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I'm having another one of those mornings where I wake up and notice "things" that the kids have/haven't done again. The one thing that really got my goat was seeing the toilet in the girls' bathroom plugged up - someone didn't flush or when they did it got plugged and they didn't bother to use the plunger sitting there. One stupid little thing and my mind goes off into that mine field of all the "things" these kids still aren't doing. Argh. We've had family talks and discussed house rules, what is expected and so on. Everyone agreed the rules were fair. Then hubby goes off on the road again and it all backslides. Hmmm. I used to yell a lot at the kids, constant nagging at them to get their chores done. Made me upset, made them upset, made hubby upset.... my sponsor said to me, (and I can't remember the exact quote) "either leave it and say nothing, or pick it up and say nothing" So I've been trying to do that - it worked for a while, but I have to admit I'm still getting annoyed by it all.
I'm sitting here (having already talked with hubby on phone about it all, he decided when he gets home thursday we'll talk with kids again), and I started to ask myself, how can I use the program more with this? Obviously what we've done so far isn't working. Now here's the fun part. My program doesn't teach me how to change others. Ha! So now I'm having to sit here and look at myself. (Horrors! LOL) My first question to myself is: am I showing them by example how to keep things picked up? Hmmm...I look at my desk covered in piles of paperwork, I look at the corner in the room where I have those files and boxes I've been meaning to go thru, I look at the shelves laying there that I haven't put up yet. Hmmm... maybe I have something to work on myself, eh? How many times have I heard my kids say "yeah, I'll get to it mom".... now where can they be learning that from? haha. We tell the kids, if you see something laying around that needs picking up, just do it, help each other out. Wasn't I just complaining above about having to pick up after them? Oh my. Hmmm.
I have choices. I can look at myself, at what my part here is. I can ask myself - am I expecting more from them than I expect from myself? Yes, as a parent its my job to teach and guide and discipline them. Am I doing that by example also though? Do I apply the house rules/boundaries to myself?? Or am I way off balance here? Does my attitude need some adjusting? Truth to tell, I have noticed that when I get up and start cleaning, usually the kids do so also. Like last night I went into the boys bathroom and just started sweeping, tossed all the girls things that had ended up down there into a basket, asked son to take it upstairs... then shortly after I noticed the girls up in their bathroom picking that room up.
Maybe the problem is really laying mostly on my own doorstep. Hmmm.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I thought we already discussed the goat ((((kis))))! He's suppose to be in some pasture somewhere in total gluttony eating way too much grass and enjoying being free. lol But I do see by the end of your post that you let him back out in that big pasture to graze again.
Loved your share. I confess, I have a goat myself, occassionally I still try to lure him into the house and tie him to the couch. But, then he generally takes a crap there too, so I think about it a little more before I do that now...lol.
One day at a time, I say, especially when we are "cleaning up" our own mess, literally and figuratively. With my son, even at 4, I have certain things that I stick to my guns with and remain consistent, and I do those things as well, to be that example. But, I keep it simple, the list is not long, actually it is very very short. Why? I used to be Ms. Perfectionist, and every little stinkin' thing brought that goat in the house. A speck of something on the floor and I used to become unnerved. HOWEVER, I no longer feel the need to show myself or anyone else that I am "perfect." 'Cuz, HELLO, my big humbling realization, I'M NOT, nor will I ever be, so I can't expect that of myself or anyone else.
My office is piled with stuff I have to get to, but my priority is my HP, myself and my family. If I don't get to those piles for several months, I don't care, as long as the "simple stuff" is done that keeps things running. It seems since I changed my thinkin', the little things that used to annoy me, and "get my goat" just don't happen, and if it does, it is just a fleeting thought. Because in the big picture? I have a new day, I woke up this morning to love me and to love my son, and everyone else that I know and have yet to meet in HP's big plan. A clogged toilet? Yea, I have those too, and it reminds me, albeit not in the most 'warm fuzzy' way, that my son is here and still in my life to love and enjoy. And, the best part? The goat isn't the one that didn't flush it!....lol.
Oh my how I understand!!!! I unfortunately still raise my voice to my kids about picking up--after I've hit my breaking point, unfortunately I don't think I'm consistent enough--so they never know when that "breaking point" is going to be.
I am a very unorganized chaotic woman! I believe I have ADD because I can't seem to keep the slightest thing going consistently. I'm always jumping from one thing to another then I lose track of what I was doing in the first place. Then I wonder why my kids can't keep their things orderly and help me keep the house nice. LOL
I teach school--and I wonder why the kids in my classroom can't keep their desks neat, but half the time I can't even see the top of my desk. I can guantee you I'm the most unorganzied teacher there ever was.
I try to take deep breaths and calmly attack the situation.
My house is a shambles. Crap there is still eug on teh cieling in the kitchen that is years old. And your reaction to the mess seems the same as mine. I've been falling back on some old habits again. Satori's goat that craps on the carpet, lmao.
My main beef is not picking up after one's self. Is my desk a mess? Sure. I have one other small table of mess too. For the most part tho I try to keep my mess relatviely convined. What gets me is running out of bowls because there are in everyones room and about the house. Clothes are literally wherever anyone chose to undress. Sometimes there is a trail. It's like a breadcrumb trail to the culprit. lol.
I think the two things that got to me are 1) even before the drinking, my wife could not keep up. She was never one with as much stamina and drive as me and honetly, when your outnumbered during the day 3-1, who could keep up. 2) as my a began her decline, with alcohol and otherwise, I tried to keep up. If everyone did their part and just cleaned up after themselves, I could get done the things that I couldn't get to. Laundry, bills, my own mess.
