"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Anne · Newbie

desperate

Lauren ashley · Senior Member

I understand your pain....

If you ever need to talk..I am more than willing to listen... my email is lovingmuhlife@adelphia.net...and if ya want I have sn's

One day at a time

Lauren~

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure that it's legally binding. I guess it couldn't hurt to submit it in a case if you had to later.

What I think is the real benefit of this contract is that it would stipulate your boundry.

It would state what behavior you are not willing to tolerate and it states what consequences will follow if that boundry is not respected. Both good elements of boundries I'm learning.

Of course you need to be willing to follow through on those consequences should the need arise. Lean not on the fact that the paper is legally binding but that it is a reflection what you choose in your life.

Bob

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Anne and welcome,

I have heard of relapse contracts, but never in a legal sense. I had always heard tehm mentioned in connection with couples therapy. The contract was a way of building trust back into a marriage after sobriety.

It had a lot to do with being honest about triggers and urges to drink. What would happen if the A fell off the wagon. At what point would they agree to go back into treatment. I think Bob is right, they are more about boundaries, not legalities.

I also think they are usually done once the A is well onto the road to recovery.

Maybe this isn't the kind of contract you are speaking of, but it is the only kind I have ever heard of.

Love Jeannie

browneyes · Senior Member

Hello Anne

First of all I'd like to welcome you to the MIP family. You have come to the right place it sounds like. All of us here are brought together by one common bond. We have all been affected by an alcoholic in our life. And i would like to give you a big hug ((((((((((Anne))))))))) and offer some support.

I know it is hard to get to meetings when you have little ones. I have dealt with that. I thankfully found a meeting that has a babysitter. But a lot of people here go to the online meetings they have here. If you go back to the main page it will show you how to get to the chat room and about the meeting times. And there is usually a live person chatting to help you if you need to talk or share.

But understand that you are not alone. If you are able to go back and read some of the postings you will see that. And there is a lot of help out there and here. the people here are kind and understanding and intelligent and they also understand that you sometimes can't or don't want to leave.

There are a lot of books to read and free literature about the Alanon way of doing things. How you can achieve serenity whether your A is drinking or not, just by working on yourself and taking care of your self first. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. Just hope you know that we are all here for you. I hope you can make a meeting soon.

Take care and keep posting!!!

Julie

bubbles1990 · Senior Member

Hey ((((((((((anne)))))))))) hang in there ! My prayers are with you!! Your not alone!!

Love always bubbles123

Evilynn · Member

Anne, I believe that you can do anything you put your mind to. You just have to believe it yourself. I know how it feels to think you are alone and the friends just stop listening and they all say the same thing "get rid of them." The only thing I can think when I hear that is that they are tired of hearing about it and yes,some of them even told me they are tired of hearing about it. Go to your therapist and keep coming here. I intend to come back here as well, I feel that I am finally doing something about it and that I am being looked after. I will listen and thank you for sharing...

Rebecca · Senior Member

hi anne, sometimes life throws you soo many curve balls its hard to juggle them all in the air at the same time. im 24 and my currently ex-boyf. is a drug addict and alcoholic. i never knew him when he was "using" and he was off everything for a year when i met him. we went out for a year and a half, had all these hopes and dreams...plans that i meant forever. then tragedy struck... his old friends came back on the scene...or rather.. the scumbags... and he hit the bottle a few weeks after he met up with them. he started swallowing sleeping tabs 10 at a time...anything to block out the pressure i his head sp he claimed. my whole world was turned upside down... i lost my best friend, my soul mate and my lover all in one go and i couldnt even speak. the pain in my heart was unreal...it still is... he is currently in rehab too.. for the 18th time in 5 years... he was soo perfect when we were together then BOOM!!... IT ENDED. HE HAD BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOT OVER 2 and HALF YEARS. the trust is completly gone anne, i have told him this over and over. but he still believes we wil get through it. i love him with all my heart and soul anne, but when the trust is gone...its gone. all he talks about is having a family with me and making me happy... i cant believe that anymore...i would be living in fear as to what condition he wud come home to me every evening.... i cant go throu my life like that... even though he is my whole world. its soooo hard to stay strong..... anytime u want to talk im here...... rebecca xxx

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you very much for bring up the subject. It was intersting to read it.

WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY.

