This is the first time my AH sat in a hospital bed and could say "no" to did you drink today? and "no" to do you use illegal drugs.  Now, I assume he's telling the truth but my trust is rather frayed.

In the past four years my AH has been in the ER three times now.  The first was that he almost cut off his arm with a chain saw (not alcohol or drug related just unsafety on the job) the second time he wrapped his car around a tree.  (this time may have involved drugs and I know he was hung over but I am uncertain what that had to do b/c the main problem was texting and driving)  Both incidents he walked away alive, well, with all his limbs, and able to continue working and living a productive life

so here is the story.  My AH fell out of a tree yesterday he was 15 (at least) feet up (this is the first miracle because usually he is much much higher than that, he owns a tree service.)  The strap around his hips snapped and he did not even realize it til a split second before he hit the ground (miracle #2, had he put his arms out he would have broken them both.)  He hit the ground on his belly/chest and got up on his arms and knees and crawled.. (miracle #3 chain saw was dangling right above his head in the branches!)He later realized he fell onto bricks and jagged stones were placed just a few feet from where he fell.

He calls me on his way to the ER and tell me not to worry that he took a little spill. I leave work and meet him there.  A trauma alert was called and they put me in that dreaded room (the one where they need 'privacy') but i had spoken to him and he was aware and sounded okay so i did not think it would be so bad. i was afraid they were going to say he was paralyzed though...

Why does God save some and let others go? I cannot say, I do not know.. the only thing I can think is that there is happiness in death (to quote Conor Oberst) and perhaps it was not my husband's time.  He has a scrape on his right forearm, a bit tongue, and a tiny fracture in his neck (he will have to wear a brace for a few weeks they do not think he will need surgery at this time)      ???baffled???

All I can do is be grateful and thank my HP that I get another day with the man I love, alcoholic/addict and all. Just before the accident I have been reaching a point where my resentment and anger has been lifting and I am starting to forgive... this process has been working through AA, al-anon and individual and couples therapy where we are digging deeper into the root of his trauma and I am finally accepting that his relapse had nothing to do with our relationship or an act of defiance against our marriage or ever a punishment from God for something I did. It does not have much to do with me at all actually.. rather nothing except that he hurt me over it. If he had died yesterday I would have been so grateful to know I spent my last week with him in happiness, laughter, not anger/resentment, and arguments.

But he did not die. and that is the greatest wonder of it all.. so many circumstances had to be just perfect for my husband to be alive right now.

Now here is the kicker... first off what ODAAT and courage to change books are about today.. about how we really have no control over others at all no matter how much we love them.  It talks about how it is best to wrap them up safely and hand them up to HP and to his will.  unreal... These pages just completely spoke to me today with this event and all we have endured.  How I love my husband so much that I really interalize his problems and dwell on them as if they are my own and how that does not help him.. but it hurts me.  I am ready to let go of the grip I hold and the unknown and just let him be and let my HP or his HP take care of the rest. 

The other crazy part is that once they told my AH he was looking alright and they werent even sure at this point that the neck had fracture (its very small) we could hear the lady next to us just hysterical.. she was in a car wreck and was driving under the influence and had hurt someone (just a back injury the person would be okay.)  She was a mess though and you could just hear the hysteria. she was worried for the other person and just so sad that she had hurt someone and so scared to have to tell her family about the incident.  A cop came in and talked to her about how he took the needle from the vehicle and how she is going to lose her license and she will have to go to court for a dui. My AH was wide eyed and listening in intently (couldnt help but hear the whole thing.)  I cant say what this meant to him. I can't help but think God was involved in that. I guess its up to him to take the hint.  

all i can say is that I am baffled. I am baffled that he is alright, I am baffled at the lessons I have learned that I have absolutely no control, if God wanted to take him he could right now. or me. or not. who knows when that  time comes.  I see the release that comes with letting go and letting god. I know i often talk about it.. but its been taking me months to really really be able to do it. I get it then I hold on again.. then I get it then I hold on again. But I have to let go. I have to let my AH go and be in God's will.  This is not to say I wont go visit him in the hospital with a cupcake later though.

So so grateful for today!

thanks for reading.