The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well my A went snowmobiling today, called around 3:30 to tell me, they were okay and they might have to stay up in the mountains as it was snowing so badly. Then he called around 8:30 was back in town and would be headed home soon. Now his phone is turned off....is it starting all over again? I am trying to stay sane, it's not mine, I know the three C's. I nned to relax and get sleep, take care of me, relax....I think I am posting for my own sainity.....he does this not when he's just drinking but when he is using cocaine....we have been doing so good, since he came home the 16th of November. I know I can go through all this again, I am questioning whether I want to or not....he was so excited on the phone of all the fun he had, I was so looking forward to him coming home and sharing all this with me.....okay I am going to lay down, turn up the electric blanket and try to sleep....it is better then laying here wondering.....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Mary ask Hp to take care of your husband. Surrender your negative thoughts and ask Hp to grant you restful sleep. Tomorrow is another day. The sun will come up - your inner strength will return. Luv Leo xx
My recovering NA sat me down and said, "I don't know how to come out with this, or how to say it, and I don't want to piss you off." I said, "M_____, if you were going to "see pissed off," don't you think you would have seen it by now with what has already transpired?" (I am referring here to my ability to now speak lovingly with someone no matter what is said or done to me - HUGE recovery accomplishment for me that has occurred with time over the years.) He laughed and said, "Yea, you're right."
So he continues to tell me that he feels like he's getting these looks from that make him think that I think he is using. I had to laugh inside myself at that moment. Because no, that's been the furthest thing from my mind at any time except once. I shared with him that "Yes" I thought that the first time he went into the bathroom and stayed a really long time in there. It was right after everything had happened. But that "No" since then I haven't given it a second thought. Why? I told him that it is easy to let our thoughts get away from us and multiply, and because of that see and feel things that really don't exist, I call it obsessing. I used to have real problem with that but now when I catch myself doing it, like the time you went into the bathroom, I turn it over to God and just that quickly. I can't worry and obsess about whether or not you are using. And, this is another one of those things that would be great to bring up with one of the guys or a meeting. Believe me, they'll understand, and have some suggestions about how to think differently when it does happen. "Yea," he says. "It does start and I have hard time stopping it." "Well," I said, "That's why my own recovery is so important to me, why I work the Steps. It has allowed me to grow to a point that I can let go and let God in those situations."
And Mary, I can say from my own experience as I know you can speak from your own in these situations too, the program works if you keep at it...and keep that continual minute-to-minute faith going. Because you can reach a point where it is just a fleeting thought and dismiss it just that quickly. I also find it equally interesting, as I am sure you do to, that when someone is new to recovery, they can have the same kind of "obsessing" thoughts on the flip side of the fence, so to speak, that we do when they are using. Just interesting.
I feel what you are going through...I truly do. (((Many hugs))) And hope that you did get that sleep you wanted for yourself...
If it is starting again, there is nothing you can do by worrying. (I know that doesn't make the worry, or the sick feeling of doubt go away). Concentrate on you, pray to HP to keep him safe and get some rest. Tomorrow, I think I mean today is another day. Start fresh.
It is so hard to not feel let down when this happens. Especially when we are not sure what "this" is. I know from the past that there have been times when my "A" seemed to be up to no good, but he was actually not.
One time he and I got into a fight and he went for a walk. Hours later I tried to call him, his phone was off. SO immediately I knew what he was doing. I think an hour later I got a call from his sponsor's phone. I answered it. It was my "A". He was at his sponosor's house out in the middle of no where. He didn't get reception on his phone, I knew this from being out there myself and not having reception on my phone and we had the same carrier. It was all a misunderstanding.
I know that a misunderstanding isn't always the case.
((((((((((((((Mary)))))))))))).
I hope today is better for you. And then insanity calms down.
Remember we are here for you.
PM me if you need to. I use a free aol cd so I am online again for now! Even though I hate aol.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
