The last two days have been a true test to my program.

I am sure many of you have heard me brag that I have found a great place of serenity, even though my husband is still drinking/using. 

That peaceful place has been challenged very hard the last two days.

I try very hard to remember that I am not in control, and many of the actions that get my goat are the disease attacking ME through my husband.

He had to work late Sunday, then chose to work late Monday and Tuesday.  Monday and Tuesday were with his only friend outside of his day job.  They always get high and drunk to work with wood working tools.  I prayed for the patience to let it go, "just for today", using the justification from the bookmark "Just for today I will do something that would appaul me to do for the rest of my life."  Meaning, letting him go...

Tuesday night he turned off the cell.  He doesn't usually do that.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for his safety, and my sanity.  Then he came home at 1:00 am drunk and stoned with his buddy.  ( I don't really mind his buddy, I just hate who my husband becomes when they are together too much).  He comes into the bedroom to announce that his friend is going to be spending the night on the couch.

Now this is the first time my husband has ever done anything like this.  I figure it is his house too, so I need to look at it clearly; he is not going to hurt my children, if he stays, he will not be drinking and driving, and we will be up early, he will be out when we are.  So, I agreed.  What else could I do?  I am not upset about that...I don't think?

But my husband went downstairs and BS'd with him for 1/2 hr before I couldn't stand it any more, and called him up to bed.  I tried hard to let him go, and let him do his own thing, but I haven't seen him except for mornings in three days!  I miss him.

So he comes up to bed, but hops in the shower first.  I check on him, and find him.... well, to keep the site clean.... you get what I mean.

I am disgusted. 

So Yesterday morning i explain my feelings on the way to work.  I tell him that I like to feel that I am the most important, and I am feeling excluded.  He says that if he doesn't "do it himself", he doesn't get "it".  I explain that I am not comfortable having sex with a drunk/high man... Catch 22.

So after some discussion, we both feel better.  I tried not to attack the man, but to identify what I am feeling as a result of his disease.  I tell him that I get upset because if I don't nag him and back away while he makes his own choices, I get left out.  But if I nag him so that I am not left out, then I get met with resentment and animosity...

WHen I dropped him off at work, I felt much better.  I had expressed myself, without laying blame or judgement, or accusing, he said sorry, we both said "I love you" etc...

Yesterday we went to Pool League, which I don't mind going to.  We flirted like two kids.  He was very kissy and touchy, grabbing my butt and stuff, I loved it.  But when we got home, I suggested "going to bed", but he had already "cracked" a beer.  He asked me to sit on the couch with him while he drank it, and we could go together, but I didn't want to watch him drink the beer, and don't want to set up the situation where the beer wins.  I wanted to be in bed, he didn't.  I went up and read till I fell asleep (actually, a new S.E. Hinton book that is turning out to be AWESOME!!)

So this morning, I expressed my frustration again.  He says he would have come up, but I won't let him smoke or drink beer in the bedroom (and I won't budge on that either).  I told him that I feel sad and alone, and almost embarassed that I went along with the flirting, only to be replaced by the beer.

I am usually a strong woman, with a solid understanding of where the husband ends, and the addiction starts, but I am wavering.  I am not really angry with my husband, just sad for myself. 

If you have gotten this far through my posting, thanks.  I needed to vent.  I tend to hold things in, and often feel that they aren't troublesome enough to make the message board. But today I just need to give it to my friends in this room.

Please pray for my patience, and the clarity to explain exactly what I am feeling to my husband.  Please pray that I will find a strategy to spend some sober intimate time with my husband in the next few days.  I know that if I explain it to my husband, he totally gets on board, but i have to do the planning. 

I have accepted this as my role, but the disease is sneaking back into my brain, and clouding my clarity.  Blocking my desire to take care of me first.  The stupid disease is getting my goat again.  Pray for me to get a stupid rope to tie that goat up!!!

Thanks for listening my friends, and thanks in advance for your prayers.

Aron in the Chinook Mountains