The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well its quarter after three in the morning and guess what my a still isnt home. big surprise. i dont have any feelings right now on this. i kept myself busy with my best friend. we went shopping and painted some of my furniture. it looks great. she just left. im not surprised he's not home. i had a little bit of faith that maybe just this once he'd be telling the truth. of course not he's an a. i dont want to become numb to things but right now i am. like i said i dont have feelings right now. i know hes out doing coke again. its just hitting me how serious this problem has become. and thats quite scary. so he will miss work tomorrow guaranteed because of this. and we will have another week of fighting or not speaking to one another. since ive started to not tell him my feelings about this and keep my mouth shut there has been more frequent binges. im trying to let him do want he wants without me saying anything like i was told to do by so many others but it just seems that he thinks i dont care anymore therefore he can continue using and not coming home. thats just how i see it. expressing myself in the past and showing him how much he hurt me seemed to keep him home. but now this is twice in one week when it used to only happen maybe once every two or three weeks. so i see the disease is progressing. but the one different thing is im so calm right now. thats a first. dont even feel a tear coming. of course im upset. i just dont know how to explain anything right now. just trying to figure out how i feel about this i guess. maybe it is time for me to move on. i dont want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to hit his bottom which may never happen. i have no trust for this man. not one little bit. he could have shown himself to me tonight. but showed me instead that he is a lyer and just doesnt give a shit. well maybe somewhere in the back of his mind he might have thought this is wrong i need to go home to my wife but in the end the substances and friends came first as usual. thats just not right to me. i need a man i can count on and more and more he is showing me he is not the type of man i need in my life. i put off moving because i cant count on him to pay his share of a more expensive place. i put off our wedding because i dont know if he could ever honor the vows. i put off having a baby because i dont see how he could be a responsible father. in other words i am putting off all the things i dream of and wish for in my life. how can i be happy if i keep putting off the things that really mean the most to me. dont know what else to say. just trying to figure things out as i type. i need some answers.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Okay somewhere in cyberspace is the original message. Trust me it was pretty good. Let's see if I can recreate this.
There is a poem I have on my refrigerator that I read when confusions sets in. Here it is. I hope this helps. "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will learn then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers." The point is that the answers to your questions will come in time, when you are ready for them. They may be right in front of you. You can't see them because you are not ready for them. You'll know when the time is right. Call it instinct, your HP talking to you, whatever. But the answers come when we least expect it. Be patient with yourself.
We all have this idyllic life that we hoped to live. There is nothing wrong with wanting it. I never dreamed of the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, etc. I always dreamed of a tenure track position, marrying a professor, taking our summers off to travel and do research. Well I met and married the man I love at college. We've done a bit of traveling. But now, my idyllic life has changed with the times. My life would be finding a new job that I love, and working with people I enjoy, my A being sober for longer than 30 days, (we're getting there.) and maybe a new home, plus my Eagles winning the Super Bowl. But I can't complain. My A is sober, and I have a roof over my head. I just have to work hard at finding something I love.
You're doing just fine. I'm proud of you for not going crazy when he didn't come home. It's easy to get into self-destructive behavior when we're stressed out. Give yourself time. You'll find the answers. Loving an A, active or not is hard work. Friends of mine who don't have addicts in the family often say that they would cut and run, and they admire people who can do this. There's a certain kind of strength, toughness, some say stubborness that we have that makes us capable of doing this. Some also call it co-dependency. I'm not so sure about that 100% of the time.
It's now 7am here, and the has come up on a beautiful day. I love watching the sunrise. It always gives me hope for a new day. Be good to yourself. Get some rest. Enjoy the day. Sending you love and prayers.
Live strong, Karilynn
-- Edited by Karilynn at 06:52, 2005-11-17
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi, not that I know anything,but I think your very smart not to marry this man or have children. I have 6 kids and we willnot get into the fathers,but I did meet a man and has his child before I knew what was what. 15 years later,no childsupport and he is still active. I admire you for waiting.
You are doing things for yourself. I am really happy that you had your girlfriend for company and achieved something for you. Don't think about what your A is doing or not doing it just makes our mind go crazy. We imagine the worst and then feel guilty in case something is happening to them. You are not pushing him out the door and making him use that is his choice. You have already made wise decisions by not making a committment. Surrender to HP and ask him to give you strength to get through this. Luv Leo x
WOW! I think you are a pretty strong gal! I used to make myself sick literally waiting for my husband to come home, wondering what he was really up to, trying to think up good rational excuses for him not being where I wanted him to be--at home with me--not using with his friends. Good for you for having fun with your friend--it's great that you have somebody to be with.
I know it may seem like he thinks you don't care, because you aren't saying anything, but that really isn't the reason he is doing coke more! I'm married to an addict/alcoholic. He knows how I feel about it all even when I'm not telling him (that's one, only one, of the reasons he tries to hide it when he is using). Unfortunately once that beast is awake it takes a lot to get it asleep again and things just get worse until it does go to sleep. (Oh how I hate that beast!)
Noone knows how long another should stay with someone. Just remember you are the one who lives there. You take care of you--especially since he is unable to. It sounds like last night you were doing a good job of that!!! Take care! I wish you rest and peace today.
has come up on a beautiful day. I love watching the sunrise. It always gives me hope for a new day. Be good to yourself. Get some rest. Enjoy the day. Sending you love and prayers.