The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So A. comes home happy as a lark talking about starting treatment next wednesday. He will be in out patient treatment for a month.
I was downstairs w/him in his office having a smoke and coffee after dinner when he was telling me about how his day went. I listened and told him I am happy for him.
It was the opportune time to calmly confront him about things he said about me to our 15 yr old daughter friday nigth (about how I don't want to do anything w/the family anymore).
He told me he was pissed and it was a misunderstanding. I told him that I would appreciate the kids not being involved in that sort of stuff..that he should have told me those things if he felt them.
Then for some strange reason this huge calm came over me and I asked w/out hestitation if he had thought anymore about us living apart for awhile. He told me yes he had and that he isn't leaving.
I didn't argue. I said "okay, that was what I needed to know"..then he asked if I was leaving and I said "yes."
OMG.......first came the anger. "If you leave don't ever think of coming back" (which he apologized for later on).
Then came the tears. How he needs his family right now and he doesn't understand why NOW I am tearing the family apart when he is getting help. How he doesn't want his son (our youngest..the other two aren't biologically his) to go thru this. I reminded him that there is more than one child in this house.
He kept saying this is one step closer to a divorce.
He said he doesn't want me leaving the house (whew) and tried calling someone to see if they needed a room mate.
I had to leave to pick up the daughter from bball practice and before I left, I hugged him, told him I loved him and that I know he doesn't understand. I didn't expect him to now, but he will someday.
So I leave feeling very sad. Knot in my stomach and fighting back tears. Even though I know it is the right thing, it isn't easy.
I bring my daughter home and I head upstairs. I hear all this yelling and doors slamming. I go downstairs to see what is up and she's on the recliner, stone faced and watching a game. My son, the middle boy, pulls me into the room and tells me that the A. just yelled at his sister. My boy looks like he is gonna put his fist thru the wall and tells me "Mom, I just hate him."
I went upstairs to take a breather. I came downstairs and into his office. I asked if all was okay..I heard yelling a door slamming. He tells me no, he's pissed at the daughter. I asked what did she do. He said he told her that she is to quit running to me crying over things he says about me. That it was a misunderstanding and that she needs to talk to him from now on.
I stood there shocked. I said "how about this...instead of you going to her and saying things about me to her, you come directly to me."
I also told him that acting like he did, doesn't make it very inviting to come and talk to him.
I went upstairs after quietly and calmly shutting his door. I found my daughter hiding in the corner of the basement away from anyone seeing her crying quietly. I reminded her she did nothign wrong.
So he's upstairs slamming things, talking under his breath. He made a call to someone and seemed a bit more calmer.
THIS IS THE REASON THAT I CAN'T BE IN THE SAME HOUSE FOR AWHILE.
I will not subject ourselves to this. I have hit my rock bottom and as much as I want to believe that life can be rosey w/the white picket fence, it is gonna take time. I will do whatever it takes, go thru whatever discomfort I have to to make me and the kids lives better.
The next few days are gonna be hell. Let Go, and Let God.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 23rd of March 2009 11:46:00 AM
It is so horrible when they lash out at the kids. They seem to forget they are supposed to be the adult.
You are doing what you have to for you and your children. I know hte hell well, I live it as well. They don't understand what they are doing to any of us, or why we can't allow it. I only pray that recovery can make them see it.
Hug your kids and keep reminding them, that it is not their fault, that he is the one who is sick.
Take car eand be easy on yourself in the days to come.
What a day for you! It is easy for me to sit here and read your story but it is not easy not to feel your pain. I will continue to pray for you and the kids. Put all your faith in your HP that it will all work out. The farm house sounds like a good option, but maybe your A will see it is better for him to move out for awhile. Good luck this weekend.
Your story is what I used to through - I was in tears by the time I finished reading - do what you have to do for both your children and yourself. This is such a bastard (sorry!) of a disease, I kept telling my children they were not at fault but when they were young I don't think they really understood.
Hug your children often and make sure they go to bed each night knowing they are loved. You will have a tough time over the next days and weeks but be assured you will get through it, I and others here are living proof.
Last night was a restless night for my A. I went in and out of sleep myself.
He said to me in the middle of the night..."I want to bed, I want to plead and make promises that I know you won't believe-but I can tell you won't change your mind."
All I could say was that I understood.
This morning is a new day. I am still holding firm to my decision. Even as uncomfortable as it is right now, I have this sense of calm over me. It is in my HP's hands now. I have done the footwork and have turned it over. He will do what I can't.
I know he is hurting. That is the hardest to sit by and watch. I know my kids are hurting. Doubly hard to sit and watch. I can't close my eyes to this anymore.
This is a starting place for healing and recovery.
Today I am going to do some reading and journaling. Get a hold of my sponsor and pray pray pray.
Great that you are putting you and the kids first. Take care of your emotional well being. You have taken the hardest step already. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
