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Ive been active in al-anon for about a year & a half. I also used to post here but just recently got new login info. Anyhow- My A and I have a young child together & have been together for 3 years. Hes been in and out of the program. The last relapse was pretty bad and I simply couldnt handle talking to him and stopped, even texting/calling/emailing, for 4 months. During that period he went to treatment & I dove into my own program. After a month of sobriety he called me -and for the past 2 months we have been slowly reconciling. I let go of my resentments and I try not to nag/pressure him- Im trying to keep my side of the street clean. Weve all been through the pain of loving an addict/alcoholic. I know it is a risk to love him, but I cant help it. We are best friends. He has anger issues but I have seen improvement and I know that it is progress, not perfection. Currently hes in a three-quarters house and is handling responsibility for the first time. Im grateful to HP that hes there. We have absolutely no plans of living together any time soon- I need my space for myself and our child- and he needs his space for his program. We have been seeing each other on the weekends and talking throughout the day- like I said we are best friends and ultimately want to have a healthy happy family, but we are taking it one day at a time. This past weekend, my family had a get-together. I have a few understanding family members who are in the program & we had a great time. BUT- My brother has a ton of resentment towards my A. My brother actually had one of his friends come over and smoke that halfway-legal pot spice junk in front of my A to see if hed use! He politely declined and went on with the evening. After he (my A) left, my brother said he needed to talk to me. He says, hes just going to relapse again, I dont know why youre with him, you should put drugs/alcohol around him & test him to see if hes actually going to make it this time, I dont see it in him, hes garbage, hes a crack/cokehead etc. I told him that its his right to feel that way, I appreciate his concern and that I love him. I cant change his thinking. Im just trying to take this broken, tried relationship with my A one day at a time. Im going to call my sponsor in the morning, but I feel shaken- I used to think that way before al-anon and I feel myself slipping in my program. Any ESH? :/
Continue to take care of you and regardless of what your bf does your going to be okay . I am sorry your brother chooses to believe your wasting your life and he's pretty sick to send someone to * test * your bf instead of supporting his efforts at sobriety but as you have said you cannot change your brothers thinking - this is your life and no one has a right to tell you what to do with it. I took a chance 20 yrs ago and have not regreted my decission . keep the focus on you . Louise
I really appreciate your words of encouragement. And thanks for agreeing that the "test" was sick, not justifiable- I no longer feel like I'm the one going crazy! :)
mmmm......sounds like this pot smoking guy is a weenie bit jealous?? because he cant stay off the pot himself by the sounds of it- he needs to keep HIS side of the street clean...before he goes judging....you just stick to your program- you sound like you are getting it spot on- your partner really does need his space for his program and you understand this- which is great. when you love someone- sometimes you put up with the crap because that person didnt ask for their illness. and if they are trying to work at their program- then thats good to accept people and to not try and change them into being something different. my mum- my sister has cut her out of her life- but i havent. yes at times it has been agro in the past. and its made me loose my serenity- and i have sacrificed a bit of piece of mind- taken a bit of verbal bullying....but its been a calculated decision.... to stick by someone through their illness. and when its got too much- i have taken my rights to detach. so long as you both stay on your own recovery and so long as you dont take the pressure of full on committment too quickly then things will be just fine- dont worry about the pot smker says.....only straight people shuld get listened to really. i have to say- in my 40 year (life time) experience of living and knowing an A... relationships can be their biggest stress trigger. i see my mum once a fortnight or a week- obviously with a partner youll want to see them more....but the fact that my mum lives on her own and can get on with her own routine- meetings and just looking after herself then things go tickety boo. its not good to expect or put too much on them....ok lecture over...ha ha.
i have a friend who has friends- that come round and light up a joint without asking if its ok with everyone else--- they put their own religion onto everyone else as they think pot shuld be openly accepted. as someone in recovery myself...and knwing many people in AA (i am better suited to al-anon though) this drives me CRAZY. i think its ignorant and rude and short sighted. i mentioned to my friend...why dont they put it into cakes and just eat it- so no one wuld be none the wiser...why do we all have to get sucked into the smell etc....if they werent good friends of my friend...id tell them straight out.
sounds like you handled the situation with your brother great! Easy does it. Please be gentle with yourself today. It seems like you are working a wonderful program. When I feel myself slipping, I remind myself easy does it. I am human. progress, not perfection. Sending you lots of support this morning. Your child is very lucky to have such an aware mommy!
You handled that situation with your brother beautifully. I agree with others have shared that the test is a reflection of your brothers mental well being. You kept your side of the street clean, didnt react, and treated him with courtesy despite what happened.
The program reinforces the concept that the only people we can change is ourselves. Keep doing the next right thing, moving forward in your program. It works if you work it ....and you are doing an awesome job!
I have quite a few things in common - separated from my husband with a 2 year old son, but my husband and I are still quite close and he sees us on weekends. Our separation was precipitated by an awful binge 3 months ago that made him lose his job, (and lose his mind at the time). He's been sober since his last binge, is doing AA, and knows that a condition of seeing me and our child is that he is never to show himself to us drunk. I am facing enormous pressure from my family to totally disengage from him. This is quite difficult, so long as he keeps up his part of the bargain. I still love him, even though I have lots of issues with him which I am trying to deal with ODAT. I don't know the future of my relationship with him yet, but every conversation with my mom goes back to how awful he is, and how I should be telling people I"m available so that they can fix me up with other men. My family never did anything close to waht your brother did - and I really respect how you handled it. It is very difficult having to deal with both sides. It sounds to me like you stood your ground firmly but calmly and did the best you could navigating a difficult situation. Sending you much support - you did well.
