The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have powerful desires to belong and to connect with a special someone. We inherited a model for marriage and relationships that has remained largely unchanged for over 50 years. That traditional model was never intended to integrate our individual needs with the needs of the partnership. The traditional way promised physical and financial security, a sense of belonging, continuity and comfort. The old model has been deeply ingrained in all of us by watching our parents and grandparents.
The old rules don’t work anymore! We cannot continue to depend on traditional, deeply ingrained beliefs, expectations and assumptions about relationships. We need to stop building the most important relationships of our lives on outdated beliefs, destructive myths, unrealistic expectations, faulty assumptions and un-negotiated roles and responsibilities.
Modern partners are concerned with:
Living their vision
Love of self
Deepening emotional intimacy
Having shared values
Commitment to living in authenticity
Willingness to honor the fires of passion that burn inside
Couples are demanding more intimacy and insisting on supporting each other to live their best “individual” life. At the same time, contemporary partners are committed to co-creating deeply meaningful relationships that provide:
Safe havens to be one’s most vulnerable self
Open to the most sacred feelings shared with another
Connections defined by joy and the hopes of a future that will be a lasting testament of their love and commitment.
A big challenge for partners today in committing to another person is the potential loss of personal identity and giving up personal hopes and dreams. Those losses would have been a virtual certainty in the old model of marriage and relationships.
Not so today! Contemporary men and women are ready to honor their individual needs and create partnerships that honor their deeper selves; create committed, functional relationships that deepen their emotional intimacy, trust, love, and connection; and develop skills, rituals, and practices for deepening emotional, physical and spiritual connection with each other!
Only you can make it happen!
######ROSIE.....for me, being vulnerable would be scary for me....i mean i dont' know how many more times i can *bounce back* from severe pain, getting hurt like that scares me, but i will keep working on my relationship with me...trust in my hp that i won't even have anyone until we are both ready for each other......and that i have enough recovery under my belt that i can 1--discern the keepers from the non keepers.....2---i am strong enough in me that even if it doesn't work out, i am ok.....3---of course NEVER give up my program, no matter HOW much fun we are having!!!!!! this is my life jacket in the sea of life!!! without it i drown!!!!.....
-- Edited by rosie light shines at 19:48, 2005-11-09
I have to say that I agree to disagree with this author's viewpoint on the contemporary relationship...if that is what we are striving for these days in lieu of the "old standard" then why has the divorce rate not changed or gotten any better? My theory is simply, our society has changed to accomodate the individual life achievements of both men and women, what we left behind in the "old standard" and continue to discard in our own "In God we Trust" slogan is the "God first" mentality. Society, as a whole, believes and practices that far less than our previous generations. They were a "God fearing" people as history as shown. And I suppose there is something to be said for that when I look at society today and it seems to be "God nearing" instead of "God there" overall.
Without a strong day-to-day spiritual foundation with an HP, a relationship/marriage merely becomes two people that can talk to each other, work toward their hopes and dreams as individuals, can perceive a spiritual connections based on similar values and beliefs, but without really putting God first, they will last as long as their own self-will's and personal achievements propel them together. This author says, "A big challenge for partners today in committing to another person is the potential loss of personal identity and giving up personal hopes and dreams" Well, you know, if our HP was first on the mind's of both people, should making a committment to a person that we deeply love be a "big challenge?" No. Should we fear a "potential loss of identity or giving up hopes and dreams?" No, not if we really trust our HP and His will for ourselves and our partner. If that is the biggest challenge for partners today is it any wonder that nearly all end in divorce.
For those of us that put our trust in a HP first and keep that strong foundation for ourselves and our families, everything else will fall into place, whether we have an old-style tradition relationship or a more contempary relationship is irrelevant. Because, at that point, we are living God's will for our lives, not our own.
That's what I think anyway And, I, like you Rosie, continue to trust in my HP.
thank you rosie for that different view of what a marriage should be. i will keep it in mind. i have such an obsession with wanting the perfect family like what i see in movies. but that is exactly what it is... in the movies. none of it is real. i cannot depend on another for a happy future. it is in gods hands and mine. i can make myself happy wether im married or single. i can say these words with ease, but still need to learn how to live my them. there is no perfect family or marriage out there.it is what you make it.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
And, I, like you Rosie, continue to trust in my HP.