The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night we talked about going to look for a prelit Christmas tree after work tonight. Called husband at work and he now says hes not sure what time he'll even be home! Doesnt think we should try the place we discussed, doesnt think tree will fit in car, we dont have enough rope to tie tree in the trunk and on and on and on.
Why doesnt he say this at the time? And we went looking a few wks ago too and then the rope we had was fine, no problem getting tree in trunk, etc.
This is just an example. He does this with other things in our lives too.
If I were in your shoes, I would learn not to have any expectations with him. Let him go. Let the marriage go. If it is meant to workout, then HP/God will fix it. You've done enough work already, let God/HP do it.
If getting this kind of tree is important to you, drive yourself there, pick out the tree you want and have one of the people at the store put it in the car for you. If you are worried about rope, go to the hardware store first and buy a rope. The people at the store can totally help you, and it is their job to do that kind of stuff so there will be no mind games. If I can assemble my mom's pre-lit tree all by myself... I bet you can too.
It may not be specifically about the tree, but this is an opportunity for you to demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of doing things on your own. It is ok to provide things for yourself that are meaningful to you and will bring you joy. Even if no one else is interested in participating, that is ok-- you are important enough in your own right and deserve to do things for yourself that you would like to have done.
I couldn't agree more. If you live with an A, you have the choice of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and mad at him about all the things that he can't or won't do for you, or of going out and getting what you need for yourself. Looking back on my life when my husband was active, so much of the frustrating "Lord-I-hate-living-like-this" stuff was from having to wait around for an unreliable person. We'd go for a picnic, he'd go back to town for something we forgot, and not get back for five hours. Meanwhile, there I'd be, with two kids, and having left their swim stuff in the car with him, or whatever. Soon, I learned to say "I'll take the kids in my car, then you can ride your motorcycle out " - as long as I wasn't stuck without transportation I would be fine. The more I made sure that I had the things that I needed, without depending on him, the better everything went. The danger in this, of course, is that you are essentially living your life by yourself, with the A participating when he feels like it. However, if you look at it realistically, that is what happens anyway, when living with an active A. This way, you are acknowledging reality, instead of fighting it. I think one of the most important things, for us, is to look squarely at what IS, and not try to force things to be the way we want them to be, or worse, pretend that they are.
We did go out tonight and bought a 6ft prelit tree. After I saw the box I knew this was something I could have done myself. Im not ready to kick him out but I think I am ready to live my life myself w/just our son. Like someone said Im doing it anyways why not face that fact? If there's something I absolutely need help with I'll ask a friend instead of relying on an Alcoholic. Thanks
Rely on yourself, the "A" will say anything - even the lamest 'reasoning' makes sense to them, they actually believe their insane logic but it is the disease talking to them.
I am to the point, I won't ask the A for anything - he just feels justified in resenting/hating me whenever he does anything - he resents my very existence, I am a reminder that he is an alcoholic, a liar & a cheatter.
I have honor, integrity & am gaining peace each day... all the while I still don't think my step-father thinks he is putting a wedge deeper with each lie in our little tight family.
He will be a lonely man, even more so than now. Right now, he probably thinks he has the world by the tail or maybe not, maybe he hates me cuz he can see my potential where I don't. Maybe deep down he can see his addiction & feels trapped.
It just is so difficult when u love someone & they hate your guts for trying to treat them like human beings. I guess being human is earned just like trust. I simply do my best to avoid him, his hatred is lipping from my soul... each day I give more of him to God & let go of any hope or expectations of him, other than a pitiful addicted lost Soul. I pray for his intervention, God help me to stay out of Your way, so that Your Divine Plan comes to fruition. Amen.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
