The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week I have been dealing with a lot of waiting to find out if my husband is going back to jail or not. And a lot of it has been due to him avoiding the Parole Officer and him telling me all about how he is going to fake the test and blah blah , things that I don't want to know about.
So I have been maintaining my sanity by not trying to get involved in the whole thing. But I am waiting to find out what happens so I can plan my next moves like work, school, kids, income. Just imagine how many things can change in your life when the sole support of your household is suddenly gone and you may be able to imagine the anxiety lol. I've been praying a lot!!
Anyway, in a brief moment of idiocy I told my active Addict husband "I don't know how much more I can take of this" and he some how manages to put it back on me.
He says "So I shouldn't share my life with you because it would just be something else that happens. Cuz that is life. Life is stressful" In other words, just because I use, you would not be able to handle life anyways. Ahhhhhh Help!!!!!
Am I crazy or is that really true? Cuz right now I don't know anymore. Maybe I can't handle life but it seems like that was a really mean thing to say to someone. Just when it seems like I have somethings figured out this disease throughs me for a loop!
Sorry so long, believe me it could have been wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy longer.
What you are, like most of us Al-Anoners, is sick..... sick enough to question that trash talk that your A is giving you... sick enough to allow ourselves to take on their addictions as our own issue... sick enough to have lost sight of where the line is between right & wrong....
The good news is, that there is help available for us, regardless of our A's..... Al-Anon, and our own personal recovery programs, help so much towards healing us, so we are better prepared to deal with the lunacy like you are facing today...
His disease truly is "cunning and manipulative", and your story from yesterday just reminds us of that fact....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to word all the stuff the came to my head reading your post.
We're going through almost the exact same thing, my A has been in jail since the 10th of this month, facing revocation of probation and 5 years prison time. All because he pulled another drinking binge. All the times I reminded him what was at stake if he messed up his probation, all the times pointing out to him that me and our daughter needed him, none of it made a difference. Yes life is stressful, but it's even more stressful when you're sitting around waiting for the next shoe to drop.
The only advice I can give you is you have to take care of yourself and your children. We CANNOT take care of the alcoholic, they have to take care of themselves. I am so very grateful for Al-Anon because it is teaching me detachment. Yes I still sit and cry when I think of where he's at now and what might happen if they do decide to revoke him. Yes I sit here and bawl when I see the items he broke that night and every time I look at my car that he wrecked.
During visitation yesterday, I suddenly had an analogy come to mind that I relayed to him when he tried to throw the blame on me about hurling all these resentments at him. This alcoholism has caused a wound on the both of us, and yes in time it will scab over. But just like a cut, if it scabs over and still has infection or poison in it, it will only fester and bust back open again. In order for this psychological wound to heal, I have to get all the poison (resentments) gone. Only then can it truly start to heal. And he could actually relate to that, I was amazed that finally that little light bulb went off!
I'm getting the resentment out by working my program as well as telling him "You hurt me by doing this, by doing that. You made the choice to go drink, that was not my doing. Yes I know what you're facing, but it is a result of your own actions not mine. I'm sorry you've put us both through this again, but you are the only one that can change it." So finally he was able to admit that yeah, this time all the fault lies with him, no one else. And with that realization, he took the first step of saying he needed rehab.
Call me stupid, but since he would not even listen to the rehab option before, I see this as a step in the right direction. So yes I am willing to try and drop the charge I have against him so that rehab can be more of a possibility. But I have flat told him that yes I do love him, and yes I do want us to have a life together, but that will not happen if he doesn't get himself some rehab and more intensive therapy. Because he's proven by the 3 relapses in the past 2 months that he's not working his AA program and he can not do this on his own.
I have our 8-month old daughter to think about now, and I don't want her growing up knowing Daddy as an alcoholic. I want her to remember her daddy as the wonderful man he is when he's sober and how much he truly loves her. She's too young to realize it now, she just sits and smiles and coos when everyone at my f2f meeting calls her their "lil al-anon baby", but I have to make sure she stays as happy as she is now. So if the A cannot stick with what he needs to do to make himself better, then it's up to me to do what I need to do to keep me and our daughter safe.
