This week has been a tough week emotionally with me and my "a".  We have been fighting like cats and dogs.  On Wednesday morning we got into a major fight on the way taking him to work because he wants me to pay for his car insurance and his gas.  He makes $7hr, which does not cover his end of the bills entirely anyway.  I agreed to give him $120 allowance a month from my pay check just to keep him quiet.  This week he says he needs a cigarette fund and now expects me to pay for his car stuff in March of next year.  I simply let him know I cannot afford this I have financial responsibilities that I must own up to.  He will not meet me half way on bills, so I already supplement his shortages.  So, he really threw a big fit about it in front of the kids, spit on the car on the way inside to work and everything.  I was shook up big time.  He walked off the job and got fired.  He basically said well i will never have a car your not going to help me and I don't make enough money to afford your bills!!  That night he came home and my son said "I don't want to see Daddy."  Our other son said " I don't like Daddy."  I didn't say one word to them about their father or the fight, this came from their own minds and hearts, at two years old.  All I could do was cry, I feel so guilty about the messages we are sending our children when we fight.  I have made a committment to go back to counseling and anger management, I let my "A" know that he can't stay with us if he doesn't get help too.  It appeared to really hit home with him also, he was devestated to hear his children say these things.

So, we pull out the helpfull hints on fair fighting from our previous therapist last night and we begin talking about the do's and dont's of communicating with each other.  One of the hints is to stay on one topic, be respectful and don't bring up issues during stressful times.  We agreed that after the children go to bed is the time to talk about serious issues, or whatever.  So he say's well I have issues that need to be addressed that I have held in for a long time.  I encouraged him to pick one and be respectful.  He hesitated and said, no It will just make you upset and you'll cry and scream and yell.  I said "Well if I get upset that's my business, it's not your fault for the way I receive it.  I said " Just be respectful".  He says that he is slowly becoming unattracted to me. He says, your weight is an issue for me and I am upset because at some point you'll be so big that you won't be able to fulfill my sexual needs.  He says I don't want you to die early in life because you didn't take care of yourself now.

I have put on weight caused by my pregnancy with twins.  I was a size 16 when I got pregnant, I've never been thin. I'm in a size 20 pants now.  He says I don't expect you to be thin, I just want you back to the size you were before.  I want you to exercise and eat healthy.  He says, "If I can't get my needs fulfilled I'll go somewhere else to get them fulfilled".  My argument is since having my children and living with an active "a" I don't have much "me" time.  I get up at 5a.m. to take his butt to work, get myself ready, etc. etc. Get off work feed the kids, baths, and spend time with them before going to bed.  My "a" says, I can make the dinner, give the kids a bath, whatever you want just do something!!  This would be great if it was consistent, but we all know that "A" are not reliable and when they want something or have to leave, their gone, and we're left holding the bag of responsibilities.

Am I being too sensitive about his statement of "I'm becoming unattracted to you because of your weight and I'll get my needs met somewhere else".  That's the most hurtful thing.  If he approached me from a healthwise stand point, I don't think I'd be that upset, but when you get to the intimacy part it just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I can't shake this conversation, I feel like the fat kid again that got picked on at school.  All the old wounds from past boyfriends just opened right up.  I don't know how to deal with this in my relationship on top of everything else we struggle with, this feels like it tips the scales way over and I don't think I can manage this too.  My feelings are genuinely hurt and I can't conceal that today.  His statement to me speaks volumes about his commitment and love for me.  Why would I want to stay with someone like this? 

Thanks for listening friends, HP will somehow reveal to me what to do.