The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I always put everyone in my life first. If a friend was having a difficult time, I would neglect my stuff to take care of them. This goes back to my childhood, taking care of my parent's stuff instead of mine. This is self-inflicted abuse. When I got into Alanon and started to take care of me, some of my friends and family member became very nasty. It was the eeriest thing I've ever seen. They will use the manipulation, threats, and guilt trips but it doesn't work anymore. It's so easy to fall prey to their stuff. What helped me most was remembering that they have their own HP/God that will take care of THEM. I can no longer do it because I need to love myself first. I honestly felt like I was living in the Twighlight Zone. Early in recovery, I had the police called to my door because I wouldn't answer my phone. I wasn't answering my phone because I was protecting myself from my mother's manipulation tactics. She said she was worried and called the police to see if I was okay......she's only 20 mins from me. The disease can do some pretty nasty things to people. Some people you will no longer be able to have a relationship with because they will not be able to handle the recovering you. That is God/HP working in your life, healthier people will replace the sicker ones. I wished someone would have warned me early on! LOL
Oh yeah, I've been there! My family virtually disowned me because of my AH. I started going to Al-Anon because I had to find some way to help myself. I was surprised to learn that I had to help myself, not my A and not my family or his family. The rest of the family refused to go to Al-Anon or learn anything about his disease, mostly because I know they didn't want to face their own faults. My MIL would call almost weekly demanding that I do something about my AH. Well, when I finally had the nerve to tell her that it wasn't my place to "do something" about him she wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I heard back through the "grapevine" that she thought I was being very irresponsible. My dad and my AH would get into arguements and then my dad would pit me between the two of them and try to make me take sides. It was awful. It is tough but when you start taking care of yourself and not taking on other peoples stuff, it really does not make them very happy for quite awhile. Most of my family still won't speak to me anymore because I won't go along with their ways. I wish they wouldn't be that way but I know I feel better and I'm better able to deal with what is happening in my life.
LOL, I remember telling my counselor, I am enjoying being the kids taxi. She asked why, I said because now when they ask for a ride I feel like I have a choice. When I run them around it's because I WANT TO, not because I HAVE TO. That is the attitude I have gone with ever since then, if I don't want to do something, or feel it's not good for me personally, I say no...I don't make excuses or give reasons, I just say no, or no thank you, I'd rather not. My A gave me a hard time at first but now when I say no, for the most part he knows I mean no. It's amazing the changes I have gone through.
Isn’t it amazing that a tiny little word holds so much power - “No”. It is such a very difficult word for us to say, especially for women I think. We are naturally the carers and the nurturers and yet the one we spend the least time nurturing are ourselves often simply because we can’t say “no”.
I have learnt to say it. In the beginning I raised a few eyebrows but I made my way through that. Now I feel I have so much more I can give my children and family and friends simply because I also give to myself. And it's not selfish, it's realistic, as our bodies can't run without food, nor can our spirit soar without self love.