Thank you all so much! You're really helping me through a tough morning! :)
I'm still visiting at my mother's home here, though I'll be leaving soon--- I woke up this morning to my brother loudly talking about me on the phone. Apparently, the subject of why I don't drink even though I'm 21 came up. Instead of saying "she doesn't have time"- because that IS why as I'm a full-time student and my son is sweet little energetic toddler- he said "her baby daddy is a crackhead and she just doesn't do anything because he'll wind up doing drugs again" I was astonished at him using the terms baby daddy and crackhead! I have rather thick skin and it doesn't bother me for me, but for my son... He left and I calmly texted him that not for me or for my A but for his nephew, please don't spread intimate family details around. He said why not because it's true.
Anyhow, after jumping on here I felt better. Thank HP for al-anon in all it's forms. I haven't been judged in a long, long time and it reopened old wounds.
grantmeserenity, I completely understand where you are coming from right now. My AH is in rehab, he overdosed on heroine and almost died two and a half weeks ago. This time away from him has been healing to say the least. I have accepted him in whatever way he comes, I have let go and let God. I can live and let live. I love him. I will do what is best for me ODAAT. My Mom does not understand Al-Anon or AA at all. She rolls her eyes when I talk about how I have built a relationship with God. She contradicts herself.. telling me that I took vows one minute then telling me she feels so bad for my horrible life and how I should not live with him yet. It is no one's business by mine.. and what my Mom thinks of me is none of my business. Yesterday I let it get to me, I even yelled at my Mom to mind her own business. I invited her to Al-Anon with me when she said she doesnt understand.. but she declined. I went to a meeting and felt much better of course.. afterwards my temporary roomate told me how it does not look good for my AH. I want people to mind their own business... I have faith in God and hope in my AH. I also have learned to find happiness from within and depend on HP, Al-Anon, support from people who understand, and myself to find serenity and make myself a healthier person. I am working on steps 4 and soon 5 with my sponsor... When I stop focusing on others and start focusing on myself i am much happier and begin to heal. Just know that this hard time you are going through I also am going through. We can be there for eachother through prayer. I will pray for HP to be there for you in your time of need, to bring you hope and strength. I know what you mean too b/c my AH is also my bst friend... I have accepted that he always will be.. what my heart feels for his heart is irreplaceable.. therefore, I can find happiness and serenity whether he is using/drinking or not.. and I can love him whether he is using/drinking or not. I thank God for bringing him into my life. I owe my faith to him and Al-Anon. and I am grateful to God for him and Al-Anon. Thinking of you, grantmeserenity.. youre really working on you.. keep up the good work.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
It sounds like you've done the things Alanon would suggest in being true to yourself yet supportive of your abf. No one knows the future. It's always one day at a time. It's great that your boyfriend is sober today and putting days, weeks and months together - a good start without expectations. In reading your post, I find a lot of compassion for your alcoholic boyfriend. I think there tends to be a lot of finger pointing concerning the actions of alcoholics and how they were when they were active. Yet some of the behaviors of "so called" sober people can at times be worse. In my humble opinion, your boyfriend didn't deserve that kind of "test," humiliation. He has a rough road ahead with his addictions but even people who fail to get sober over and over again can get it finally and make it stick. I think you did a great job of responding to your brother in a mature and detached way. It's great you have a sponsor and are making meeting and practicing hands off concerning your bf working AA. Thanks for sharing. Nice job working it! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My experience has been, and what I have witnessed in other A's is that often the members of the family of orgin hate losing the black sheep of the family and will attempt to sabotage the A's efforts to recover, or tempt them... knowing it could jeapardize their recovery...
And this is usually done by the one who doesn't like becoming the black sheep when the alcoholic starts to get well...
So, its actually not so uncommon that the family of orgin is dangerous ground in early recovery.. simply because there are dynamics in play that many don't see or know about... and the alcoholic goes into it with blindfolds on....
My family wants me to succeed!
Not always my friend, not always.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I can associate with everything here cause I see myself and/or parts of myself in everyone before I got into Al-Anon. I would try to sabotage her efforts, and did, just so I wouldn't be wrong about the situation or be left out of her changing. That was miserable because it did cause her to go back out for several years. "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with." I don't attempt to subtract or add to that Al-Anon definition of Alcoholism in anyway. It's the truth and I just accept it 100%. I've never met anyone who was truely immune from it either in the program or out of it.
When I learned to set boundaries with the alcoholic I also learned that I had to set boundaries with my families. They had what they were going thru with the disease and they didn't have what we were going thru with the disease and at times I had to alert them to keep their hands out of stuff they didn't know anything about and don't attempt things that would cause the life threatening situation to get worse. We/She are not bad people trying to get good but sick people trying to get well.
It's all about progress...not perfection. just some of my AFG lessons.
Thank you! I am grateful for everyone's comments!! :)
How ironic---It just so happened that my brother's girlfriend called me after midnight tonight & vented for over 2 hours (she and I are NOT close so this was strange but welcome)--she was very upset about my brother's recent drinking binges. Unfortunately, as it's playing out, many of your remarkable insights were true & he's trying to shift attention elsewhere, not become the black sheep. Seems to be developing quite a problem. This disease is just baffling. HP put me in the right place as she really needed to let it out.
My brother is an A and talks so badly to me about my exAH it makes me laugh now that I see what's going on. It sounds like you work a great program, keep up the good work! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
