Since the ""A" hates me, for the last 6 years I have been back home, w/ my "folks".

When I first got home I had nightmares, I kept visualizing my ex husband & addict, standing over me while I would be 'waking up from sleep' or in the middle of the night.  Like he must have really been wishing he could kill me, for me to have these thoughts, nightmares.

My (ex) husband is a parallegal...  he collected & read hundreds of books on serial killers, he loved those forensic shows.  After 9 months of marriage, he told me how he wanted to kill a woman, a beautiful woman, so that the world would have lost something truly loved & valuable.  He wanted to know what it was like to see the life leaving her body by choking her with his bare hands.

Nat(urally) this put me into a state of shock...  as if after living with him for 1.5 yrs & he acted perfectly considerate, never raised his voice to me; getting wed; going to Kauai'i  & on the 2nd day of our 14 day honehmoon, he screamed at me.  I was a deer "caught in the headlights" frozen in fear & shock.

Then nine months & I get to hear of his disgusting & horrific fantasies of wanting to kill & get away with it.

We moved each year we were married...  just adding to the pot of stress & confusion.

Any idea I ever had was immediately torn apart, ripped down & crucified.  I could have told him the sky was azure blue & he would have argued with me.

I think I has PTSD for 5 years after leaving him...  I guess even still, with having forgiven him last month...  I am still very much on edge & old memeories are beginning to resurface.  I guess it is God's way of 'allowing' us to get rid of them.

I wasn't allowed to go 'round the corner to the 7-11.  He was a genius musician...  played loud electric guitar while contolling the tv, everything had to be on all the time.  I just thought he was manic-depressive just alsways in a manic state.  He blamed me for everything that ever happened to him.

When "pitch fork woman" got executed down in TX it was my fault, even though we lived in Philly.  He sd, "she reformed, she changed her life, she witnesses to ppl as a Christian now."  I would get so angry...  I believe murderers ought to be killed the way they killed others.  I don't want to kill anyone but I'm sure there are many ppl that would pay to do it & watch the executions.  An eye for an eye...  boy am I old testament & sure glad mom read me the Grimm's faery tails as a child...  Fairy Tale justice is swift & true.

Surely it helped me be non-judgemental & unwilling to be vengeful...  karma... 'cause I know God will "get us all" in the end.  I am thankful I am not God.

So I have been doing masonry work, granite, marble, stone counters, floors, fireplaces, surroung bathtubs...  all with this scar tissue & chronic & acute pain.  My wrists feel broken half of the time.  I know it is from my shoulders being out of whack.  Sometimes I can't hold a cup of coffee, or pick up a piece of paper.  And yet I have done this extremely hard physical labor, single handedly, for "the good of the family project".  Damaging myself further.  I cut my step-father's hair every month - I am a Master haircutter (17-18 yrs now) - that was one of the things he told me back in February b4 I tried to OD, he said, "you give great hair" as I was crying & desperate for any crum of attention or validation.  that was supposed to make me feel better?

I know working in chronic pain will do nothing but end my life sooner, more painfully & faster.  He doesn't care about that.  He just wants me to continue to work for slave prices, sacrifice my soul & heart to him.  One box of granite weighs eighty pounds, I often would have to carry them up 3 flights of stairs, working w/ no assistant.  Hearing the complaints all along the way that I wasn't going fast enough - the more I am pressured the more I get migraines. 

But I would get angry & feel unloved, so I would continue to work anyway...  does my dad care about me?  No.  He just wants to have his fix, gourmet food, adoration.  He is like a psychic vampire sucking the life out of me.  I know he resents me for existing.

He actually thinks I am lazy, when I have been depressed, suicidal, hurt, heart borken.  I wear $10 flip flops, eight dollar shirts & 20 dollar slacks from walmart or Target.  He buys $20 A & F boxers...  spends $700 on 2 slacks, 1 dress shirt.

Wouldn't he like to vomit if he knew I ate his left overs...  he is so wasteful.  Yes, I would eat off his "finished" plate...  mom always gave him the best food.  For 25 years we went without buying anything new for ourselves.  I don't go to the dentist or doctor, I have been so depressed, I won't even go out, forget dating.

But he has found 7-9 hours a day in which to drink, gamble & screw girls ten years younger than I.

Now I have to account for my work, my time, it is so hard, the days get sucked away, especially when doing hard labor - it seems so petty to me.  And still he says I am lazy.

I am depressed, broken, unloved & unappreciated.  If you bring the "A" something, he doesn't even say "Thank You" like a decent human being with one iota of common courtesy.

he says I don't appreciate - but it HE who does not appreciate anything around him.  No "hello" no "thank you's" - just expects us to lick his heels.

Today I am very sad.  He doesn't even care that we love him, he doesn't care to love himself. He would rather be with a woman that sacrificed her 3 yr old baby & husband for his drunken self.  What kind of morality is that? 

He doesn't even try or care to listen to me crying out for his attention for all these long years, 26 now.  I walked around feeling guilty & unworthy - come to find out he has no honor in him or he's just so far removed from himself...  he can't hear his inner child crying, kicking & screaming.

He never has pain, is always doing great. You would think after 5 months of not drinking he would have more energy, a clearer look in his eyes, he would be sad for abusing & using us for so long BUT NO - he just hates me.

I can't even begin to describe how much this hurts.   To lose my hero, find out he is out catting around like a bachelor when all we ever did was adore him.

Now wonder I wanted to die!  I wasn't living...  my mom was in pain, he was in pain, these days all he is is mean & grumpy.  You would think after being gone for a few days he would be happy to be home...  doesn't seem like he appreciates anything.

Every new day, salt is thrown in the wounds I am desperately trying to heal.

Now I have an ex that is being crimminally investigated fro prescriptoin fraud & wants "to kill my entire family".  I just want peace...  I am so tired & worn out, I feel like I could sleep for a year...  but I am the lazy  unappreciative one.

I told him he is lucky my mother is even willing to talk to him...  he is lucky he isn't my husband... I would shave his hair off at night, would have him followed, I have had so many ppl offer to "beat him up".  But I am an empath, I am a healer...  I'm not vengeful, how could I want anything but for him to "wake up".

It is hard to love someone that doesn't value themselves.  I am so heart broken...  seeing him makes me want to cry.  I almost wish he would attack me, so I could aikido him & break his arms. 

God forgive me, for being human, being hurt & abused, God forgive him, help him he needs you.

love, -K