Why must life feel so miserable...... - Al-Anon Family Group

downdenise · Member

Why must life feel so miserable......

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can be happy and whole without him. All the drama and make up-break up makes it seem you are as addicted to him as he is to drugs/alcohol. Can you turn the focus on you and your kids for a while and still feel fulfilled and happy? You wrote you keep looking towards him to make you happy. That philosophy in relationships with leave you even more vulnerable to be treated badly every time. It will help you to try and feel good about yourself on your own and to not look as much towards a relationship to fill that gap and to make you feel whole. However you can do that, you will be better. Your next relationship will be better. The answer lies there and not in focusing on all the crazy and horrible things your boyfriend/husband has done and is doing. You drew a very clear picture of him being untrustworthy and not capable of an adult relationship. You have tried.... You wouldn't be writing here if you didn't know you deserve better. So....go back to the mirror and tell yourself you are great and thank God for helping you see that you can't change this guy into a winning husband when you know it's just not going to happen....ever. Of course face to face Alanon and the literature will help you learn to feel good about yourself regardless of him.

Mark

downdenise · Member

Thanks! I just spoke with his therapist in hopes she can help him look for some shelter if his brothers or other family are unable to assist. She told me that I have to listen to my gut. I said I know I will never be able to trust him after over 3 years of continuous lies and mistreatment. She advised that then I should have my answer and to be strong. And you are right - I should be able to be happy without him or others. He was just making my life so hard and painful that the happiness was disappearing, I was hoping after rehab and him understanding the things he had done to me that he would come back and just not make my life so hard or full of anxiety. If he was able to show he was doing the right things and was building up on trust - I could have felt better or happier with our relationship. I was letting and still am allowing me to be unhappy. I can't help to feel the hurt when he is lying and doing bad things. I do feel like a bit of a failure that I can't have a successful relationship. I really wanted to marry once and be married forever - he was the second. Both with severe issues. I know relationships are not easy but why do they feel impossible? Right now it is very hard for me to close the door on him, it feels so hard. My heart breaks when he looks so down and sad. He never really had a father figure but he lost both parents when he was young. He is his own man and I need to focus and me and my kids. I would never want my daughter to stay with someone who did the things that I went through. I ave to be strong and fight through these feelings.

If I believe that he hadn't spent all of his money, he has accounts with a good deal money, more than he owes me. I know if he works to get account opened (believe it was locked by court) , he will have more than enough money to live on for months. Hopefully he will do right and settle up with me as I am not sure if there is a light at the end of this debt. So, I should also focus on that he is not helpless, he is able to work and he has money that just requires some effort to get his hands on. And pray that he can get healthy and be happy in life. I should focus on how to make life whole again as the relationship put holes all over the place. Wish me the strength I need.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

The things you have described, I have been through, not all of them.. but the lying and deceit especially. I can now say that I love my AH and I will until the day I die and beyond... rather my soul will love his soul... he is ill and the lies and hurt he has caused me were not from his heart.. but from his illness. I cannot speak for you, I can only speak for what I have been through. But I know my husband's heart and he knows mine. He is kind, caring, smart, genuine, real , affectionate, and funny. Addiction/alcoholism, however, is deceitful, vindictive, sneaky, and down right evil. I did not deserve the pain he caused me, NO, but God does not work that way. You get what you get.. God gives you hope, strength, wisdom, courage, and serenity to get through the tough stuff. That is what I have found through Al-Anon and prayer. I am gratefu I met my alcoholic/addict.. ask me that three months ago and I was wanting to build a time machine so I could go back and NOT meet him... but if it had not been him.. it would have been another because I was ill too. I needed to change and change I have. Now I am grateful. My HP led me to the best alcoholic/addict he could have put me with (we're soul mates i feel) and because of him... I was led to Al-Anon. Life gets better and it works if you work it. I will send some prayers your way, downdenise.

There is hope for YOU whether he is clean or not.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can very much relate to your share and I was lost and I felt unworthy and jaded. After Al-anon meetings, MIP and a sponsor I have hope and know I am better for it. I hope you are able to find local meetings and take care of yourself. It sounds like you are taking care of everything and everyone else. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you will give it a try and find that you are more than worth it!!! My life is still hard, but I am better able to handle it and focus on myself and what is best for me and then I can better take care of my kids. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

The now ex A was often gone for days at a time. He spun many a lie about that. In his heyday he could work, party, work for weeks at a time. Eventually things went awry.

In some ways I was relieved when he was gone.

All the guessing, obsessing and wondering what was a lie. That takes up a lot of energy.

Get the book Getting them Sober if you have a chance. Toby Rice Drew has a website.

This site is a great place to find refuge, solace and understanding. You can attend meetings and get to know people.

