The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The good thing is in a half hour I am going to be going to lunch so I will be doing my walking and trying not to call him. At my company it is slow so that is why i am want to call. Well I don't know if he even gets why I am not calling. I don't know. But I am trying to get him to miss me but I doubt that is happening though because he is working.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Who knows what our "A"s think? I know I have no idea what my "A" is thinking. He may not say it or show it, but he probably is missing you.
When I locked my "A" out of the house two weeks ago after a nasty fight, he would not admit to missing me and the kids. But after a few days past and we started talking and discussing the fight he said he did miss me, but he was trying not to think about it.
Have a good lunch and a great walk. Do something really nice for you. Focus on you and try to give him over to HP.
And remember post as much as you need to. I know several of us check the boards alot throughout the day. We are all here for you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
For me, when I try to not call to in order to get my A to miss me, quite frankly, all I often get is agony. Every moment of that exercise, I am focused on how much I miss them, and whether or not they are missing me. In other words, I am NOT focused on me, I am focused on THEM. Then, when they don't call or if they don't miss me, I get angry and am not very pleasant to deal with. I was having your EXACT dilemma/struggle over the not calling last week and what helped me was a reading from Hope for Today to make a plan A, B, C for times when the A may not follow through. So, I adapted this idea to deal with my obsessing on not calling the A and made the following three options of how to spend my day:
Plan A: Obsess about whether to call the A from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. (LOL)
Plan B: Study for my test
Plan C: Study for my test for most of the day & do nice things for me throughout--eat a good lunch, talk a walk in the beautiful fall air, etc.
When I did this, just writing it out this way made me laugh :--) and see the humor in my situation, especially in Plan A. It also made me realize that I have CHOICES. One choice is to continue to obsess, but I quickly realized that Plan C was FAR more appealing to me and that's what I chose to do. Suddenly, my focus shifted from trying NOT to obsess to trying TO nurture my serenity. It was much easier to focus on the latter.
You noted in your post that you are having a hard time not calling him because you are bored at work. I noticed for myself that my obsession on the A often pops up when I'm bored, and I've started to notice that more and find more direct, satisfying ways to deal with my own boredom. I think that's the other reason why Plan C worked better for me, it kept me from being bored.
I can relate to how you are feeling..We want them so badly to be thinking about us and missing us and believe me they do...they probably won't admit it, but they need us more than we need them.. I have read that in the "Getting them Sober" book.
Sometimes days go by without him calling..I go on with with my daily schedule, give him the time to think about things and he always does call again...I do got to be honest though, at times when he has called , I screen my calls..lol
I have my sense of self control back and it makes me a stronger woman each and every day.
You are doing great...Have a nice day...be good to yourself!! Keep your chin up and keep smilin
nycbt, You said "But I am trying to get him to miss me".
Sweetie, if you are doing it to force a situation (him missing you) you may end up dissapointed and resentful. It's manipulation and we sure don't like that being done to us. How about trying to think ...by not calling, I are not being needy, I are taking care of me and discovering that their is a life outside of obsessive thoughts. When he is at work or anywhere, he has the right to do his job or have some personal time. We know we can't force them to DO what we want, making them FEEL what we want would even be harder. Not calling is hard for sure. But try to do it for the right reasons. For YOU. To make you better and stronger. When you get through the day w/o calling, you can say WOW, look at how strong I am, I did it!! I can do it tomorrow.. if I did it today. One day at a time my friend :P
Love you Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
