The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was the three kid's school conferences. The two oldest (15 and 13) are mine from a previous relationship. The youngest, 6, is my A's biological son.
When I met my A. he was so excited to have me and my kids in his life. After his relapse years ago (and continued drinking) their relationship has become very strained.
So yesterday the youngest had his conference at 4...the other meetings w/teachers for the two oldest followed. My A. said he would go to the 4 o'clock conference and then said to me..."I'd go to the others but I would hear is how good A. is doing and how bad J. is doing". He left after the youngest conference.
So I went alone. Listened to the praise for the kids and what they needed work on. The 13 yr old is having difficulties in school and it was very important to attend these conferences and see what the problem is and what the possible solutions are.
After 2-1/2 hours meeting w/teachers and soaking everything in I was mentally exhausted. I came home very disappointed in my A.
He asked me what the problems were for the 13 yr old and I didn't even want to tell him. My thoughts were that if he couldn't even come to conferences, why should I tell him? He had come home to work on his remote control airplanes.
After dinner I sat my son down in private...away from his step father (past experience has shown that all that would have happened is belittling and anger) and we worked out a plan.
My A. apologized for not being there w/me earlier in the evening. Words. Once again WORDS. Sorry doesn't make it better. I'm not resentful but I do see things for what they are.
My oldest told me last night when she found out that he went to her lil' brothers conference and not hers that it feels like he doesn't even care about her. He doesn't go to her basketball games, doesn't go to school functions.
I HATE to see my kids suffering. It breaks my heart.
My "A" is the biological father of all my children. Our oldest daughter had her first conference last month. We had both planned to go, then a last minute training at work was planned for me, so I wasn't sure I could go. Her conference was on a Monday, that Friday my training was canceled. That weekend my "A" and I got into a huge fight. He left for the weekend. Well that Sunday night our middle daughter came down with the flu. I wasn't going to go to work. I was going to stay home with our middle daughter and then take her to the conference with me. My "A" suddenly came home before I left for work. He was able to take care of our middle daughter and I went to work. He called me a few hours after I had been at work to ask if I was going to the conference. I said I was and asked if he was still coming. He said he couldn't because of our daughter. I even stopped by home after work to pick him up, he said that our daughter was better, but he wasn't going to go.
Our daughter is 3, she would have been fine, and I bet we could have even had a neighbor sit with her for the 20 minutes we would have been gone. I was so hurt that he didn't come. He was mad at me and our daughter had to pay for it. But that was his choice to make, and he is the one who will have to face it.
Sometimes I get tired of being the strong one, the one that is always there. But I have chossen to stay with my active "A", and that doesn't mean I have to take on his responsibility, just that I don't have a partner to share in the shared responsibility.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