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Anne)))))

How well I remember those feelings, wanting so desperately for him to be sober so that life would "be all better". I know a little differently now, it isn't all about them just getting sober. There is always Hope though. I hear the love you hold in your heart in your post. I was that way too. I needed to hear that message of hope, that others had made it thru, that their marriage had survived. I am 2 years in the program now, my husband still drinks but I can honestly tell you that our marriage is better than it ever was. What changed? Me. Thru this program I learned so much. I still have hopes that he will also get into his own program and find sobriety. Meanwhile though, I am working on my side of this family illness, and life is getting better. We have an AA/Al-Anon conference this weekend - my husband will be attending with me. Progress! There is always hope. Without Al-Anon, without what I have learned here, I don't know that I could have stayed in this marriage. Without Al-Anon, I also would have probably ended up in the same kind of relationship again. I needed to look at myself, to learn about myself. I like me again. I even like my husband again. LOL

Keep coming back ((((Anne)))). Listen and learn. You CAN find serenity, whether he is still drinking or not!

Luv, Kis

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne,

Welcome home! Here you will find great strength, wisdom, hope and the occasional silliness (which is good for your health).

I'm not a big fan of the contract. Legally I don't think it holds much weight. Using it as a boundary tool perhaps might not be a bad idea. However, the reality is that addicts relapse. Some do it only once, others after many years, others sadly never recover. I remember that a councelor once told me how fragile addicts are. They beat themselves up, especially when they are recovering. They feel like failures enough. If he relapses again, while hard on all concerned, why add to their misery? I know we are suppose to concentrate on our own recovery. I agree with that 150%. But I couldn't add to the misery they feel if it happens again. My A has relapsed, and he felt lousy about it to say the least. I personally wouldn't have the contract with my A. He does know that there can be no drinking in this house. Thankfully he is in a recovery program, and in assisted living.

I don't know what kind of program your A is in. But at least in this area, detox is different from rehab. You can dry someone out in detox. But if they don't get into a program and are given the tools neccessary to stay sober, then they're more than likely to go out and do it again.

The other thing is that he may not be ready for his recovery. As strange as that sounds, I'm convinced that my A while he wanted to get help, really wasn't ready for it. Remember the 3C's. A piece of paper is not going to stop your A from getting his fix. If they want it badly enough, they'll find a way.

If you can't get to any meetings in your area, try the on-line meetings. I really suggest that you pick up some literature too. You can read on-line from the Blue Book, the chapter on wives, and families. Also Lois Remembers is another excellent one.

Hang in there. There is always hope.

Live strong,
Karilynn

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

relapse is a part of having Alcoholism. It is like asking a diabetic not
to go into a low blood sugar attack.

We cannot control it, we are powerless over it, no contract no promise,
no nothing is going to stop it, or start it.

I understand your pain, but we can only change ourselves.

love,debilyn

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! You will find caring tender understanding people here. You have come to the right place. Be gentle with yourself and take care of you first. Read lots, post often.

Hugs Mary

Anne · Newbie

thank you to each and everyone of you that replied to my post. I have had the worst day. my A called and said the detox was awful and wanted to leave and said that was his choice he just wasnt welcome home until he fulfilled his time at detox.They are only asking 5 days from him but he had a cushy detox and rehab and now he is in county.

I plan to stay here and read all of your past post and gather strength from yours. Is it ok to mix al-anon with nar-anon? Dont get me wrong alcohol always leads to his problem but my A is a big pain pill taker and coke too daily.

I did purchase the book co-dependent no more and man did it hit home.

Thank you so much again, for I need each and everyone of you. My HP will restore me to feel sain again I have faith..............

Anne

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep, mixing Nar-Anon and Al-Anon is no problem whatsover.... Addictions are addictions are addictions....

Take care of you, the best that you can.... One book I would recommend would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... it was a lifesaver for me, emotionally speaking...

I wish you well - you sound strong and knowledgeable - all good stuff....

Take care

Tom

Rebecca · Senior Member

hey anne, just spoke to my "A" n the phone in detox... says he wants to come home too told him that wasn't an option. my heart breaks 24/7 anne... its soooo hard to deal with. im seeing him sunday.... but its terrible to see him in a place like that surrounded my total delinquents... he prob is one of them alot of my friends wud say. stay strong anne... i found a book very helpful too it's called "Women Who Love Too Much" deals with addictios and the stages we go throu emotionally... it hits home alrite!!! nite nite anne speak to u soon. xx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"