The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my A. took me out to a very nice dinner at the Olive Garden. We actually talked and shared some laughs. It has been what I have longed for for so long.
He seemed so different. The man I remembered. Quite the difference from last weekend when he got drunk and made an ass out of him and embarassed me.
I enjoyed the moment for what it was. We came home and had a nice intimate evening.
I woke up this morning still believing that my telling him that we can't live together while he goes into treatment and for awhile afterwards is the best thing for us. I don't throw it in his face, haven't talked about it. I know he is trying but this is the cycle. The high following the low. That "honeymoon" stage.
Tonight I was invited to go to a wild game feed w/some friends. I will be going alone. I don't want him w/me after last weekend. I don't want to change my behavior (having a social life) to throw myself 110% back into a relationship that I am leary of right at the moment.
Sometimes I feel like it is all or nothing w/this marriage. I get so confused and frustrated.
Today I pray for the strength to not ignore the problem in our home, the strength to stick to my boundaries and continue to work my program.
It is a scarey thing, their cycles. Last night we had an enjoyable evening, they are my little miracles. My A and I had a short seperation last month we are now back together and yes I also reconginze that "honeymoon" period. Now on the 19th of November is the big Apple Cup, college football game. We are both sport lovers. In the 9 years we have been together we have always gathered with his friends then I tried a couple years ago having a game gathering at home, this year however we are back to gathering with his friends. I am a little anxious, I know this is the one game he waits for all year, his team always the underdog. It's the gathering of his friends and where we gather. Last year I chose to watch the Superbowl alone, that was my boundary, but I want to be with him for this game, so I will slowly prepare. We do seperate things, as you are planning, there are times where I don't want to be in the middle of the vicious cycle, the brunt of his jokes, etc. So go enjoy yourself, I have times where I do the same, somehow those bounaries are so helpful not to mention healthy. Today my A is with his friend, they are going snowmobiling, I am cleaning house and hosting a candle party. I am glad we have gotten to where we can each have our own things, where before it was him doing his thing and me doing nothing but freaking out about where he was, how much he was drinking, questioning his drug use. Alanon has given me the freedom, (most days) to concentrate on me and my needs. Have a great time!
Fear is a lack of faith in God/HP. I remember being in your shoes too many times. I came to realize that I never loved any of the A's because I didn't love myself. How could I possibly love myself if I was allowing someone to treat me poorly? I really did not like myself at all. I see so differently today. This all goes back to being raised by people who did not love themselves.
Yes, I am gonna go tonight. I am sure he will be disappointed, but I am not going to change or 'give in' because of him.
We live way out in the country..very far removed from people. For me to go into town to visit w/friends is about a 45 minute drive for me. I still go in and see people (they are my Program family) but lately I have been getting to know people in my small community and I LOVE IT. I feel part of something. It is a small town where people help each other. They get together and socialize...their kids play together. It reminds me of "days gone by" when people would share food, get together to cut wood, share what they have and support each other. I feel part of something big and it feels so good to want to be included and have my company enjoyed.
I feel like my world is opening up some and I am growing. Sometimes it feels though that I am growing in a different direction than my A. Which honestly is probably the truth.
One of my character defects is that I tend to isolate myself..and given where I live, it is easy to do. I am working on not doing that. Not wallowing in self pity and not only work my Program dilegently but also enjoy life.
So, yes, I am going to go tonight whether or not he likes it. I am taking care of myself! :O)
That is wonderful to hear!!! I use a visualization technique of building a wall around myself when people tell me what to do. They are telling you things to suit their needs, not yours. Live for you!! My friend told me one day, "Lisa, you will wake up one day and hate yourself for not doing what makes YOU happy". That was enough to move me in the right direction, out of bed!! Listen to your inner voice! The A may walk out of your life, but that will make room for someone who will love and cherish you!
I had a GREAT time last night! OMG...my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. It was great to get out w/friends and just "be". Too many times I had forgotten to have fun and enjoy life. No more.