So many of us have been where you are. So many of us have dealt with guilt, shame and anger. There are tools that can help you with all of that.

you do not have to be alone anymore.

maresie.

downdenise · Member

I will look for that book..... So, just a little while ago, I got the call. The call as I would say let me try to save things call. He calls and apologizes. He said I was talking to the homeowner (where he is working) and explained how you are upset and I should tell you the truth. He goes on to say how he wasn't able to get me anything last Christmas, and wasn't able to do anything for Anniversary, Valentines, Easter, Birthday so I went out and got you an early Christmas present. I should have just told you the truth. He wa like it was on sale and I can make up some money selling some things....... Me being very unbelieveing - told him I didn't believe him. He stated that it was an item on sale and he had to go get it... asked where and he took a few minutes and stated a shopping center that is a few miles from this customers house. He claims she must have slept in and didn't know he was there. I said U just told me U were there all day. So then he goes well like 6 hours, I said put the homeowner on the phone - then it gets change to 3 hours and I asked him to put her on the phone and he is like I can't find her. Not to mention the shopping center doesn't advertise sales and sales don't end on Wednesdays. AND I have been given this story before.... another time things were real bad - he had gotten me a fabulous Christmas present - that he put in storage. BTW - I never got. I take it - just didn't exist. And on the only Valentines I got a gift besides the year he came home with box of alcohol (gift really for him) was a time he snuck a necklace I had out of a Zales box and put some necklace used or old that he found in the box and tried to make it out to be a Zales purchase. He just didn't have a gift... it wasn't important to him but he had a baggie with a few pieces of jewelry he acquired that he dipped in..... I soon found the necklace he had taken out of its box. All the stories around that too - it wouldn't change. He asks if he can come home that he has no place to go and I said no. I said I will give you clothes and items you need but you must stay with your brothers or somewhere. So, then he says I have been really feeling like using lately and I need to be home..... It just went on and on.... And if I were to give him the benefit and he had this gift in mind that he wanted to get and give me..... he could have done that in an hour. It wouldn't be an all day thing. What story is true??? I don't believe I got it. First he doesn't have a car and doesn't drive..... he purchased a tool yesterday and was going to show me proof and today it is a gift for me --This is how these things normally go - something bad is going on and he tries to see how he can spin it. Now he is still claiming that he is not using - so he is pretty much stating he has been clean since he went away in March. So why all the lies??? Why all the disappearing acts???? Why all the same things???? Also, when talking with therapist earlier he is clearly giving there center stories as well. She asked me if he had been to ER this week? Gather he used that as an excuse for a no show..... In again what is shining through is that there is no trust. Can anyone have a successful relationship without trust??? I know some are able to find a relationship with their AH or AW but do those relationships contain trust or is it built around something else....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alchoholics and addicts have common traits like being self-centered, lying, not being trustworthy. Some have mental illness and personality disorders in addition. What you are describing sounds like a person with antisocial personality disorder/traits. That goes beyond addiction and alcoholism. That amount of lying and deceit and using others is something more. That is just my opinion though. Take it for whatever it's worth. You are describing a sociopath and not just an addict.

downdenise · Member

I actually used that word sociopath the other day but it just spun out of my mouth - when I went to a website just now to see some traits - it seemed real: http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html It is sad for me, him and the kids. I must remember it is just not my life being impacted. I have tried to be good and be there but I am just so worn and torn up. I would love to get to some meetings as I haven't been since I was young. It is just hard as my kids are always with me but maybe I can see if my parents can watch them.... When he was in rehab, i sat in on a few and didn't say a word but the stories I could relate with and just cried.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

yes some of us have relationships with active addicts whoever they are in our lives. I can trust my husband on the big issues, I also trust that at the first sniff of an opportunity, he will use drugs or drink alcohol. I trust also that he will lie about things if he thinks it will get or keep him out of trouble. How often that works nowadays and I don't know how often he has lied is unknown, I only know when he has lied because I have caught him out.
Also, the lying may have 'reduced' becasue I have stopped trying to 'catch him out'. I have stopped asking to be lied to.

What I read, you are dealing with someone who is a pathalogical liar. My ex husband was like that, he would lie for the sake of lying. Mostly around his sex addiction which I now believe he had.

I had an ex boyfriend who did the same jewellery thing.

I would say, be strong, stand up for your own rights and boundaries and do what you feel is right for you and your kids.

If you stay with this man, how are your kids going to talk about their dad when they are 30? What would you like them to have memories of?

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

The jewelry thing, so hilarious! But really so pathetic. Very childish. My husband will tell me he got me a gift, like if he's out of town, but I will never get the gift. Because he didn't buy one...so weird.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am certain my husband has PTSD.. this is the root .. not the addiction/alcohlism.. until he deals with past trauma he cannot truly deal with his addiction/alcohlism. I think he can work on both together but you can't pull a plant out and expect it not to grow back until you uproot it.. and this is what he must do. That being said, this is in his control, not mine.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.