The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, another day without the A. Another promise broken. When he stopped over the other night to get his linens he mentioned calling the landscaper to do the fall cleanup. I said why don't you just come and help me do it, this way you don't have to pay the landscaper, I would appreciate your sweat more than you paying the landscaper. He said fine, can you do it Sunday because I'm working Sat. I said I was borrowing my father's leaf blower. OK. Here it is Sunday. Not a call. Nothing. My 62 year old father with a back that is bothering him came over to help me. I want to call him and yell at him and start an argument so bad! I want to say "see, you never keep your promises".....but I won't. I will go outside and finish bagging up the leaves my father helped me with and know that I don't needhim to help me. I can do it by myself and those that love me will help. The more he pulls things like this, the more I realize making the appt with the attorney may just be the right thing to do.
This kind of thing happens to me often, but ya know what? When my mission is accomplished without him I stand back and think "I am enough".
I've come to not see what my A says as a lie. When he says he will do something, he means it. But what happens between him saying it and doing it is his body screaming for a drink.
I have managed to lower my expectations, I assume that I may be doing everything alone. If he reports for duty, that's great. If not, "I am enough".
Hang in there, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
oh Kim, that is hurtful for you. If you can look back on the day he mentioned calling the landscaper, can you think of how you can avoid being disappointed again in a similar situation? What was your motivation when you suggested he show up for a day of sweating togetherness? Of course he would accept the offer not to pay knowing you had set aside the day and arranged getting the tools. Making it easy for him. Do you and he have an agreement whose responsibility house maintenance is? If it's his, let him do it. Anyway, I encourage you to explore ways not to let his behavior bring you down. (I am encouraging myself the same thing, of course). So does your yard look great? Let yourself enjoy the fruit of a job well done. You'll be OK. take care --Jill
Well the yard is (mostly) done. I of course gave in and called him. He said it was a misunderstanding and that he didn't "know" that I had arranged to have the blower today. Still no offer to come and help me. Finally, after I stated that even though he is focusing on "himself" these days, as long as we are still married although living apart (as he is living in a sober house a mile away) I still expect him to take care of some things. He said he was coming over. It was already too late. After a while I realized that although Ididn't need his help, it would help me if he came and bagged the leaves in the front (I had already bagged 15 bags) so that I could blow out the back yard before nightfall. He did come but to me the damage is already done. What can I expect of this? I am not married it seems in every sense of the word, except for on paper. I know that for our marriage to work he has to get this part, but it is so hard being stuck in neutral. He said I have to treat this time as if he is in rehab. This is just so hard and I don't know what I can expect of him. All I have ever expected has been disappointment. I don't want to feel that anymore. This really sucks.
I agree with Jill - sometimes we set ourselves up for disappointment. Those little nudges that we hope will make people behave the way we want them to, and when they don't, well....
I try to remember "expectations are premeditated resentments". Expecting an alcoholic to be reliable is like expecting the sun to shine three weeks from now, on Wednesday - it may happen, it may not, but my expectations don't have anything to do with it. It's not an ideal situation, but it is what IS.
