send some comfort please - Al-Anon Family Group

notsonew1111 · Senior Member

send some comfort please

Angie · Veteran Member

You are right, you can. You do have the choice to stay, and deal with (manage) the way things are. (cause they 'are' and it stinks) Or you can leave. This is a choice. Take a deep breath, have yourself a good cry, and seek your HP. He will give you the strength to do whats best for YOU.

5 weeks ago, I had my 'a-ha' moment. Just a regular 'ole bender, nothing too dramatic. But in that moment, I realized I had the power to make a choice. I cannot accept him for what he is and stay. I will have to accept him for what his is - but from afar. This as been THE singlemost difficult thing for me to do. I cautiously made the plan-and followed through. My children and I packed as much as we could in the car, and we drove 4 days to a safe place. The pain is excruiating - but I value my sanity and serenity more. God will help me . I know this - as I have found the courage to change more than I would have ever done myself.

You dont need pat answers now, you need encouragement. Living with an active a is debilitating. It is extremely taxing on the fibre of your very self. Sometimes staying, is just another form of enabling. Do whats best for you - you WILL find the encouragement you need here, whatever your decision.

You are definately in my prayers tonight - I have recently been right where you are. Love, Angie

jaja · Senior Member

Helloo! If you read the first post I placed here about 10 days ago and then the ones I placed afterwards, you will see that I have recently been in a situation like yours as I'm sure many have. But I am also in a situation where I get to stay in the house and HE has to leave. Still it has been hard but hang in this place for encouragement. I think you'll see that you are certainly not alone and I hope this will help you. And I hopeyou feel at least a little better today!......jaja

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Notsonew,

I hope whatever decisions you make and actions you take are ones that are made with your self love and sanity first and foremost. There is no right and wrong decision here, it's your choice.

If you do leave, one of the hardest things may be to keep coming back. I know first hand that when things are better (or in your case A not with you) that it's easy to become complacent and to put alanon on the back burner. That is what I did. All the other small things were important and not this. So I had a lapse in growth.

I too am contemplating leaving. If I stay, I want the growth and the tools to manage the affect of the disease on me. If I go, I'll need a slightly different set of tools to deal w/ the after affects of living with the A, plus there still be dealings with the A for children etc. I want the program to continue the growth. One of the things I know I'd like from that growth is the self awareness of how any why I seem to be attracted to people that are A or like them.

I never want to make this mistake again.

{{{notsonew}}}

No that no matter what you do, your friends here stand with you, hugs and tissues at hand. ;)

Bob

hadit · Veteran Member

I too was in the same situation you are in now just a few months ago. The lies, insults, and lack of care about anything but himself. I knew for us to split was going to be a very difficult situation and it actually took me a year of waiting for him to stop drinking to get to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I am not going to fluff it all up, it is very difficult emotionally. I miss him all of the time. I miss my partner, the other part of me, but.....at the end, I realized I wasn't the real me anymore. I was a miserable, nasty, scared, yelling, nervous wreck, and for what??

I made him leave and it has been a rocky road but a road well worth it. I can now come home from work and know I don't have to deal with the crap that living with an alcoholic brings. I can speak to him on the phone and if he is drunk or nasty I can hang up and move on to whatever I choose to do. The key words being "I Choose". He still continues to make me miserable at times but now it is from a distance, just because he is no longer in my home doesn't me he is not in my heart. He has a disease that he refuses to treat as does yours and many others on this site. I would support him in trying to get help, but he chooses not to.

You don't have to "run for your life", you just have to find it again, remember running never gets anybody anywhere. What does get all of us somewhere is inner strength from our HP, strength from other members on this site, f2f meetings and most of all finding our own strengths and self worth that we have all buried.

What ever is right for you, only you know. Good luck and hang in there.

hadit

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi notsonew. I thoroughly understand your decision. Some of us are simply not genetically engineered, for want of a better phrase, to find serenity amidst the insanity of living with an active A. Some of us will not stand by while the A destroys everything in his/her path without regard for those who are being hurt the most. Some of us cannot put it all off to a "disease" which we do not understand, and bravely go on in martyrdom. It sounds to me like you have made a firm decision, and I wish you well. I would only caustion you to be as sure as you possibly can be. Your happiness comes first, and the path to that happiness is yours to follow.

With great understanding and caring, Diva

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((NSN)))))),

I to want to add a word of encouragement your way. I think Diva put it very well on how some choose to leave, and some choose to stay.

I to understand what you said, it is so hard to not have your emotional needs met. At times a play around with the idea of asking him to leave. I pray about it, and then feel led in the opposite direction. This is my choice to make, I want to stay, I am ok in staying. Actually having him stay.

My suggestion is to pray, talk to your HP about where you are at right now. Figure out what you want, where your boundaries are. Do what is best for you, and only you know what that is.

Angie was correct, no matter what your decission is, you will get encouragement from us.

Keep coming Back.

Much Love,

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi notsonew1111,

You are entitled to your choices. It is an insidious disease. I use to try to get my A to stop his behavior that was disrepectful, etc. I finally figured out that I had to set my boundaries to protect myself. Your A has a HP that can take care of him.

In support,

Nancy

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((HUGS))))) Not so New. Only you know when you have reached the breaking point. Some of us have chosen to stay for our own reasons.

I have been through a lot with my A, as we all have. We have both changed a lot since the horrible times. I ask myself many times why I stayed back then, why I put up with what I did?? I still can't answer that one except that I loved him even then.

My love for him has changed since then, the adoration is gone. I'm glad for that, only my HP deserves that kind of love.

I think the main change with us is that I DEMANDED respect, and really believe he feels it now.

The honeymoon kind of love is gone, but a deeper love has taken it's place, but only because he has earned it. The alcohol stole some things from us, it made memories I can't forget, but have learned to forgive since I started to learn and understand just what Alcoholism is.

I still see my A struggle with the very real and strong urge to drink, and mostly, he overcomes it. I don't know how wise it is, but I told him I don't mind if he has a beer or two in the evening to relax, and for us, it works. Once in a while, he has a few too many, and I remove myself from him, or totally ignore him. He finds he can't fight with himself, and gives up and goes to sleep.

Anyway, I'm not trying to encourage you to stay, I WON'T go back to the old days. Through Alanon, I have gained enough self-respect and self-love not to ever go back to that way of life. We have both come a long way from there.

Each and every situation is unique, and there is only so much a person can take. When I got to my breaking point, he sobered up. He is a VERY strong-willed, stubborn person, and when he decided to give up the binges, he pretty well did. The last one only lasted 2 days instead of 2 or 3 weeks, and he wasn't any where near me. That was in August, and I am beggining to wonder about Christmas? Praying he won't do it, but knowing there is a possibility because my son-in-law is coming, and is a drinker.

In some ways, I envy you, and the others that have left. No more wondering... Wishing you the very best in your future. I hope you keep in touch with us, we're rooting for you!!! I know it's hard, and I hope you keep coming back for lots of love and support!! Love and prayers, TLC

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