The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One comes in the end to realize that there is no permanent pure relationship and there should not be. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Whether we are teenagers in love for the first time, or parents who have been married for twenty years, relationships can turn into obsessions if we're not careful. We can lose our sense of self and only feel complete when we're with the other person. We can become totally attached and dependent on the primary person in our lives for all our needs.
######ROSIE.....oh for me it was just about every relationship i was in IF i was "in love"....boy i was possessive....even close female friends....i CLUNG...if i cared??? i clung........i had no sense of self from way back.....the perp absorbed me.....i exhisted teh way he said i should/ would exhist...that was that.....i drove myself nuts trying to be loved/ accepted/ NOT abandoned.....all i got was abuse and incest AND when times were good?? he abandoned me ........what attention i did get i did not want, but what the hell it was SOME thing.....i felt like i had SOME use..even if it was for his devient evil.....the ONLY time i felt "useful" was when he was in my room.....so what self did i have????? NONE......and it carried on in my relationships......my desperate need to be loved for myself, and to not be hurt or abused caused me to become a controller/ manipulator/ people pleasing on one end..exploding at being used/abused on the other....i would let people use and abuse me and than i would explode with anger and the relationship, sick as it was, would end and create FURTHER anger/resentment/distrust in me....it was a cycle!!! and i didn't know how to get off.....a runaway merrygoround.....too fast for me to just jump, so i had to just "hang on" and i have been "hanging on" SINCE!!!!!!!......i was attached AND dependent and it was always with the wrong people........
We need to remember that we can be a good partner in a relationship only if we feel complete within ourselves. Keeping ourselves open to change in our surroundings, our loved ones, and especially ourselves helps us stay whole. We learn, first, to be ourselves, to make independent choices. We dare to do things on our own. Things as simple as going for a walk by ourselves and smelling the scents of nature. Being ourselves means bringing our own world to meet the world of our loved ones, rather than depending on them to make our world.Am I making my own happiness so I may share it with others?
#####ROSIE..... the key word to me here, is "PARTNER"......not sole contributer....not doing all the work....but a "partner" AND i must feel complete within me to BE a partner......the slogan "let it begin with me" means so much for me......FIRST i have to have a relationship with ME...God...Life....AS me... B4 i can radiate ANYthing out to others.....KNOW how to meet my needs/ wants myself......KNOW that i and my HP are my rescuer and NOone else....i had no such clue of this way of life.......being open to change.....people come and go....they die...leave us....whatever....they are here for a reason....season.....and if i am lucky??? a lifetime...but i don't count on past today anymore.......i work on me....maintain me...keep me "tuned up" for the ebbs and flows of life......i know i have to take care of me.....being the REAL me....i am making my OWN world, that i can share with others..........i have to make my OWN way.....write my OWN life song......than i can share it with others who are SAFE................
Boy, do I understand - a couple weeks ago, i realized I was just like the "A's" themselves... they throw their lives away for a fix, doing anything to dis-associate themselves from themselves... I was the same so desperate for love & feraing abandonment that I gave ALL of my love away to anyone & everyone, I was spiritually dying STILL and didn't realize it.
Last month or so lightening struck my sick little mind... I was giving myself away to someone (anyone else but me) that was giving themselve's away.
I decided to keep a spark of love for me, to love me first, and slowly but true it is growiing stonger, brighter. The tiny little glint is now a full blown flame (a tiny one but still) maybe one day it will be a raging fire of love for myself... for the more I have, the more I have to give.
Love is just like knowledge, the way to keep it is by sharing it (well, okay again - not to the extreme that one exterminates themselve's like I was but) you all get the jist.
"One comes in the end to realize that there is no permanent pure relationship and there should not be." --Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Not to contradict her but as John Bradshaw said, "we are born alone, we die alone" - ultimately this is true we always have ourselves. I trust myself more than anyone else I know, I am honest, true to my word & I can depend on msyelf.
hugs & kisses to u rosie shining brightly, my friend in recovery, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
KITTY>>>>>>>>>>>>I decided to keep a spark of love for me, to love me first, and slowly but true it is growiing stonger, brighter. The tiny little glint is now a full blown flame (a tiny one but still) maybe one day it will be a raging fire of love for myself... for the more I have, the more I have to give.
ROSIE>>>>>>>>you are so awsome.....my little spark is there, and slowly growing stronger /brighter too...... i am getting there, "to thy own self be true".....i am doin it.....TODAY i will give gratitude for the special and beloved child of God that i am..........hugs back at ya......rosie
Wow! I remember my last relationship....I would whine and complain because I wanted to see him 2x per week. I would make dinner for him, buy him things, and basically kiss his a**. Ewww...how gross I was. I was begging for scraps and I was told I was too needy and being ridiculous. This is the fella that was seeing my friend behind my back and now they are getting married. Then the next relationship the guy won't leave me alone. He wanted to hire a nanny for my daughter so he could spend everyday with me.....this in the 1st couple months. Then when I wanted to try the relationship again after I couldn't take anymore he did a 360 degree turn. That's when I broke out of my denial and realized he was a sex addict. I didn't want to see the truth because I wanted a relationship with someone so badly that I put up with him showing me pictures of girls he met out because I stayed home with my daughter.....this was his way of punishing me. I just wanted someone with balance. I wanted the guy who would rather stay home with me and my daughter and be a family. This all goes back to my father. He was the "A" that couldn't stay faithful. He was my role model of what a man is like, so I didn't know. My mother put up with it for 20 yrs. So, I learned not to have any boundaries and to try and control someone's sick behavior. Duh!!! It took getting in Alanon to get me better. Thank God!!! I have so much more serenity in my life now. I'm certainly not looking for a relationship right now. I need to get healthier before I do that. I'm so much happier without the addicts in my life. It is way too much for me to deal with. Thank you guys so much for sharing your stories. It was just a reality check again. Have a great weekend!
