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On my way to work I got to thinking. We had given are old car to my sister and I took it back for a few days while mine is getting fixed. This car is old but runs fine. I got rid of it because of what I think of when I'm in this car. Almost a year ago my A was at his worst or so I thought. He had been on a binge and was feeling the effects of it on this morning. He asked for help. So I said lets go to the hosptial. He agreed to go. This car was in line first in the driveway. We got in I drove and he sat beside my with a small trash bucket to throw up in. their was no talking. Off I went on to the highway I was going about 70mph when a gust of wind came. The front hood of the car came up and wrapped it self around the windsheild from the speed I was going. Every things was black. I was in the second from the left lane in traffic. I looked in my rear window to many cars to stop cars on both sides. If i sank down in my seat their was about an inch of window i could see to drive. I started to slow the car done and pull over to the right. No break down lane. Drove for another mile and a half before i could pull over. still not a word form my A. I stopped and he said why not just let us die. I said nothing back. Got out of the car to see what i could do. I pulled the hood down but it could not lock to bent. I looked for string my shoe laces anything nothing. In the back was my sons toy. I pulled it apart and some how locked the car hood. I got back in the car and off to the hosptial we went. He was still throwing up. We went to the ER and checked in. they took him right away. Once the nurse came i said I'm going home call me later. She came after me and told me her story 15 years sober. I said i can't do this he almost killed me. The night before he had to jump his car to start and could not shut the hood. He drove home slow not to have the hood open. He was to drunk to remember and it almost killed me and him. We have three small kids 4, 2, and 4 mos at the time. To leave them with no parents. That was it. But do you think this was his rock bottom. NO it got worse. Two days later back drinking again. A's rock bottom are sooooooo much lower then what we think. Well being in this car it all came back again. He is sober now 10 mos( almost a year). I'm not sure i will ever get over the fact he almost killed us.
I'm sorry this was long. I just need to get it off my mind so I could sleep tonight. I have never told anyone that story. If people ask about the damage to the car I always said to long of a story. I was sick of the asking and got rid of the car. Thanks for letting me get the truth out.
Yes it is sad how the bottom for an "A" is not what we think is a bottom. I have been sharing at meetings lately that my "A" is starting down the road to hell. It is ahrd to watch, but I can't stop him or slow him down.
I can understand why you wanted to get rid of the car and how hard it would be to be in that car after what happened to you. Your HP was really watching out for you that day.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Your right my Hp was looking out for me. At the time I was so mad at HP for my life being a mess I didn't see it. I didn't see it until i just read your note. I think when I use the car in the morning I will have a diffrent outlook about it. THANK YOU. I needed that.
Congratulations on the 10 months sobriety. You should be so proud of him and yourself. My A is slowly working towards that goal too.
The old ghosts do come back to haunt us. I remember I came home one day before he went to rehab, and he said that he had swallowed almost a full bottle of Paxil and his BP meds, because he wanted to die. I thought that was rock bottom too. He went to rehab, and then relapsed. That first year is so hard on us and them. With the holidays around the corner, the ghosts are starting to reappear. Thanskgiving was okay. He relapsed by Christmas, and I prefer to forget about New Year's Eve. This year I'm looking foward to the holidays. Even if something happens, I know I can get through it. I'm pretty sure that nothing will happen, but with an A you never know. But I do know that I will be okay. That's a big difference from last year.
Glad you're okay. Your HP was most certainly right there beside you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend in the Program and she was saying how her and another friend were talking one day about my situation and how they were curious where and what MY rock bottom would be.
It is always so easy to think of the A's rock bottoms....I forget sometimes about ours.
Ive just come to the realization that what I tjought should be my husbands rock bottom was not his bottom. He lost a kidney back in Aug due to cancer - but how do we know his drinking didnt effect it too? He actually increased his drinking when he was home recuperating. Today he's off to the thyroid doctor so that time is being relived. Im hoping he doesnt need that removed too.
I think that was my rock bottom although Im still fighting it.
I wish I had more time right now to reply but I have to go to work. But I just wanted to say that I now believe there is no such thing as rock bottom. Since this disease is will always be one day at a time. there's always the possibilty of relapse and yet another " I thought he hit rock bottom before". I no longer even bother with the thought of rock bottoms. Hugs to you!
I understand why you got rid of the car. We have a leased vehicle that is being repaired and I want to get rid of it due to the bad memories of him driving around drunk in it and living out of it at times when I would not let him stay at home.
I think the term rock bottom is tricky. In Feb my A said he was at the bottom---there were many more to come and each was worse than the last. It's a very difficult disease---if we worried too much about what was to come we would go crazy--so maybe it's best to live odat.
My A is sober 3 weeks---he's been mostly sober since Sept with 2 relapses. He's working the first time since March--got his first paycheck yesterday. He seems different--better--full of hope and life. He's working hard, helping at home, more confident---he was already offered a foreman's position. Yet, I can't help but wonder when he will start drinking---I don't feel like I can count on him even though he's been dependable (for this short period).
When do we begin to trust and count on them again?? Do we ever??
Very thought provoking.... Thank you for sharing your experience. I too believe HP was watching over both of you. Someone stated that we can predict or anticipate what our "a's" bottom would look like, but possibly not our own. I think there is truth to that too. So many times I thought , that's it I'm done I can't do this anymore. We get into a huge fight and I ask him to leave. Usually after we calm down and talk about the situation we agree to continue trying to improve our relationship and he's back in the home, actually he doesn't really leave. My prayer is that my rock bottom forces me to change me, if leaving the relationship is the key I guess I'll know it then.
Congrats on 10mos!!! HP really does work in our lives.
Take care~
Twinmom
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
