The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've really been trying to grasp the "Let Go Let God" concept. For so long I have tried to control everything in my life, but I'm recognizing now that I cannot control anything beyond myself. My challenge this week has been my children. They're two and going through some changes at school and possibly feeling the stress at home with their Dad. Daddy is trying to get a new job and has thrown out all his marijuana parafinalia. He still drinks his beer, he got really wasted a couple of times last week. I am learning to just go on with the routine as usual. I was lonely though, because while he's drinking I'm either sleeping or at home with kids trying to have a good weekend. I feel like a single mom most of the time. As I'm sure alot of us do... That may be why I have been struggling with the kids and redirecting their behavior. I don't feel like I get much of a break from them, and when I do, it's maybe only a couple of hours. I've isolated myself from life for so long now, I don't have people to contact to do things with. It's like I'm starting all over again... I have really lost it anger wise this past weekend and this week with them. Employing anger management skills that I don't have is tricky. I did make an appointment with our couple's counselor to begin working on anger management and boundaries this month. I have also begun reading "Boundaries" again by Cloud and Townsend; because I realize that if I set my boundaries and made clear consequences and had been using them, I probably would not have allowed myself to fall victim to the a's behavior or isolate myself. I have become enmeshed in the a's life and allowed his problems to spill into my life and my dreams.
I attended a Violence training yesterday for work and listening to the counselors talk about their clients I realized I probably could be one of their clients. Yelling and screaming seems to be the only way to get yourself heard in my home. I try to talk in my normal speaking voice, but usually either the "a" takes something I have said the wrong way and begins getting defensive and yells and cusses, or the children are just ignoring me and only seem to respond to my yells to "stop"!! The hard part for me to swallow and grasp is that I know there is a better way, but my "a" is not understanding how his behavior affects me or the children either. I see it and want to change it. Can my kids learn how to cope with one parent trying to use good healthy communication skills and the other parent working off of pure emotion and reactions? (That's seems really confusing for a child to understand) I also have a problem communicating my boundaries and developing consequences that are not unrealistic or authoritarian. My "a" hates limits and boundaries, he wants to do whatever he wants all the time, and I'm the "nag or something else" for saying, sorry we dont have $ to do this, or I need some time to do this. He literally feels like I'm controlling his life when I voice my boundaries. So, I gave up with trying to stand up for my beliefs, I apologized to him when I was the one hurting, I agreed to something when I really did not want to. I have ignored my feelings for so long that I often have trouble identifying how I even feel.
However, I'm not going to just roll over and let him wipe his feet on me, I'm not going to become my father who used fear and intimidation to get my children to behave. Starting over for me means I will have to brave going to functions, enrichment classes, finding a hobby, on my own. If I want to explore life again, it's not going to be with my "a", he is not interested in what I like. I can't wait around for him to say, oh yeah I want to go to that natural herb seminar I do have a question about "A's" that use other substances like marijuana to "self medicate". Are there withdrawel symptoms when someone stops smoking it immediately? My "a" swears marijuana is not habit forming, but he has really been irritable, not feeling well, and seems depressed. I'm working on being compassionate with him, but it's hard because I really dont know how he must be feeling right now. Thank God I have this website and program to get me through this hurdle. Maybe I will begin to feel better about me again by venturing out there, and less focused on his problems.
Have a great day~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It's clear in your post that you are angry and frustrated with your situation. However, it's equally clear that you have a good grasp of the problem and are starting to move forward to resolve these issues by focusing on you--Good for you ! Getting out to take classes and make friends, going to a counselor to help you learn how to set boundaries, etc. all sounds like great steps in the right direction towards healing and feeling good about you, your kids, and your life. All of this will take take time, but remember "babysteps" and "progress not perfection".
One thing that helps me when I'm at the end of my rope, is to talk to God directly about my problems. Not asking for anything perse, but just a heart to heart about all of my frustrations, anxieties, etc.
