I went to visit my husband in rehab on Saturday and it was amazing!!! Over the past two and a half weeks of him being away I have had, what they refer to as, a spiritual awakening.  I have never experienced one before.  I now talk to my HP all the time.  I yell, I cry, I laugh, I talk and the amazing thing is... he responds to me.  He responds through music, Al-Anon literature and the people around me. 

The first miracle is that I have forgiven my husband.  I truly understand now that it is an illness and I can honestly say that I love him, unconditionally, no matter what.  That being said, I have also learned that happiness comes from within and I am not leaning on him for happiness, but rather banking on my HP to be with me in any time of sorrow to get me through the rough patches so that I can continue to live a serene life.  My husband and I talked spiritually for hours on Saturday.  This is amazing because we have never really been able to do this.  We were both very lost and unsure of our faiths.  My AH had a few rather spiritual experiences while in rehab.. He is inspiring me and he says I am inspiring him too.  His miracles have been incredible.. he prayed for a sign then read "well you asked me a sign" on the chalkboard in the rec room.  He had another client teach him meditation and he says it cleared away him anxiety.  He also says he has forgiven God. These are all miracles to me.

My spiritual moments have sent chills up my spine.  At a meeting last night this woman began speaking and it was as if she was talking directly to me.  She spoke of how her Mom did not understand when she first came to Al-Anon and how she had to pray to just Live and let live and Let go and Let God to get through it.  My exact situation now.  Then she quoted a reading from, I believe, ODAAT about how this woman would always help her drunk husband into bed when he fell asleep on the floor and how since coming to Al-Anon she has learned to detach with love.  Now the woman puts a blanket over her husband, steps over him, and crawls into bed; leaving him on the floor. This was amazing and gave me goose bumps because out of all the pages in all the readers this was the page another woman brought up at last thursday's meeting when I had picked the topic to talk about detaching with love.  I truly feel that God works through people and lately He has really been showing me how much he loves me and how much I am worth it through other people's messages.  

The most 'miracle' thing of all is this.   I have been struggling because I used to drink with my husband, in fact in the begining we drank together.. ALOT.. I was still in college.  Well as time went on I grew out of this party mode and my husband did too as in he stopped drinking so much, however, he began snorting pills, something he used to do before I met him.  I used to drink to have some fun and when it was not fun anymore I quite... well my husband drank as a coping skill and when we were no longer going out he started snorting pills again as a med for his anxiety and fears from trauma he endured as a child.  The trauma is the root, the anxiety and pain he feels daily is the outcome and the alcohol/drugs are his self medication for the problem.  I did not understand this when I met my husband at 22.. I knew his past he was very open with me but I did not realize how intense these problems went.  I do understand it now.  Well about a year ago we went to Jamaica, little did I know my husband had been using oxycontin regularly at this point.  In Jamaica we partied like we used to when we first met.. even more actually.. We were drinking every day, dancing, even smoking pot together.. These are not normal activities I do at home.. but when in Rome.  I did not see the harm then.. but I see it now. I have been praying to God so that I can forgive myself for this.. I was naive and did not know all that goes into addiction/alcoholism.  Here is the miracle... In Jamaica I purchased a key chain; woven yarn in the Jamaican flag colors. I have had it on my keys ever since.  Last night I was rushing to get out of the house to go to an Al-Anon meeting and my keys that were in my hand, crashed to the ground.  I looked down and saw that the Jamaican key chain broke.  I set it on the counter, and thought briefly "perhaps it is a sign since in Jamaica my husband and I were drinking and partying."  I went to the Al-Anon meeting and that is where that lady spoke directly to me and did not even know it.  At the end of the meeting this very nice, older woman comes up to me and hands me a little, pink Leggo on a key chain.  She says "this is for you"  I was astounded because my keys are now naked and in need of a new key chain.  I thanked her and asked... "why a Leggo?"  She said, with a smirk... "Leggo, and Let God."

One more miracle.. I have been writing poetry since age ten and have been debating going to a poetry reading since my poems have been rather intense lately with all the trauma i have faced and pain my heart has felt.  At this same meeting a man came up and to me and said "Michelle, are you a poet?"  I said "Yes, well I mean I have been writing since childhood but how did you know?"  He said "I don't know, I wasn't sure. But every Friday friends and I go to open mic night at this poetry hall and you should check it out sometime."

To quote from a book I've been reading.. something like I thank God for bringing me to Al-Anon and I thank Al-Anon for brining me to God.  This is how I feel right now.. so grateful.. not worthy. but so grateful.