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My dad got sober last year. I thought things were getting better until he met a woman on a dating website who is going to Gamblers Anonymous and left my mom. In my opinion, he is acting almost as crazy as he was when he was drinking. This woman is a complete loony toon - no one can stand her - she is loud, swears, and acts like a fool. He is showing signs that he is getting tired of her, but she is hanging on for dear life. We don't think she had much luck with men and is desperate for one. He's been spending less time with her, but whenever he gets stressed out, he goes running back to her for some kind of fix, I think. Their relationship seems to be based on getting high off each other's recovery.
Is there any hope for this relationship to ever be over? What should we do in meantime?
Welcome - and thanks for posting. I have experience with a similar situation.
I think you can express your concerns to your dad - once. Try not to tell him what to do. Just express your concern. It may be crazy, it may not make any sense, but it is his choice, just as the drinking is/was. When it gets painful enough for him he may stop. In the meantime I would suggest taking care of yourself...he'll do what he's going to do, no matter what you say about it. I hope you get the chance to check out some alanon meetings too because they can really help. http:///www.alanon-alateen.org
Thanks for the good advice. Am I not seeing something about this relationship? Could it be good for him? Is it common for addicts to get together like this and is it healthy?
I use to have this running joke with my parents. "Parents are the hardest people to raise. But they can also turn out to be your best friend. So go easy on them." My father married a horrible woman after my Mom passed away. Talk about psychotic! I mean this woman has issues beyond issues. But at first my Dad seemed happy, so I let it be. My sister on the other hand, did not. It caused a great deal of friction for 10 years. It's a tough dilemma. If you know that she makes your Dad happy (as odd as that may seem to you and others) then you might want to leave it alone. On the other hand, if there is destructive behavior what choice do you have but to gently talk to him about. I'd be afraid that if you were reallly vehement about her (like my sister was with our Dad) then he might just do the opposite thing, and stay with her. Much like a teenager rebelling.
I have heard that some addicts will choose to be with other active addicts as partners because while one is active it is easier for the recovering addict to stay sober. However, there is always the chance the recovering addict will turn into a co-dependent. Kind of a double-edged sword, no?
You can't force a relationship to begin or end. Hard enough to keep the ones your involved with healthy, lone enough worrying about one in which you really have no say. After all he is an adult.
Keep coming back to us, and remember to be good to yourself. Take care.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
No advice here, just suggestions :) Someone once told me that I should envision myself as standing in the middle of a hula hoop. Anything inside the hoop is my business. Anything outside the hoop is not. Whatever your dad's relationship with this woman is, it's his to figure out. Let him do it. You have choices about how you handle yourself around that relationship, though. Keep the focus on you and you'll be okay.
