The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First please let me say I am sorry for being so off the wall last night. I lost it. I was so hurt and angry, I scared myself.
While at the time I wrote it, I meant every word. I do not wish anyone to die a hirrible death, life is too preciouse to me.
I am going to save what I wrote, to remind me of the place that this disease has the ability to take me.
Thank you all for your kind words and support, it meant a lot to me.
My bigger kids where all sleeping out last night, and they want nothing to do with him right now anyway. It made it harder that it was just me and the little ones. They knew how upset Mommy was, and they all ended up sleeping in my bed with me. I cried most of the night.
I feel a little calmer this morning. Very tired and drained, but that gripping anger and hate is gone. I am glad of that, I do't like feeling that way.
It was strange, you see the News, the things that people are capable of and wonder how and why. Where I was last night scared me. If he or his mother had been near me, I would have been capable of bodily harm to them. The rage was just fighting to get out of me. I am normally a complete passivist almost to being a polyanna, but I probably would have enjoyed hurting one of them. Not something I am proud of.
I will not believe him again, and he will have no contact with the kids or I, at least for a while. Am I being vindictive? Maybe, but I will not trust his manipulative version of things around the kids. The bigger ones don't want to see him anyway.
I think it is time to use the legal system. If nothing else, they will set him straight on what is expected of a father financially. I am going to see what I can do about making sure his Mother is not allowed near my kids. I will speak to a lawyer and see what I am permitted to do. I write everything down in a daily planner, so I have dates, incidents and times. Hopefully this will help. I can't protect her son from her, but I can try and protect my children.
As a last resort, I cna always say it is too expensive to live here, and try and move to the Carolinas, by my family. I love NJ and have not wanted to do that, though my parents have asked me to. It is an option I can explore, it would put a lot of distance between that woman and my kids.
Monday is a new week, I have a lot of questions to ask and I lot of things I didn't want to do, to do. I will go to the football game today, work in the snack bar and cheer for my kids. Life goes on, then I will come home and probably cry some more.
I do still believe that as long as there is breath left in them, there is hope. Right now I am having a problem holding onto that, but I know it is true. What I also know to be true, is if his HP does not step between him and his Mother, there will not be breath in him for too many years. She is old, but will definately outlive her son. His liver disease is deteriorating rapidly, she tells him not to worry she will buy him a new liver. That would almost be funny if it where not so sick.
Jeannie, I know you didn't mean what you said about the dying. Sometimes this disease makes us as crazy as THEY are!!! Grrrrrrr.... You have every right to be angry, hurt, disappointed. His mom is a nut case...no other way to put it. Hang in there sweet thing. Minute to minute if you must. Remember that you have the prayers and support of all of us here.
Love to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your post makes me want to cry. You put up with a lot, seriously. All of the manipulation going on it is no wonder you get that angry. And like Diva said I knew you really didn't want them to die a horrible death. But this disease can certainly take it's toll, to say the VERY least. You are a brave woman and will do what you need to do when it is time. I have all the faith in the world in YOU. You and your family are in my prayers.
life has a very weird way of turning upside down. i can remember days when i was soooo truely happy that i thought life couldn't get any better... those days seem like a distant dream i had. my ex is still in treatment now and has only been there 3 weeks.. god only knows how long he will actually stay this time. i really believe howevr much you love someone. it doesn't make everything alright...when the trust is gone...for me...thats it..its over! thats an unbelievable statement for me to say but its true... i cant be worrying every single day whether he wud drink again...or what state he wud come home to me in. i couldnt trust him to look after a baby...god forbid if i had a child with him. life is what you make it... i just hope your kids dont see you as a doormat for their dad...coz i know you are trying to raise them the best you can and with no help from the "a". if you ever wanna chat.... just write...
Just read your previous post. Lady all I can tell you is that I'm sure more than one of here on this board has temporarily felt that way. You were just gutsy enough to post it. Glad you're feeling better. No apologies necessary. That's what we're here for.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
At times we have all been angry and just need to vent..Take care of yourself and detach from all the abuse and humiliation you have been put through. You are a great person! Enjoy your Sunday