You're not crazy, Julie. You love an alcoholic, same as the rest of us in Al-Anon. I'm sure at one point, all of us have said "I don't know how much more I can take". But you remember that you are not alone going through this, that you have support out there and that somehow you will make it through all this. We all handled life before the A came into it, we will handle it after they've entered it as well, just maybe not as sane as before.
You're in my thoughts. Take care,
FOTB
__________________
Remember yesterday, Dream of tomorrow, Live for today.
Sometimes it is so hard to know what reality is - we start living in the twisted reality of the A. And we can't just say - "Oh, everything he says is a lie and twisted", because that's not true either. I had gotten to the point where I could not trust any of my instincts - nothing in my life made any sense, I was always trying to believe things that were not true. However, I have found that if I take my time, calm down, and be honest with myself, I CAN tell where reality lies. Yes, sometimes I am gulty of overreacting, sometimes I do try to manipulate others, but you know what? Often I don't, often I really do see the truth behind the lies. Living with an active A is like building a house in quicksand - however, the solid rock of reality is there, if we really try to see it.
I know when I get twisted up cause of an action of my husband (the A), I am crazy. I start gloom and doom thought, thinking I "just can't do this"
Then I come here, and people remind me that my Higher Power has it all planned out, no matter the outcome. It may not be to my liking, but it will be doable.
Sometimes I even start to feel guilty for living in Western Civilization, where I have the freedom to live without him if I choose, and be okay... That is how severe my rationalizations can get.
So if you are asking if you are crazy, that depends on who is defining it. If you are making your own definition, then you can make your own answer. If you are asking him, then the answer is probably gonna be "yes"
If you ask me, I say I am the only SANE person on this planet...LOL
I hope you find some clarity and strength through your higher power on this one. I know He has the answer.
Are you crazy for worrying that the sole support of your family might be going to jail. You would be crazy if you did not worry about it.
What would he rather you do, sit around and feel sorry for him? Actually that is probably it.
His actions his consequenses. Unfortunately too often we are the ones who suffer them.
There is nothing you can do about him. He needs to worry about himself. Instead of worrying you can take care of you and your children. Start figuring on alternate ways to support yourselves.
Blaming him doesn't accomplish anything except to get everyone angry. Look out for yoursleves and know that with the help of a program you can be and stay sane.
There is no way that you are crazy. Maybe a little off kilter like the rest of us (lol) but welcome to the club.
What's crazy about wondering how you are going to take care of your family? That's not insanity, that's sanity. Addicts are so good at manipulation. They are the masters at it. When they are active, they are genius at it. It's so easy to turn it back on to the shoulders of the spouse or whoever is sober. So I suppose it your fault that he's using?! I think not. That's his sickness. Not yours. Don't loose yourself in his disease.
My bother-in-law cheats at his tests all the time. My sister is clueless. But then, she's in denial. No what there is nothing I can do about it. I can't help her, and I can't help him. As frustrating as that is, Let Go and Let God.
Hang in there. Cut yourself some slack. You are doing what you have to. You are making sure that you are recovering. You'll be okay.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
we all have seen the jekyl and hyde personalities of our "A"s
life takes some twists and turns.
my "A" is my ex-boyf. who keeps thinking we have a wonderful future ahead of us once he gets out of rehab for the 18th time. he is 24 yrs of age and has alot of s**t to deal with. i didnt know him when he was drinking at all. i was going out with him for 1 year and 3 mths he was clean and sober 18 mths befor that and for the entire duration of our relationship... then we had a fight because his old mates turned up on the scene... the scumbags, the druggies, the delinquents, my baby was replaced by a monster. it was like he had a split personality. he was never abusive mentally or physically... but he cause dme such heartache and pain i cant forgive or forget it. h had a party in OUR apartment and all the scumbags were there with the slappers of the area... their were girls i my bed but yet he swears he didnt cheat on me... he swore to my mother and all my family that he never was unfaithful to me. no matter how many times he says it i cant believe him... he is keeping this up now for 3 and half mths.... i cant trust a word that comes out of his mouth so i cant be with him... even when my heart breaks every single second of every day... i cant live my life like that. i always thought w'd be together 4ever...i was naive and stupid to believe in happy endings.. they only happen in fairy tales...and thats not reality! his mates will still be there when he gets out of rehad...and the cycle starts again.. my head cant take the pressure or i wud end up in a mental hospital. be strong.. i know its not easy! xxxxx
Aron
