The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have decided to proceed with a divorce. We've been separated for a year as of this weekend and between his continued drinking problem and our financial mess due to his poor business decisions (albeit, decisions that were made with a pickled brain), there were really no other options left. I was open to a legal separation, but he said, for him, it's "in or out- no in between."
There is a deep sadness in my heart right now, but at the same time a sense of relief that I can move forward with my life and to find the peace that I so dearly desire.
I'm so glad to have been able to have the support of my HP, Al-Anon sponsor, and my therapist in order to prepare for the tough decision I have come to and also to help me with the conversation I had today with my AH. It went much more civilally than I thought it would. No meanness, no hang ups, no yelling or blaming. Just two people coming to a decision in a respectful way. I know that I have a tough journey ahead of me as I go through the divorce process and beyond, but for today, I'm doing okay and moving forward. Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 6th of April 2012 03:57:17 PM
Hugs gg, sending u much love and support so glad to share ur journey. Thank u! Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
With sympathy for what you are going through. My AHsober moved out several years ago and asked for a divorce. As said above a loss is a loss. It is painful but it is always darkest before the dawn. We are truly powerless over alcohol. All the best to you.
This is a tough path that you and I (and others) have chosen to walk. Chances are that outrageous and unfair things will happen in the court proceedings. Lawyers propose the darndest things....and my exA went right along with it (alimony!)...until I told him I wanted records of all his rehabs and was going to get the police report for the night he was found in the road passed out.
For me, ODAT was never more true than it was during mediation, meetings, and finally testifying for the divorce. Just because these things get proposed, does not mean they will happen.My divorce was final 3 weeks ago...after 1 1/2 years of separation...
keep us posted...and just keep walking the walk, one step at a time...
Thank you, everyone, for your support and kind words. I've been married for 30 years- more than have my life. I can't believe he just laid down and didn't have anything to say. I know that I need to move on and that I have made so much progress since joining Al-Anon. I tried to stay for two years, but like Aunt Yaya said, it takes two to keep a relationship going.
For those of you who are early on in your relationship with your AH, I won't give you advice, but just tell you what worked for me. I will tell you that there were red flags that I chose to ignore or hide. I keep thinking that things would get better if I would just be there for him. Instead of him getting better, we both got worse. His drinking binges became more and more frequent (and then affected his health, finances and legal status), and I became depressed and physically affected (my blood pressure and weight went up with each passing year). Get to Al-Anon meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor. Give your the alcoholic in your life up to his HP and trust in your HP to also take care of you. This is just would I would suggest. Take what you like and feel free to leave the rest.
I regret that I didn't get help sooner. I'm not sure if it would have saved my marriage, but I would have been in a better place much sooner and I think my kids would have been in a healthier state of mind today as well.
Hugs and God bless,
Green Eyes
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Sunday 8th of April 2012 10:44:43 PM
The end of a marriage is, indeed, a sad thing..but how much sadder to stay in a relationship that is so one sided. I finally figured out that when only one person works on making a relationship work the relationship is doomed. I wish you belief in yourself and courage in the months ahead...be gentle with yourself as you walk this path you never, ever thought you would be on...
Wow, Auntyaya. you and I do have a lot in common. My AH and I also saw a marriage counselor when I first moved out a year ago. He also suggested that my AH get individual counseling and go to AA. Then, after, that, we could start back to couple's counseling. My AH balked at that idea right away, especially since my AH said that I was the one who "had issues," not him! I feel that he did not want to have to deal with reality- way too scary!
And, yes, my kids know that I gave it my best and tried to give it my all to save our marriage. But, in the end, I couldn't do it alone. I, too have lost all trust and respect for him. I had to give him back to God. I also mourn what could have been, but know that that was not going to happen as long as his drinking issues continued.
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. It really means a lot to connect with someone who has walked a similar path and has had success like you have.
One day at a time...
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 9th of April 2012 11:51:46 AM
Ah Green Eyes..my marriage of over 30 years ended much like yours....our counselor said my AH needed a year of therapy (along w/ AA) and then a year of marital counseling..then we could decide where we were.I said I would do that (with great reluctance) however he opted out.I think it was because the counselor said HE needed the help and that meant HE was broken (couldn't blame me anymore..way too scary and he mightr actually have to take responsibility..
He did me a big favor. My kids can never say that I gave up on their Dad or our family...and I think he saved me two years of struggling. I am not at all sure that we could have salvaged a very damaged marriage.
To me , 2 of the major components of love are trust and respect and I had neither left for him.I am very content and love the peace , predictability and tranquillity of living alone. I mourn what could have been, not what was, but feel that what lies ahead of me is so much better than where I have been. The possibilites of joy is exciting..rather than facing a life of certain heavy heartedness.
You can do this....just take each day as it comes....
I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years. When I sought recovery, she wanted no part of it and although I would have liked to embark on the journey with her, it wasn't in the cards. So we divorced. I eventually met someone else and life is good now. When we put ourselves back together, the whole world comes together. Sometimes its not the world we planned on. But, keep coming back, do all those things you're doing to put yourself back together and who knows.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
We all think we are so unique, but our stories are all so eerily similar. I know that you will end up being just fine..I feel like I have slowly regained my joyful self ...I lost that part of me along the way in all the craziness and am just digging having the part of me that looks at the future with anticipation rather than dread...
Trust in yourself and take time to nurture the longest relationship we have in our lives..the one with ourselves....
