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I was just reading through the posts and noticed something that got me thinking.
I noticed in replies to shares that deal with a member going through a painful situation, so many of us start our replies by saying: I'm so sorry to hear that, or..... I'm so sorry you are going through this, or something to that effect.
Why is it that so many of us instantly feel the need to apologize when we hear someone suffering in some way? Usually apologies are given when we have done something to apologize for. It seems it is so in our nature to take on the responsibilities of anothers sorrow that we just automatically do it. I wonder if this is common among all co dependent types? Does anyone else see it like this, or am I just way over tired tonight? LOL
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I totally agree. We just say sorry cause we know that many of us don't get the apologies we desire from the people we desperately want it from, so we give them out. Does that make sense?
Yes. Captcodee makes perfect sense. And, I am always sorry that someone hurts either physically or mentally, and so I tell them so. When we say, I'm sorry," we display a caring demeanor befitting a gentleperson. I think to do less would be crass disregard. JMHO. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
"I wonder if this is common among all co dependent types?"
Whoa. I completely overlooked this sentence at the end of your post. Saying you're sorry doesn't have to do with co-dependence. It has to do with the human kindness of reaching out with caring to someone in need of soothing words. Bluntly put, it is what separates us from the animals.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When someone is hurting, I know it is a natural emotion that we go through. I try not to apoligize for someone elses actions, but I know how it feels to hurt and sometimes when someone tells me that they are sorry I am hurting it makes me feel somewhat better. Kind of like a hug! When I am working my program or have made a small accomplishment I love when people encourgage me and say I'm doing great, it's like a hug. So I think when I say I'm sorry, it is more empathy then sympathy. Does that make sense?
Everything everyones saying makes sense, it just hit me tonight because I post on another board as well (NA) and you hardly ever see members begin their replies with I'm sorry.
You'll see things like: That's a shame, that's too bad, Sounds like a difficult time for you, and so on, but not the I'm sorries.
So since the majority of us belong to Al Anon because of letting someone elses drinking/drugging negatively affect us....because we somehow took on their problems as if they were our own, I just wondered if a lot of us had the same tendency to feel responsible for someone elses pain.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I tend to say I am sorry when somone is feeling pain because I never got appologies in the past. I, also, know that they are in pain and want them to know I understand their pain and would do what I could do diminish their pain.
Just my opinon, but when I say I'm sorry, it doesn't mean that I am appolgising , it mainly means that I am sad that some-one is feeling the way they are. If I could spell it, I'd say emphasizing, LOL. Love, TLC
when i say "i am sorry U R feeling...................." it is not an apology, i have not hurt that person.....it is just offering comfort.....like "gee i empathize with your pain, you don't deserve that"....or whatever............its like a hug or a validation of their feelings..... if i am making amends or apologizing, i will tell the person that i am remourseful/sorry for WHAT I DID/SAID.......and what amends do they need to restore relationship??????? i make it real clear, that i am doing my step 8/9 with them.......but to offer empathy to someone who is having pain is not a step 8/9 item.....more like a step 12 item.........just my take.....rosie
So many of us come in here having been totally bulldozed into a lifestyle of perpetual people pleasing and apologizing for every little thing, including just being there!!
My sponsor does an exercise with her new sponsees, pointing out to them every time they say "I'm sorry" when they have to cut a conversation short, when they bump into someone, step on a toe, ask someone to repeat something they didn't hear, voice a dissenting opinion, whatever. And she assigns each sponsee to look up the word "sorry" in the dictionary so they become aware of what they are saying they are every time they use that phrase as an automatic response: "Sorry: worthless or inferior; paltry." Hmmmmmm.
As a result of that exercise, if you lose a loved one or something sad happens in your life, instead of saying "I'm sorry," I try to say "my condolences," or "I will be thinking of you, I know that things are tough..." If I step on your toe, I try to say "excuse me," or "I beg your pardon. I'm sorry? No I'm not!
Anybody ever say "I feel for you?!" How about THAT one? LOL. That's a whole 'nother pre-Al-Anon story...
