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I really think that I will not be able to continue to live like this (with an active A) for the long term. I have a good job, have family close by for support, and I could do it on my own if I finally make that decision. I think the biggest thing concerning me right now is what happens with the kids. My A already has shown that he will be drunk when he is supposed to be responsible for them, has driven with them drunk a few times, and had a really nasty episode of verbal abuse toward our preschooler. I'm at the point now where I don't leave them alone with him if I can't be sure he's sober - if I have a work thing that keeps me from getting home when he does I arrange for his sister to come over so at least I know there is a sober adult with the kids. (All 3 are under age 5). So, I'm very worried if I leave that I'll lose that ability to protect them because he'll share custody for some of the time and I won't be able to ensure that he's sober while they're with him. Does anyone else have the same issues? How have you handled them?
Likely depends on your state or place of residence... Many times, primary custody is granted to the parent deemed capable of providing the most stability for the children. You may have to "prove" that he is unfit to have unsupervised time with them, but it can happen... In my case, it was my wife who was the drinking & active A, and I had a helluva time in BC... According to my (female) lawyer, our courts are still pretty biased "for the mother", under most circumstances... We now share our kids 50/50 (one week on, one week off), which works for all of us, as the kids need both of their parents in their lives, and my ex is now 3+ years sober.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My binge A is active and we are separated. As I have said before he is welcome in my home as long as he is sober. At the time that he got his own house we had an agreement drawn up to protect the children - to the effect that he did not have care or responsibility of them when drinking - which he agreed to. He only wants the best for them as I do, could you speak to your A when the time comes and when he is sober - to make a similar type of agreement?
I agree with the two previous posts. It really depends on your family court system. File for primary custody and present your case. If you have legal representation it will help, if you represent yourself be as specific as you can. Present to the judge or whomever your concerns for your kids safety. I agree that allowing Dad to care for kids right now alone is not a good idea, especially because of their age. I have worked in child welfare and family law for eight years. Any judge that awards joint custody at this time is crazy and should be appealed. Typically the judge awards primary custody to the most appropriate parent. I would request supervised visitation for your "a" if he's actively drinking right now. If it can't be you, choose someone else you can trust to supervise and be objective. I have toddlers as well and if I choose to leave their Dad, I will probably follow the same plan. It's hard being the "bad guy", but its either that or potentially one of the kids gets hurt and then other consequences follow. Some cities have legal aid programs with attorneys that handle custody cases pro-bono. If there are no programs through your local Bar Association look into services that may provide funding for an attorney. Family court systems sometimes offer court appointed. Their not always the best lawyers, but their good for picking their brains and getting advise.
If you have a HP, HP will lead you to the right people. Good Luck
Shaun
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
As others have said, a lot depends on teh State you live in (or Country). The main reason my husband and I seperated is that he is a danger to the kids. His drinking and driving is a major factor, and he insists he has not been drinking, to cover it up, and as he believes he is a better driver drunk than most others are sober, he has no problem trying to put my children in the car with him.
He is staying with his parents, but his Mother covers for his drinking even more than he does himself, she also has no problem putting him in the car with him when he cannot even walk, let alone drive. For this reason, I allow no contact with him when he is drinking, and he is never left with the children. When he can see them, it is here in our house only, and that is seldome.
My husband is afraid of the legal system. His Mother tells him, it will go in favor of him, but he has had too many DUI convictions to want to risk it. I do use that to my advantage. I tell him, fine if you don't want to do it this way, we will speak to a judge. He usually backs down.
When the time comes, that we have to see a judge, I have a calendar, with incidents, dates and people present. Police reports, as well as the kids counselors who have said they are willing to testify. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure he is only allowed supervised visitation, and I will testify that his parents are too old and can not be trusted because of things thay have done to supervise. I hope this will cause the court to appoint a supervisor, if the time comes.
No easy answer to your question is there. Yes the safety of the children is one of the main reasons I am still married to my a....the old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" comes to mind. I know that if we separated now, him being a "functional alcoholic" i.e. no DUI's, police record, etc, I would have no grounds to insist upon supervised visition. Not exactly the best of situations staying with my a, but I feel this is where we are actually safest, for now. Tough pill to swallow. Sorry I wasn't much help.
