The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was worried over how to approach my husband about a whole lot of things. Well I din't have to he approached me. We talked for a few hours. More than I think we have talked in a few years.
I don't really know how it went. It is amazing, he can still turn things around, but he was being a llot more reasonable than I'm used to. We still have the problem with his Mother, she is still ptting in her 2 cents and then some, and he still listens to her. I know that will take a lot of time if ever, for him to change.
He is feeling very sorry for himself. He says he feels like a piece of sh*t not working and with me carrying the whole load. That is the first time he has ever admitted that I do. Then he proceeded to tall me how he isn't capable of doing any more. Telling me how worthless he is, how he can't help that he can't hold a job. I just let him ramble. He is feeling sorry for himself that he lost a job he loved, but then turned the blame on them, saying that his Mother said the job treated him horribly and they are to blame. I wish the witch would just mind her own business! He seems to be starting to get it, but she is telling him what he wants to hear. I know nothing I can do about that. She is using the job issue to get him to go to the bars and talk to people he knows about work. He did say that was a bad idea.
He brought up that he is getting help and that his parents want to know when I will go into a program they approve of. I told him I won't. That I was getting the help I believed I needed. That I would not pacify his parents ever, and that I would not even pacify him. I said you do what you have to and I will do what I have to. I said that I accept the blame for the things I have done, but will not accept his or his parents.
He is still rationalizing, one second he is ripping himself apart, the next it is everyone elses fault and he is the victim. He is very confused. He then turned around and said okay, your not bitching or saying anything. Don't you care. I just told him, I am following your lead, on your timetable. Then I told him, he has to make an effor to to get work, and that he has to help support the kids. Then he said why should I, you don't need anyone, you do everything fine alone. You make me feel like worthless dirt. I said no you are making yourslef feel that way. I said I hate doing it alone, that I do becasue I have no choice. He said it was nice to be able to talk, but he feels like he can't talk to me about everyhting. I told him he can, that I am willing to listen about anything. I said I do have a few boundaries. I said if he starts a sentance with "My mother says" The sonversation is over. I told him I do not want her opinions, and do not care or want to hear what she says about anything. I said as far as we go, we can spoend as much time as he likes together, but here or somelace away from the house, but never in his parents house nor anywhere they are. He said with the Holidays coming they want to be included. I did tell him it was non negotiable, I was not being around them, nor where the kids. I said if he chooses to that is his option and I will understand, but I will not subject the rest of us to his Mother. He said he hopes I will come around and I held firm and told him it is completely non negotiable. We will not be around her. He said I am making it very hard, putting a wedge between our family. I told him that his Mother was putting the wedge, not me, and that I hoped he will one day see that. I told him he does not have to choose, he can still be a part of his parents family and this one as well, just never together. He said he wants it all and I said that will not happen.
He said you are making this hard on me, I am trying to not drink. I told him that is his responsibility, not mine. I told him I loved him, I told him I want to spend time with him, but I will not walk on eggshells. He has responsibilites and obligations and I will no longer pick up for him. He did ask me one question that maybe I should not have answered, but since he asked I did. He said to me, you think I should get away from my Mother don't you. You think she is bad for me and this family. I told him the truth, I said yes, you have to do what you have to do, but I think you should get as far away from her as possible and limit contact with her to a minimum. As far as her being bad for this family, I think she is toxic and poison and can only hurt us, that's why I don't want to be around her. He asked so I answered.
It is going to be a long road, I can see that, but we are talking and not name calling and not yelling.
I don't feel very good tonight. He is vulnerable and so childish, and I don't want to hurt him. It's just they have spent so many years protecting him and babying him, reality isn't too pleasant. He is seeing that somewhat. I will not gloss things over for him. I guess I can just keep telling him I love him, and hoping he stops trying to shove her down my throat.
The part that scares me is that my marriage has survived however rocky it has been the drinking. I am not sure it can survive his Mother. She is not letting up.
Wow Jeannie, it sounds like a good talk. I think it is ok that you don't feel that great. I think we get ourselves in more trouble when we feel too good or too hopeful. It sounds like you both were very honest--and sometimes the truth is painful. It is hard to see a grown person being immature and dependent. the one thing in your post that stuck out to me was his comment about you doing it all--and him feeling worthless. I struggle with this as well. I try to do everything and slap a happy face on it too (although I'm not doing homemade Christmas gifts with 6 kids, like you--lol) Maybe you need to give him a little opportunity to be responsible. Maybe ask him what he would like to start off with--it would have to be something very minor--but success may breed success. Just an idea- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I would love for him to do something. I would love for him to accept some of the responsibility herre. His Mom has him there, and she thinks she should come first, plus he isn't working. Someone has to pay the bills. The bill collectors are not interested in hearing that my husbands Mommy doesn't think he should have to work.
Love Jeannie
I am only doing homemade Christmas gifts because at this point I can afford that. I can at least give people my time and effort, if not more expensive presents.
Wow you have been fantastic. You are not getting dragged into the middle where his Mum is concerned and basically telling him that it his mother and he can choose what he wants to do with her but you don't have to. Don't worry about the expensive Xmas gifts the day is far too commercialised already. Your gifts are given with love and that should be all the receiver of the gifts thinks about. Stay Strong. Luv Leo x
