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I am new to this board and I started Al-Anon and therapy after I realized that my life has hit a physical and mental low dealing with a binge drinking alcoholic family member all of my life. Everytime he's not in a drinking phase everything seems fine and I keep feeling that I don't need to go to Al-anon but then when he has a binge or a dry drunk moment, everything turns upside down once again in my world. Any advice from people dealing with this same issue? I feel that I am always tricked by the good times when the binge drinker is not on a binge (these moments can last months before everything turns upside down again).
Hi, I am new also. I have not went to a meeting yet as I also feel the same way. I'm not sure if my husband is an alcoholic he doesn't drink everyday. He does drink enough for it to be a problem. I hope to get some answers/help also.
-- Edited by LT1975 on Monday 16th of January 2012 12:38:45 PM
This is SarahColorado with a new name because I accidently erased my profile and can't get back in.
I had that same problem and it is very deceiving at times when they are dry. I find going to a therapist helps explain the binge drinker and that's also why I'm here because I've been to Al-Anon which helps, but it seems like I am the only one I know with a binge drinker in my life.
I'm curious how others handle it. Because I'm still struggling even though I'm starting to understand it.
If anything, you might want to get help yourself to understand it even if your husband won't...It did start me on the journey to recovery.
Thanks for the advice. I have been thinking of seeing a therapist for awhile now. I even tried to get husband to go with me to marriage counseling. I made the appointment. We get there and he's like this isn't for me can we cancel. So I told them and thankfully wasn't charged for it. My husband thinks everything is ok and doesn't see us or him as having problems.
So do you think Al-Anon has helped you any? There is a meeting close by tomorrow night that I am thinking about attending.
I know with the with my husband he can go up to a week without drinking. When he does drink he can't just have a few. The days he's not drinking can be good or bad. Sometimes he attempts to go longer to prove to me he doesn't have a problem but he usually doesn't and blames me or some stressful problem at work for his not going longer.
He is also a mean drunk, he can say some nasty things. I read somewhere that, "A drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts". I hope thats not true but sometimes I really think he does think what he says.
Something I have discovered is if some ones drinking is a issue to me then it's important for me to address my issues. The other thing is I can go back and trace that my issues have not begun with my current situation. I can't fix my brokeness with my own broken coping tools. As far as someone else and a drinking issue I'm learning to focus on what happens when the drinking happens. Arrests, duis, public intoxication, inappropriate behavior, lost jobs, things that in my world are not normal and directly related to the time of drinking. It's not up to me to classify an alcoholic or not. I can certainly see and trust what I am seeing to guide me in a reasonable insight into my own situation. I encourage two books, the delima of an alcoholic marriage and getting them sober. Plus please invest the time and effort that you are putting into the drinking issue and put that into yourselves. we all deserve that kind of care for ourselves. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Well the only thing I can change is me!! That's where I an putting my focus. Keep coming back hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi all who have posted here. My AH of 29 years is a binge drinker. He has done this for many years. He rarely drank at home, unless we entertained at home. His binges usually were after work, or when he got together with friends who drank excessively with him. In the past year, his binges went from about every 1-2 months, to every 2 weeks or so and started getting more frequent, and more severe. I knew things had reached a breaking point for me when I found myself going to pick him up because I got a call that he had passed out at the bar where he worked. Our finances started to suffer, we were in danger of losing our home, his health started to fail (he was diagnosed with diabetes, but refused to take the prescribed oral medications because you can't take them and drink alcohol), and ultimately he lost his business. He can go for weeks without drinking, but when he binges, he loses all sense of self-control.
Al-Anon is for friends and family who are affected by a problem drinker. I knew that my AH's drinking was turning me into a person that I did not want to be. I became increasingly suspicious, untrusting, full of worry, and depressed. I couldn't deal with the situation anymore by myself, as few are. I strongly encourage you to attend at least six Al-Anon meetings before seeing if Al-Anon is right for you. I joined Al-Anon three years ago and I have been so much better for it. I now have hope and peace in my life. This can happen for you too, whether the alcoholic in your life continues to drink and be in your life, or not. As has been posted on this board many times: He or she is going to drink- what are YOU going to do?
