The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter) finds just husband, son and I hanging out for the day. We may get together to eat but then we all go off and do our own thing.
Facing the holidays can be so hard! In preparation, a few weeks ago I began asking myself, "What do I really want to do for the holidays?" "What will feel good on that day?" "How can I take care of myself during that day?" Using these questions, I have "tried on" a bunch of options until I came to ones that felt good to me. I created a plan A, B, and C so that I would have several options that I could choose from on the actual day.
I've decided that I want a restful, peaceful day. I will spending the holidays alone, so in this case that means creating a small smorgasboard of options that I can choose from on that day: a few good books, a good dvd or two, the local movie listings, and a few ingredients for a low-key yet delicious dinner. I plan to rest, read, take a good long walk and eat a yummy dinner.
Since I'm spending the holidays alone this year, so I called a friend and shared that I may be lonely over the T-day and would it be o.k. if I called her to go to a movie if I just needed to get out of the house and needed company. Sharing my need so directly really helped me.
Keeping busy, focusing on myself, staying in contact with HP--all of those things seem as important during the holidays as ever.
I encourage you to really think about what you want to do with your holidays. What will you do that's fun and feels good?
I'm not really looking forward to the holidays either. I'm not sure what will be going on yet. We live close to both sets of parents, but we haven't talked about whose house we are to go to. I really don't want to go to his mom's house. I'm not excited to see his sister and brother either. His sister is an active drug addict and his brother is just really strange! Anyway, I like to cook, but I'm not thrilled about having them over to my house and my parents don't really like his family,so they don't want to be with them--they will of course for me, but still.
I hope that you can find something good to do. Try to stay positive! Good luck.
I so can relate. The four of us (husband, 2 kids and myself) spent alot of holidays together over the years by ourselves and many were dysfunctional. Taking one day at a time and focusing on me helps me so much. If I decide to decorate the house, I do it for me and enjoy it for me. I use to do it for everyone and now choose what I want to do. I gave up years ago thinking all 4 of us can decorate the tree together in a Halmark moment. I make myself some hot apple cider with a cinamon sitck, put on music and enjoy it for me. It took awhile to get use to but I am use to it now :) It is like a project I myself accomplished. I do the same on holidays. Expect nothing out of anyone else and know I am making the turkey or whatever for me :) If anyone joins in, well that is an extra benefit I did not expect. Not having expectations helped me alot. The other thing was trying to maintain calm in myself no matter what. I would think calm,, calm,,calm,, I did not engage in the usual arguments over things and after a few holidays calm actually spread around the family. That is my experience. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors anyway. The most perfect looking houses and families may have the most intense dysfunction and we would never know. Focus on you and do what it takes to make you happy and healthy :) One day at a time. Most holidays are only one day anyway depending on faith. Why look ahead and think about that one day so much. Enjoy today and what today will bring to you and what you can bring to today. cdb :)
I made a list of what I like doing in my free time. Why should the holidays be any different? maybe burn a pumpkin or Christmas candle instead of an ocean candle? I can adjust little things like that. Im also planning on maybe a movie that day - I'll plan on bringing my son. Since I work at our town library I already have a stock of Christmas movies and books.
I have to learn to plan to do things for me and let the others either come along or not.
Thanks for those tips. hmmm I am always looking for new ideas for me too :) I also come here to the board for support or to just reply to others and that makes me feel good too :) cdb :) PS,,, I have IT's A Wonderful Life, I love to watch that one at the holidays :)
for me???? no family....alone......used to be they sucked!!!!! depression time BIG time......now????? i don't know...this is ending my 2nd year of recovery.....last year wasn't so bad and i was new into recovery..........now??? i hope that they are better.......i will rest/ watch tv.....MAYBE see if the local nursing home will welcome my bringing in one of my labrador retreivers in for a *petting zoo*......well see...........but yeah, holidays can augment lonliness...........
Over the years we have had so much chaos because of my husband. With so many kids, the Holidays are exciting here. My front door practically revolves with the big kids and their friends. I try and keep it festive for them. I serve no alcohol at all, but we have plenty of soda and juice, lots of snacks and cookies.
