The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
he was doing so good since rehab .i had such a bad feeling last night and my husband swore that he wasn't drinking. anyway we were suppose to see each other today and i havent heard from him since 11pm last night. i called his cell phone (nextel) and i two wayed him 4x and i know he heard me . then i called later and a guy anwered not my husband and hung up. i feel like a fool and i don't want to fight for my marriage anymore. i gave him one last chance & he screwed up big time. i put my faith and trust in him and he let me down again i have been crying off and on all day & night.this is his 6th disapearance and the last one for me. i had put off doing the leagal seperation papers but now i'm ready . how the hell can he do this to us he said he loved me & he would never do it again. & when he gets the urge he rembers how low he became & doesnt want to go back there. I am so f in pissed and so dissapointed in him. i really thought i could save our marriage. i would have done anything to help him. i guess he really didn't love me. thank god i didn't let him come back or move into a new place with him.
thank god for my brother for giving him the boot i hate being the talk of the family but thats what i am now. my sisternlaws birthday is coming up and i really don't want to go. i feel like running away where no one can find me & my daughter,so that i can start fresh
He's not doing anything *to* you even though that is how it feels right now. His alcoholism has nothing to do with his love for you. These are the actions of someone active in their disease, not someone with a lack of love for his family. They mean it when they say they don't want to drink anymore, however they haven't grasped hold of the tools they need in order to stay sober. They have not turned their drinking/using over to their Higher Power. After my husbands first bout at rehab he did well for a while and I really thought the nightmare was over. Then he started up again and I fell apart. I had put all my faith in the fact that this time was it and he wasn't going to use anymore. My sponsor said something to me during this time that really had a lot of impact on me. She said either God has removed my husbands obsession to use, or he hasn't. Simple as that.
From what you shared in this post, you have held onto some type of hope that you could fix him, that his love for you should be enough to make him stop drinking, that the fear of losing his family should have been his rock bottom. The disease of addiction/alcoholism just doesn't work that way. Although it would be great for everyone involved if it did.
Instead of being so angry with your husband, try to have the same compassion for him that you would have for a sick friend. For your husband is very very sick right now. We tend to think that once they step foot through the doors of rehab they will be cured. That's never the case. That is only the first tiny step on a lifelong journey of recovery.
Please don't isolate yourself right now from family and friends. Try your best to go to your sisterinlaws birthday even if you don't want to. Your husbands actions don't dictate who you are. *His* drinking doesn't give your family reason to talk about you.
I know you're hurting right now and I know running away and starting fresh sounds like a great idea. But remember, until you work on you, and I mean really work.......your old self will go with you wherever you go. Take the anger your feeling right now and use it as motivation to work this program as if your life depended on it because in a sense, it does. We're all here for you so keep sharing.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Remember that first year of sobriety is so hard. What's the stat something like 99.3% of recovery addicts relapse in their first year. Mine did within months of getting out. It's been a long hard year.
Kathy S has said it so well in her post. It's his disease talking. It has nothing to do with you as odd as that sounds. I really can't add anything to her post. But please don't blame yourself. Remember the 3 C's.
Take good care of yourself. Your recovery and his (if he so chooses) are 2 separate issues. Work on yourself. I know you're angry, but don't let it consume you. Focus that anger and energy into something positive, like your well-being. Please don't let his disease consume you. Otherwise it will destroy you.
You'll be okay, you can and will do this. Take a deep breath and start taking those baby steps towards your recovery.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
He is an A. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is doing it to himself he is not thinking of you or anyone else just himself. You could want to help with everything in you but he has to want to help himself. My A went into rehab three times in a year than tried to control it for a year before he said that it. Funny thing is we never know what rock buttom is for someone. I guess he is not there yet. From ast post sounds like he still has his mom enableing him. When things were really bad I though me faimly would laugh or hate me or give up on me for staying with him. They did not they were just looking out for me. Some of the things they said hurt but needed to be said to wake me up. Don't shut your family out they just hate seing this happen to you. That because they love you. Remaber you can't start fresh to you work out the past.
Crissy we love you and hate your going though this. You are strong and you can and will make it.
Alcoholism is cunning , baffling and incidious. It destroys, it mames, it kills. My suggestion is to read and research as much about this disease as you can. Detaching from the Alcoholic and the Alcoholism is extremely hard, however in my opinion it is very important for us alanoners to find some peace, sanity, and serenity in our lives, thus by detaching we can achieve this whether our A's are drinking or not. I agree with the other posts, it is not that he doesnt love you, it is the disease which is controlling him at this point. I found in my research in alot of cases everything is disposable,,,,, houses, cars, families, friends, as long as they can fill their addictions. I hope you are attending face to face meetings and keeping alanon friends close in these difficult times, we are here for you, as we understand,,,,,,,,gardengal
Just focus on yourself.. I know it is difficult, but try not to let this wicked disease over come you. Keep reading, going to meetings and trusting in your HP. Have a great day!
((((((((((chrissy)))))))) sorry to hear you are going through this. i know exactly how you feel. you sound just like me before alanon. i used to question his love for me all the time thinking he didnt love me because he was out using again. now i know he loves me with all his heart it is just this terrible addiction that covers that. when you're hooked on something the a will do anything and everything to get his fix NOTHING else matters at that moment. it is him and his addiction not you. he does love you im sure. my a quit thousands of times but currently i've accepted the fact that i love him, theres nothing i can do if he uses. its his choice his life. i reallly love him and realized theres more good times then bad. i choose to stay here so i choose to deal with whatever comes my way. everyone is different. follow your heart. best of luck to you
notsonew1111 :)
__________________
stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
This disease is so very painful. And at the time you are going through the pain it is hard to believe that he isn't doing this to hurt you. At the time he made those promises to you he proably meant them. I know this is true for my "A". It is not a matter of him loving you or not loving you. But a matter of him loving himself.
The guilt and shame that an alcoholic feels is so immense. The self loathing so intense.
However, you need to do what is best for you and your daughter. Only you and your HP know what that is.
Keep Coming Back!
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Hi It is hard to trust them. My husband was sober for 6 months and then he went out again. He is disappering and everything. I have gotten so upset by him taking off. It is very hard. When he first went out I got the funny feeling like something is not right and sure enough that want happen. I was so upset when I found out. But you and I have this group to help us through the bad things.
__________________
Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
chrissy