The only thing I can share from experience about pot is what my daughter who was addicted to it shared with me. It started making her paranoid and that is one time she reached out to us and said she needed help. She withdrew from school and went into treatment. Pot is the drug of her choice. She stays away from it now. I am not sure if she went off it all at once or not. You could call and addiction center and seek out some information there. An drugaddict/alcoholic will believe what They want to so the information would be for you. They are the ones to save themsleves, we cannot save them. Big lesson I learned and shed many tears over. The courses you are taking for anger management sound great! With my friends who most of their kids are in their 20s now, they do take on the characteristics of both parents and they are also themselves. So know that you have a great influence with the twins on how you are and how they see you cope and act. Be the best you can be and the best example you can be :) The will follow. I use to put my face to theirs almost nose to nose and quietly say, behave or that is not appropriate. That sure got my kids atttention. When I taught too it worked great to use the lower, quiet voice. It is amazing how well that worked for me, especially when kids are use to yelling. Getting down at their level and looking in their eyes, maybe holding both their hands and saying what you mean in a soft low voice sure went a long way for me. Good luck and keep on educating yourself. I believe Knowledge is power. cdb :)
my a has used pot and quit many times. from my experience with him pot isnt addictive but more something they depend on. the only withdrawl i've seen was irritability for a little bit. but good things follow. like he shares his emotions more and doesnt do stupid things like putting the tv remote in the fridge. (not kidding) he stopped binging on food etc. he used to be a fullblown pot head then just one day gave it up. now he uses occasionally very little. its his choice. in my situation id rather have him smoking pot then doing any of the other things he does. drinking/coke. i too when i was younger smoked quite a bit of pot. then started getting panic attacks. so i instantly quit the stuff. i didnt know what was happening with me. i never had withdrawl or cravings. i just quit it. hope this helps.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I just wanted to say that I agree with blue cloud in that you are doing great in realizing that you need to change and taking the steps to get there. You sound very intelligent and strong. Take it a little easy on yourself, nobody's perfect. And dealing with an active person is not easy, especially with two little ones you are trying to raise in a healthy environment. So give yourself a big pat on the back!!
Also, when my husband stopped smoking pot, he was irritable for a while. Mostly from not being able to tune things out I think. But it passed but led to other things. But it may be from having to deal with reality???
A drug is a drug is a drug..... and addictions are addictions....
There are subtle differences, of course, but addictions all take the same course, and require the same treatment..... Most treatment centers are capable of treating alcohol, drugs (including marijauna), gambling, and even sex addictions.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can totally relate to you on the twin situation. I have twins that will be 4 in Jan, plus an 18 month old. (plus a 9 year old and a 19 year old!)
Anyway, there are days when I get so frustrated with the kids that I could literally cry. I mean they are non stop constant and somedays you just cannot get a break for even a second. Not even to go to the bathroom, as I'm sure you know. It really can get to you after a while. Plus having an A as a husband/father, I very often do feel like a single mom.
My kids aren't bad by any means, there's just 3 of them so close in age and all testing their independance at the same time. Being consistent is something I've never been good at. Neither have I been good at being structured. Both of those things are very important with young children and I know if I could only force myself to do both my days would be much better. Baby steps. Hang in there!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
As I'm sure alot of us do... That may be why I have been struggling with the kids and redirecting their behavior. I don't feel like I get much of a break from them, and when I do, it's maybe only a couple of hours. I've isolated myself from life for so long now, I don't have people to contact to do things with. It's like I'm starting all over again... I have really lost it anger wise this past weekend and this week with them. Employing anger management skills that I don't have is tricky. I did make an appointment with our couple's counselor to begin working on anger management and boundaries this month. I have also begun reading "Boundaries" again by Cloud and Townsend; because I realize that if I set my boundaries and made clear consequences and had been using them, I probably would not have allowed myself to fall victim to the a's behavior or isolate myself. I have become enmeshed in the a's life and allowed his problems to spill into my life and my dreams. 
I do have a question about "A's" that use other substances like marijuana to "self medicate". Are there withdrawel symptoms when someone stops smoking it immediately? My "a" swears marijuana is not habit forming, but he has really been irritable, not feeling well, and seems depressed. I'm working on being compassionate with him, but it's hard because I really dont know how he must be feeling right now. Thank God I have this website and program to get me through this hurdle. Maybe I will begin to feel better about me again by venturing out there, and less focused on his problems. 