The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A. has seemed on top of the world since he quit cold turkey a few weeks ago. He seems anxious to get his assessment done today and start out patient rehab. I'm happy for him.
Sunday I was feeling a bit down on myself trying to figure out why I can't feel the same way about him anymore..about us.
Then last night I find out from my 15 yr old daughter, who is dealing w/a bunch of anger right now, that on Friday when he took the kids to the Xmas parade while I was at an open AA meeting supporting a friend of mine that he told the kids...
"Mom is going to go to a meeting and then probably out for coffee afterwards. She seems to not want to do anything w/us as a family anymore."
AARGGHH
This pissed off my daughter who we (her and I) had sat down and talked about her feelings of me changing plans from the parade to the meeting. She was fine w/it.
Apparently talking to me about his feelings about things are just too difficult, but he can spew this to the kids. ::rolls eyes::
He did this a few weeks ago when he took it upon himself to tell the kids that "Mom wants me to move out, but I don't want to". When I found that out, I explained to him that I was disappointed and that I wished that we could have sat down as a family and talked about what is going on.
Somedays I want to throw my hands up and towel in.
In June I filed for divorce from my A and it's been such a struggle because of the same communication issues. It seems like our A's turn it all around and place blame on others instead of taking responsibility. It's really quite difficult to have a healthy relationship when the communication is so messed-up!
(((sq))) my parents used to do those types of manipulative things when I was growing up. I know as an adult I struggle with how to reason those kinds of things out, so I know I couldn't do it as a kid. So to me your daughter's anger sounds normal.
You aren't going to be able to get your a to stop using manipulation like that. But you can talk to your kids about alcoholism and what it does to the family. Do they have the opportunity to go to Alateen? I didn't as a kid but i think it would have been really helpful.
It sounds like you are doing the best you can, and that is all you can ask of yourself, so take it easy on you and just focus on what you can see in front of you to do. One thing at a time. -Hope
You are doing the best you can with what you have. Sounds to me like your "A" wants to shift soem of the focus off of him and put it on you. My "A" does that, helps him to live in his denial bubble. But I know what is his is his and what is mine is mine.
Playing games with the kids is not fair. And very confusing for them, no ownder your daughter is angry, I would be. I remember my parents got into this huge fight when I was younger. My mom took my brother and I to the store and I remember her asking us who we wanted to live with her or dad. Talk about emotional pressure. Nobody wins when people play emtional games with the kids.
My suggestion is to keep up on working your program. Is alateen available for your kids? Educate your children on alcoholism and behaviors and as much as they can handle. My sponsor loaned me a book, I believe it is CAL, the tittle is Mommy what is drunk? or soemthing like that, it is for younger children, but it helped me talk to my 6 year old.
I hope things get smoother for you.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Yes, my daughter has been to Alateen but she didn't care for it. She wanted one on one counseling and got hooked up w/a great school counselor (she's been seeing for a few years now). And besides the counselor she talks w/my sponsor (who has become a close family friend) and talks to me often about her feelings.
Sometimes I feel like my kids really got the short end of the stick. I left a 7 yr relationship w/a practicing drunk and there were so many hopes and dreams w/this relationship. I realize that things could get better w/treatment and working a program, but that doesn't erase the damage and hurt that has been done.