My a commented one time that she couldn't go into the hospital again because everything would fall apart. Even my one daughter said, no way mom, dad runs a tight ship. lol
I refuse the pick up their mess. My a runs around picking up after them. I know what really rubs me the wrong way about it. Sure I want to teach them responsibility, but deep down inside what I fear most is................... they'll turn into my a ........ Oh my is that a phobia .........a kinda sick phobia in it's own way, understandable maybe, but unhealthy at best. My son won't poor his own glass of anything. What do I see? I see my a waking up and calling me at 12 AM asking me to pour her a drink when I'm trying to get bills done or enjoy my opportunity for quiet time. My daughter picks the most vile and hurtful thing to say to hurt you? I'm afraid that she'll end up lonely someday because honestly, I don't feel like sticking around with my a. My other daughter, always sick, whenever you ask her to do something. She went from being like me where she wouldn't take an aspirin unless she was dying to thinking a pill will fix everything. These things scare the living crap outta me.
And honetly, I'd done my share of yelling, screaming, cajoling, even putting down. I'm trying to work my program in my parenting as well.
My son and middle push each others buttons. When they are getting along, WOW do they share a good time. Today he wouldn't stop, and my daughter gets violent. I asked him, "do you like it when you have to watch other people in the house fight?" He said, "but I like it....that is what little brothers so when they love their sister." What a said comment that was. Sure there are tye stereotypical Disney, Nick and cartoon cliches of that relationship. But I couldn't help to think that this was his reality, and it's quite possibly the reality I've had a part in showing him.
It broke my heart.
I only hope that by changing I can set a new and better example.
Bob
PS - Satori, if the goat craps on my carpet, nobody would knos. Too many pets in my house and no responsibility. Heck my daughters friend told her the other day her floor smells like dog pee. :(
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I just shared at my f2f last night about how much I try to be perfect. If I am, then I can yell at everyone else for not being perfect... As I look at the sock trail up the stairs, the candy wrappers in the back seat of the car, the dirty dishes from saturday, the bills I have procrastinated, my roots coming out (better get those done, or people will know I am not blonde....lol)
LOL a goat crappin in the house. Well I think I may have the city version of a crapping goat. LOL.
Kis, thank you for your share. I think now i need to look at myself to see what I need to change. Good way of looking at it, how can we change that can lead by example. Great way to use the alanon tools.
LOL, now if only we can get this program to teach us how to change others. Opps, oh yeah that is some other program. Not his one.
Loved the messages all.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
of course I don't feel like looking in the mirror. It might crack. I just felling saying, shudup and pick that goat crap. LOL But I do take a peek. One of these times I'll have the guts to look longer.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Lemme give ya some good news! After all my yelling, cajoling, doin for and then just leaving it, threatening, etc. , even thinking that they'd be hopeless filthy people all their lives, ! I now have 2 kids, ages 24 and 28 who are 2 of the biggest neat freaks you've ever seen!!!!!!! It DID rub off!!!! My boy especially is and his first wife wasn't, but Mom had taught him to clean the bathroom , mop the floor, wash the dishes, with him gripping all the way, " why do I havta know all this stuff?" While he was alone,between marriages , he had one clean bachlor pad! My daughter's two kids keep her house pretty cluttered with toys, but she's a clean person, so I tell her she'll have plenty of time to keep it clean and clutter-free when they're grown and gone, she used to leave ALL of her clothes in the floor! I'd step on them when taking something into her room! I finally told her how to do her own clothes and left them till she didn't have any to wear! She washed them! Then hung them up! Now does washing for her cousin to make extra money! So, it seems that there is hope for them, maybe not while they're in yall's home, but there is hope! Now I'm the lazy clutterbug! Wish I had someone here to do for!
My boy turned out to be a police officer. And my daughter has been married for 9 yrs and is going to college in the spring. So even with all the mistakes I made, they turned out all right.
Just thought I'd give you guys with younger children some TLC! and hope!
We have a whole lot of people living here, so if things get too bad it would become chaos.
I admitt I am a neat freak, but I have gotten a lot better, with the help of Alanon and my kids.
Everyone here has chores now. I used to try and do it all alone and it drove me literaly insane, and I was driving them all nuts.
The bigger kids all have to do their own laundry. They are welcomed to throw something in with what I am doing, if I am doing a load for us or the little guys. But if they don't do it themselves, it doesn't get done.
They have to help with the dishes, help with the cooking, they now help in the yard and with the pool. They are all responsible for their own rooms, but if they want to have friends over, the rooms had better not look like something blew up in them. They dust their own rooms as well. I got mad at them once, I went into my girls room, and saw they had written their names in dust on the TV stand. I told them if they had time to write their names, they had time to wipe it down. I shut the door now if it is not to my liking in their rooms, but they know if it gets to bad, I will clean it, but I do it with several large trash bags, everything goes. So they are now pretty good.
I tell them that they want me to go places with them, and do things for them, then I need help, and they are part of this family so it is expected. Even the little guys have to pick up their toys, and carry out light trash bags.
Life is a lot smoother and Mom is not as stressed when everyone pitches in. None of us are perfect, and they are kids, so I do have to remind them, sometimes often, but they take pride in the fact that they do help. I just remind them that this is a family, and in a family everyone has to do their share.
They remember too well the days of me being tired, cranky and overwhelmed, they like it better this way, probably even more than I do. I don't scream at them anymore.
Aron