to say to me I would appreciate it with all my heart. I'm only in my early 20's and am wondering if all this has ANYTHING to do with alcoholism in my life or if I don't belong here & should find somewhere else for my problems.
And I feel like I am going to be told to leave this realtionship but I love him so much and that is the last thing I want to do.
P.S. Please reply... I am sitting here clicking "refresh" waiting... Haha, I feel like such a loser. And that's another thing - my love is out probably having a worry-free fun-filled day/night HOPING I am doing the same while I am sitting at home sad and obsessing... It makes me feel so stupid like I will have to lie and tell him I had a fun weekend so I don't feel like a loser... I am going out with my girlfriends later, but I feel like I will just be 'pretending' to have fun... I really want to talk to him and tell him how I have been feeling but my counsellor said that since we are just in the first couple weeks of rekindling our relationship I should wait and give him his space - because that's why we broke up in the first place, was because we were fighting like cats & dogs and he needed space to be himself. He said he's never known how to love anyone more than himself... and I think I might be the opposite! *Sigh* Anyway... thanks for listening. xo.
I can't tell you if what you are feeling has to do only with alcoholism, but is sure does sound like alcoholism has effected your life.
While they are addicted to the booze, it sometimes seems like we are addicted to them.
I'm glad you are giving it the six meetings. I think you will find that you are in the right place. Here at Alanon you can learn how to get strong enough to take your life back. To love and respect yourself and instead of trying to fix others, to fix yourself.
Remember you are not to blame for their drinking, nor the actions of others. The only person we have the ability to change is ourselves. No one can tell you wether to leave a relationship or not. Only you know what is best for you. Give it time, read anything you can. Keep going to meetings, keep coming here to read and to post, adn start taking care of you.
When you are stronger trust that your HP will let you know what to do if anything.
In my experience, as someone who is also an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) the way that you are feeling with your boyfriend is not unusual for an ACOA. Much of your story/experience echoes my own.
I, too, grew up in an Alcoholic home. My father was the alcoholic. He did not drink in our home and as a kid I wasn't really aware that he drank. He seemed to work a ton and sleep a ton (later, it turns out much of his sleeping was passing out from drinking so much). I knew my dad was an A because my parents told us so and I went to Alateen as a kid, but I couldn't very clearly see or understand the effect it was having me. My parents seperated during my early teen years and it seemed that now that the A was gone, our problems were solved.
Fastforward to a very happy, fun set of college years. I was relieved that I'd made it to adulthood, in one piece, and I relieved that I had survived without any noticable scars from being an ACOA. I was happy, upbeat, and a real go-getter. Good grades, a balanced life, friends, etc.
When I entered my first serious, long-term relationship, however, in my mid-twenties, I started to notice the same reactions in myself--inexplicable crying jags, fear of being left, fear of rocking the boat, avoiding confrontation at all costs. I who really prided myself on being independent and taking good, good care of myself, found it hard to do either. I spent long, long days, "waiting" for my partner and couldn't seem to get my day started on my own. These symptoms seemed so inexplicable and mysterious to me. I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. My reaction was very often completely out of wack with the "reality" of the situation, but I couldn't seem to control it. I found that for me the reactions/symptoms I described above were only triggered in a love-partner-relationship. I rarely had these problems in friendships and certainly not to this degree.
Over the last few months I've found Al-Anon. I've been focusing on taking care of myself and really understanding the impact of being an ACOA on my life and how it might shape how I react in relationships. I didn't think my ACOA history affected me much, but I'm beginning to see that it really has.
Although I'm always tempted to dive in head first and solve problems, I've found that a crucial element of my program has been that even before I solve problems, I have to care for myself on a regular basis. Eating healthily, taking walks, really pampering myself have been crucial to my recovery. I pick a small goal for each day: today I will take a luxurious bath or today I will go out and enjoy the sun, so even if I don't ***feel*** like it, I do it. And what do you know? Soon, my mood has brightened, my head has cleared, and I can really cope with what's going on with me.
I'm glad you found us! Keep coming back. It works if you work it!!!!
There are some behaviours and personality traits that come with being an alcoholic, that show up even when the person is not drinking. Some of these are - always blaming the other person, being emotionally unavailable, being self centered, being good at finding ways to distract attention from their own behaviour - does any of this sound familiar? Your boyfriend may be doing things that hit you at a vulnerable place from your own childhood. You can get better, you can learn ways to take the focus off of them, and onto you. If you can get a copy of "From Survival to Recovery", you might find stories in there that speak to you. Welcome, alanon certainly can't hurt, and it may be the beginning of a new way of looking at things.
Welcome to the Alanon Board and also to being a good codependent. Sometimes out fo alcoholic families we cope by become codependent ie putting others first. Have you read Women Who Love Too Much? That's me, doing a lot of loving and not getting much in return. Have you heard of the coaddicted relationship - one is a love addict and one is a love avoidant. That 's me and my A husband.
All of these can improve with focusing on ourselves. We need to mature and that better care of ourselves. Cry when you need to cry. Be angry when you need to be angry. You are a good person!
Hi from Australia. We are all fixers here and a lot of us are control freaks as well. We are here for you whenever you need us. Your emotions will sometimes be like being on a rollercoaster. I think that could part of our healing. The more you learn the more you release the pent up emotions held inside. I haven't cried so much in years and for me that is good. There is so much love and support on this site and you have come to the right place.
Hi. I am having a similar reaction to my life and my a who has not had a drink in 25 years. I have been in alanon for 18 of those years. He did not attend AA. We are both recently retired and everything is changed. We are in each other's face pretty much of 24/7. We each had successful careers. What is Alana describes is exactly how I feel. I have one trememdous joy and that is my grandchildren. Other than that there is no meaning in my life. And of late he is ultra critical of any and everything I attempt. So I sit at the computer or TV set. This past week I missed all of my 12 step meetings. I am also in OA. Friends are around, but hold no interest for me. Dropped out of my bridge class. This is overwhelming me. I have been advised to exercise and I can't. This is a rock bottom. Not my lowest. The lowest got me into Alanon.
You are not alone. Keep going to face to face alanon meetings. People there will understand and you can cry all you want there and feel supported.
Your story sounds so similiar. You were me 20 years ago. It has been an interesting life since then. The point is: the feelings you described ring so true to me. For me, two things had to be resolved before I could address the relationship problems.
During "Family Week" when my 1st A husband was in treatment, I admitted that I, too, was an alcoholic/addict. Granted, I had not sunk to the depths of my A, but never the less, I definitely am an alcoholic/addict. I have now been sober 18 years through AA. Second, I have depression and require treatment for that. I have been on several different medications and have a good doctor that is tuned into my situation. I am so grateful that my alcoholism and depression are treatable. It gives me strength and energy to tackle the big issues that you talked about.
I really feel for you, and yes it can get better, sometimes slowly.
welcome and (((((hugs)))))) you are definately in the right place. no one hear will tell you to leave or stay with your a . that is only a decison you can make but everyone here will support and listen to you. im 22 and in a longterm realationship with my a . we live together. this program has helped me so much. although today is a bad day i know i will feel better while being here. come to chat sometime we also have online meetings. you are where you need to be and you will soon see that too. best of luck and hope to talk to you sometime
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Alana, I'm so glad you posted here. I am about to walk out the door to go to church, but I will come back on and post later. I just wanted to tell you that I will keep you, and everyone here in my prayers, and that you are not alone. It's great that you are able to acknowledge your feelings, healing begins here.