I try and keep focused on both the spiritual part of the Holidays as well as the Santa Traditions. We drive around and look at lights. I take the little guys to see Santa, go to breakfast with Santa, and do the whole Reindeer on the roof routine for Christmas eve.
We also celebrate the traditions of Advent, and go to Mass on Christmas Eve. My one daughter has been an Alter girl for a few years and always serves Christmas Eve Mass. We go to Holiday bazzars and Cookie walks. We just keep busy!
I get down sometimes but I try to focus on the joy and wonder of the Holiday Season.
We start our Season on Thanksgiving Day. We go to the HighSchool Football game in the morning. My son played for years and now one of my daughters is a cheerleader and I drive the bus. We then sit with the little guys and watch the end of the Macy Parade on TV. Santa arrives at five minutes to noon. I love watching their faces. It is like the magic begins.
The Day after Thanksgiving, I am one of those nuts that armed with a thermos of coffee is in the stores for the sales at 6AM. I go alone, and to be honest, I enjoy that my time.
Dunno but i do know I have no interest in putting up lights or a tree -- i wish I had 20 crusifixes, I would just hang them up all over the living room -- cuz I feel crucified.
We took down some lights & put some up inside. Our whole street goes to town, wrapping their houses & trees. But this year, no facade... I just want to get something out of it spiritually.
I think I'm so drained today, all of this growth & emotional stuff is exhausting.
I hope everyone does wonderful things for themselves & makes thei own wishes come true. Putting up the millions of lights to line the house, make it look like I like it has snow on it. Here in TX, it's funny to see palm trees covered in lights. I was always a drunkin' fight that would go on for days in the A's beligerence -- & then there was the double work (which I hate) just do it right the first time, geesh!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Last year I dreaded the holidays. My A relapsed shorty before that. Thanksgiving was okay, he went to meetings and was sober. Christmas was tough, and New Years Eve I prefer to forget. But not this year. The circumstances are different. I think I will always be a bit aprehensive because he's facing not seeing his family again. But he is also at a halfway house. So he's safe. He's also sober. But the bottom line is that if he chooses to drink, he's going to do it. The boundary is that he's not allowed to do it here.
There is something about the stress of the holidays that makes sane people crazy, and insane people seem normal. (I'm talking about myself here folks!) I work retail. Between the abnormal hours, trying to get ready for the holidays, etc. it can be too much for anyone. This year I have resolved come hell or high water that I will be more serene. The Serenty prayer will become my mantra. I will do what I can, and if I can't, I refuse to get all bent out of shape. We have such high expectations for ourselves and of other people during the holidays. I was convinced that my A was going to stay sober during the holidays. Silly me! He has a disease. The disease doesn't take a day off. Why can't we just do what we do on an everyday basis? Let Go and Let God. Does that make sense?
I really have no idea what is going to happen this year. I am hopeful that he will be okay. I just have to do what I do on a daily basis. Give it up to God. Hope and pray for the best and take it one day at a time. No sense in projecting into the future. That's when I get myself into trouble.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Like I said in my other posts. Our reactions to situations seem very similar. I am dreading the holidays. We are not together as a couple and it has been difficult. But on the bright side my sons from college will be home. I would like to feel the spiritual side again. I need to fake it until I make it. I hope to take the focus off of me and somehow help other people.
I'm sooooo glad that I'm not the only one who is dreading the holidays! I hate them! I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when they are over!
I don't seem to find any joy in them anymore and I was trying to think of when this started. The year I was out homeless, I didn't go anywhere, at least I don't remember going anywhere with family.Then after I was in my own place again, I went , but didn't find any enjoyment in it anymore. I can't get even my grandchildren anything I would like to, and forget affording anyone else a present, and I just am not into it anymore at all! I know it's not all presents, but I have one child that celebrates the spiritual side and one who doesn't. One does Santa , one doesn't. They were dragged around from family to family when kids with divorced parents and they stay home, but we have it early or late , not on 'the' day! I mostly don't hardly get to see them open the presents I am able to give them! So I'd just rather forget it exists, and it's a sad time to me. I feel like it's supposed to be one way , but it never is that way and won't ever be the way it once was , so why participate in it at all? Anyway , ya'll are not alone in dreading it.