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 16th of January 2012 03:17:34 PM
Hello and welcome! I am also married to a binge drinker. When he wasnt drinking, things were usually good, but the time BETWEEN binges became less and less. We'd reach a compromise,he'd keep his promises for a while, break the promise, we'd have a huge fight, make another compromise, and get on the roller coaster again. Because he didn't drink all the time, because he was so good to me when he wasn't drinking, because he didn't fit the mold of the 'typical' alcoholic, this went on for years, until not only did I begin to really hate HIM, I started hating myself. I was at an all-time low spiritually, emptionally, and physically. That's when I began attending al-anon, posting/reading here, and reading everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism (Marriage on the Rocks by Janet Woititz is my personal favorite). For a long time, I was hung up on whether or not he was an alcoholic. I still don't know for sure that he is,but what I DO know is that his drinking is a problem for me, therefore it IS a problem. Al-anon has taught me how to make choices and decisions that are healthy for me and my kids, and how to find a measure of peace regardless of the choices my AH makes. When I first started, I was really kind of put off at the whole concept of 'changing myself'. I wasn't the one with a problem, HE was. Until HE changed, nothing would get better, right? Wrong!! He has changed, but I've changed, too. I am more at peace with myself than I've ever been, and that peace no longer depends on the choices he makes. I'm sorry you find yourself in the situation you're in, but I'm so glad you found us. MIP has been a life-saver for me in some of my darkest hours, and I've learned so much from all the folks here. I hope the same is true for you. Please try to get to a meeting if there are any available. And please take care of YOU!
Hugs from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
It really dosent matter how often he drinks or how much , what matters is what it does to you when he does . Keep going to meetings they are about you for you , they are not about him .. Our lives have been affected by someone elses drinking and we too need to recover , most of us are angry and confused we need to be able to talk these feelings out with others who understand and can share thier recovery with you . Next meeting you go to listen to the similarities not the differences we are all unique in a way ,we come from all diff walks of life but our feelings are the same not our situations .. Louise
My ex husband was a binge drinker. I know what that is like. I tried for years to get him to see that his drinking was a problem - he had many run-ins with the law, multiple traffic tickets, financial problems, etc. He just would not understand that all those things were caused by his drinking.
Eventually, I realized that I had allowed his problems to overtake my life. My life was all about keeping him out of trouble prospectively or about picking up the pieces once he'd messed up. All my thoughts were about him and what he was doing. I was completely obsessed. When someone asked how I was or how I felt, I'd immediately start talking about him - if he was having a period where he drank less, I felt better. If he was drinking and making trouble, I felt sad or depressed. My every emotion and every decision hinged on HIM and what HE was doing. I had nothing left of myself.
The thing is, we don't have to live the crazy life anymore just because someone else is. We can't make anyone else change ... if another person isn't bothered enough by their own behavior to get help or make changes, we can't make them see the light. However, we can decide that we are bothered enough by the effect someone else's drinking has had on our own lives to make changes for ourselves. We don't have to live at someone else's mercy anymore. We can take our power back and start to actually LIVE, not just react.
I encourage you to find meetings for yourself. If you are bothered by someone else's drinking, it doesn't matter whether or not that person will admit or classify him or herself as an alcoholic. That's not a criteria for your recovery. Take your power back - you don't have to live that life of isolation and uncertainty anymore, even if your family member still chooses to do so.
This is my life as well..and i saw on one of the posts or replies the problem of our feelings being a reflection of wherever the drinker is with the addiction...I do not want to live like that anymore!! stay strong
Thank you for this post from '12, which I feel I could have written myself. In fact some of the things you wrote I have found myself thinking over the years word-for-word. I am a few days short of my 1 year anniversary with Al-Anon, a program that has given me Hope for a better way of living my life. After periodically wondering for the past 15 years if my binge-drinking husband was in fact an 'alcoholic,' last year June 18 I came to not care about whether he fit any sort of definition of alcoholism. He walked in the house smashed at 6 pm on a weekday (I thought he was at work), stumbling and slurring drunk, and told my 7 year old daughter to get in the car, that he was taking her to get something to eat. At that moment I realized that he crossed a line that I never believed he would. He was going to endanger my daughter's life. And for the first time I wasn't angry and irate. Instead I felt true terror. I walked out of the house and took the car and found where I could attend an Al-Anon meeting the next day. I cried all through it. I couldn't believe I was there. Now he has not been drinking for about 3 months, I think to placate me and not leave him, but does not agree that he is an alcoholic. He refuses to go to AA. He seems happier and he is more talkative and involved, however I can't help but worry that we are living in the proverbial 'pink cloud' and that the s--- is going to hit the fan at any moment. This is where Al-Anon comes in and keeps me sane ... somewhat :) Again thank you for taking the time to post. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone.
Welcome to MIP MelO!!! Great name BTW! So glad you found us and glad that you shared. It warms my heart that you are finding hope in your recovery. You are not alone and we are family here so please keep coming back and join us!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
