The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH (we are currently separated) texted me last night and asked me, if I didn't already have plans, if he could take me out to dinner to a very expensive restaurant for my birthday this week. Mind you, I had seen a photo of him a couple of days ago on Facebook of him obviously in a bar, with a huge beer mug in his hand, and in the photo were two women (I don't know who they are) as well as an alcoholic drinking buddy of his. They all looked very cozy together. I had forwarded the photo to him a couple of days ago after seeing it with the subect line: WTH? This probably wasn't a good choice on my part, but it was much better than some of the other ideas I had!
I texted back that he should probably check his email. He responded back a few minutes later and wrote, "I don't understand. I'm not allowed a life?"
I then texted him back with this response, "Believe it or not, I don't have plans for my birthday, but I'll pass on your invitation. I think that it would be very uncomfortable for both of us right now to spend time together. Sorry, but that's how I feel. That photo is a problem for me, I'm sad that it's not for you. Take care."
The other irony in this whole situation is that he almost got evicted last month for not paying rent, he owes the IRS a great deal of money (that I am also responsible for since we are still married and live in a community property state), and he had his cell phone and cable services turned off last month for awhile due to not paying his bills. Why in the world would he offer to take me to one of the most expensive restaurants in town???? One word: DENIAL!!! Just like him saying he doesn't have a drinking problem: DENIAL!!! Just like him not having a problem with his photo being posted on Facebook of him drinking, not wearing his wedding ring, and hanging out with two unknown women: DENIAL!!!
I'm glad that I used my Al-Anon tools and didn't say things that I would regret later, or things that would have caused us both to go into a rage- which has been our pattern in the past.
By the way, he still hasn't responded to my last response. And I'm okay with that. I'm sad that this will be my first birthday without him but I know that I made the right decision in the end. Thanks for letting me share.
I appreciate so much where you are coming from and I'm sending you love and support. You work a wonderful program!!! YES YES YES .. easy to say things and then have to deal with the fallout later .. it's hard to focus on mean what you say and don't say it mean .. your share reminded me how important that it is to do so and then stick to my own boundaries.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow, good job! So proud of how you responded. I'm sure it will be hard for your birthday but you are setting a boundary and it sounds like you have your ducks in a row. Happy Birthday, by the way!!! Do something nice for yourself. Quite frankly, I'd probably go get myself a massage and then get a pedicure, these are things that I hardly ever splurge on for myself but they feel so worth it! And, you are worth it!
I like the responses and Michelle's hits close to home for my recovery. By the way celebrating a birthday with Al-Anon friends can be a rip...I've done it lots of times and have never had a sorry one. One of the characteristics of the Alcoholic is grandiosity...(and denial). Life is totally Rad!! I'll pay for it later....somehow. Do the right thing for you and happy birthday!! (((hugs)))
Happy birthday! And what a great share! I especially love that you stated that "I'm sad" that the photo wasn't a problem for him. One of my ongoing problems is to say things like "it's sad" instead of "I'm sad." What a great reminder to own my own feelings and not project them onto the world.
