The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I signed up here a few weeks ago, but so far I've just been "lurking." I got an email today from someone who asked me to participate. Guess it's time.
I've been going to meetings here since June. I cried like a baby at the first meeting and completely embarassed myself, but found so much support that I've kept going. My A is my husband. We've been married 14 years now and have three children. I don't know why, but somehow I reached my limit with his behavior last June and sought help and information. I still have so much to learn, but I've been reading as much as I can and talking to other people.
I'm really struggling with whether or not to leave. I think I've pretty much decided to end the marriage because even though we've had many discussions, there is no change in behavior. I'm worried about my kids and raising them in this environment. On the other hand, I'm scared to death to leave. I'm worried about the kids and me and what will happen to us. I'm worried about him and that he'll completely fall apart but I'm trying to let that go and not take responsibility for his actions. He is actively drinking and I don't see an end in sight. There's been some physical abuse in the past, but the last time was two years ago. Now it's more the verbal stuff and what I find harder to deal with is the roller coaster. I never know what to expect. Will it be a good day or a bad day? I was talking to my counselor about an incident that made no sense at all and she explained that with an alcoholic, down is up and up is down a lot of the time. I'm just very, very tired.
Well, that's about it. Sorry to carry on so long. I'll try to be better about participating!
Like you, I am also married to an alcoholic. I have been in alanon for 8 years, married for almost 9.
When I hit alanon, all I wanted is for my husband to sober up. I thought for sure that all the problems in our marraige were related to his addiction. I was sure that all my unhappiness was a direct result of how horrible he treated me.
Unfortunately, but also fortunately, I discovered that I contributed most of the problems. I also discovered that although my own parents weren't alcoholics themselves, their parents were, and as a result, were affected by the disease too. They passed many unhealthy behaviours down to me, unknowingly.
Thankfully, I found a great Alanon sponsor, who guided me through my discoveries, and subsequent feelings. I seperated from my husband after preparing a list of pros and cons.
pros of leaving, cons of leaving, Pros of staying, cons of staying
I eventually aske him to leave the marraige, and we were separated for three years. The first year SUCKED! I found out that even though he was not in my house (but still in my life cause we have kids) I was still miserable!
I spent many hours doing self discovery. Mostly out of survival. My mother abandoned me when I was a baby, and her mother did the same thing. I am so determined to not lead the same path, that I will do anything to break the chain! Thank GOD I found Alanon!
To make a long and complicated story short, I am now living with my husband again, and he is NOT sober. But you know what? I have never been more serene in my life!
So welcome to Alanon. I am so glad you are here. It is nice to know that I am not the only one that goes through the issues with should I stay or not. Thankfully I rarely have those feelings anymore, but I still do. Old habits die hard i guess.
Anyhow.... Alanon gives us serenity. We find our own solutions by taking what we like out of the experience of others that have gone before us. As soon as I learned that it was okay to feel, and especially okay to feel rotten, I started to go leaps and bounds!
I am looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Yea...I know you are hurting right now...I am not married to an alcoholic,but both my parents are a's...It does take effect on the children no matter what age they are,and for the physical abuse..In my opinion..once he started..what makes you think he won't do it again???This is something maybe you should pray about..Well with whatever your decision may be..I have faith in you...You will overcome this,it may not seem like it now,but God never gives us enough that we can't handle...
Lauren~
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Hi Michelle twice this week I have used the words being on a rollercoaster. Sometimes the ride is good sometimes you want to get off. I find that my own emotions are dependent on the actions of the A my husband in my life. He sought help had given up drinking and now is drinking again. I set a boundary that if he chose to drink I would leave or I would ask him to leave. I have to tell you I haven't followed through on it as yet so obviously I am not ready to do it. Just take small steps concentrate on you don't try to control his drinking you can't. Always have the safety of you and your 3 beautiful kids as the first priority. We cannot advise you on what action to take but we are here for you any time of day or night. Luv Leo x
I think we all got that email from the forum admin so don't sweat it. Keep contributing though. Answering others and creating your own topics is a great way to release and learn at the same time.
As for leaving or not, that is a very personal decision that only you can make. Try to get to F2F meetings as well if you can. I'm fairly new myself and I don't remember the amount of time that alanon recommends, I think it's at least 6 meetings but I could be wrong before you should make any life altering decisions.
There are those who leave and there are those that find ways to live a life of serenity with an active or dry A. I know I learn, gain hope and strength from both stories.
Welcome aboard and keep coming back,
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
ARON 