The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Days of Healing Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty, Daily Meditations for Adult Children
Many of us are afraid of the wounded child living within us. We are afraid of remembering too much, afraid of feeling overwhelmed, afraid of the rage that will be stirred up. But in spite of all that learned fear, there is good reason to listen to what that precious part of us has to say. Our child is still there -- within. That child still speaks messages of innocence and still waits to be heard and acknowledged. It is the child within, although it may be wounded, that waits to teach us and lead us along the road of recovery. Often the child leads the adult to wisdom. As I become stronger, I am more willing and able than I used to be to spend time with my inner child. What would your inner child like to do today?
##########ROSIE....oh i was scared to death of my inner child....she acted out in awful ways....explosive anger...sabotaging me....the rage/ demanding my attention...panic attacks...it was awful.....i wanted to smother her into permanent silence.....really, i hated her at first.....i did not realize that she had absorbed allthe horrible karma happening to me during the abuse, she was the one who crawled inside to keep us from going nuts or dying....it was my IC that came up with the wonderful/ resourceful thing of *disassociation* during the incest.....she *shut us down* she was the one who *let the fuses blow* so the overload would not kill us.......she was the one who taught me how to fantasize when my world was so intolerable/ so *hellacious* that i was being overwhelmed....in those days there were no *calms after the storms* for me to rest/ rebuild up for the NEXT disaster....it was just one disaster after anohter....i became so *shell shocked* from the incest on me....the violence to all us kids...the drunken rantings of my alcohol soaked mother......
.my IC taught me and brought me to *numbing out* *disassociative* getting away.....leaving that intolerable situation to my *other world* where i was happy.....i would curl up in my bed and *go to my other life* totally oblivious to what was goin on around me.......or so i thought.....it as there...i was aware...it was going into my sub-mind....but hidden till it was time to *let it out and deal*.....than when it did begin comming to the surface, it did in increments of panic attacks....IBS.....heart palpitrations........out of control rage......temper tantrums.........my IC was trying to discharge all this outrage and grief and i numbed her with abuseing alcohol.....self medication with tranquilizing drugs.....eating.....fantasy....anything to numb the pain and quiet the fear/panic!!!!!! as it ate me...i became closer and closer to suicides that were REAL!!!!
my first attempt was at age 12...i grabbed some sleeping aids (sominex???) and drank a whole litre of seagrams 7....i was unconscious for TWO days.....it is so weird!!! i was *over my body---floating* and i could SEE the perp throwing me all around the room cursing me as he kicked my limp body!!! there i was!!! floating about, watching this!!! he finally tired of his game, i guess because i was unresponsive, and he walked out..leaving me on the floor in a bloody heap!!!! i woke up two days later, AMAZINGLY with my brain function unscathed, madder than hell, cause i survived it!!! i threw up for another 2 days, could not hold down food!! felt like hell AND i was angry!!! , AND sore from my being *thrown around the room*...my mother was on a *binge* during the whole time and was clueless of my "seagrams sabatical"......
so until i got into recovery i spent my life.....drinking / dreaming/ fantasizing/ tranquilizing to numb my pain..my inner child(ren) were too drousy to give me grief...so the stuff (pain/anger/grief) sat in the *cellar* to turn septic..........
than it was recovery!!!! i had NO clue as to what i would face...how i would feel....(i had doubts of this even working, much less helping me).....i see the steps, and i think "yeah right".....but i did it!!! i worked it!!! i jumped into the swimming pool with a big splash.....i worked around the *God stuff* Bcuz i had NO love NO trust NO desire for any cold/uncaring/remote/punitive/capricious diety out side of me!!!! so i worked around it...i called the program my higher power......that worked till i could SEE FEEL the love within the *hallowed walls* of this program....than i looked INside of me and found my HP.....step 4 nearly *did me in*...but i did it....did it again.....again.....and AGAIN, and i saw the good parts of me!!!! the *keeper* aspects of me.......and FINALLY , i was able to appreciate the poor/ battered/ *back burnered*/ hated/ desperate to be noticed and validated, Inner child.....i call the *feisty one* "mrs. dee dee" the *mellow, easy to get on with one* "lil rosie"......to say i wanted to choke/ throttle "mrs. dee dee" is an understatement.....now???? she is my stree smart little one who can "spot an unsafe person a mile off" "lil rosie" is my creative one!!!! she is the writer, the teacher, the creative one........."mrs. dee dee" is my protector of my feelings...she is intense/ passionate......she is my FRIEND......i listen to the little buggar now!!!!! i listen and she enriches me with her cunning/ her will to survive/ her "i am HERE and i am NOT going away" spirit......both of them are my pals....
they are the closest part of me that communicates with my HP, without preamble...without any bulls***........what you see??? is what you get!!!! it was mrs. dee dee who warned me over and over that my "adopted family" was a joke...dishonesty deluxe!!!!! she acted out plenty to make me see that it was "time to leave!!" it took me a while, but i listened....i became aware....i acted (left).......now?? she knows she doesn't have to come on like a tornado to make me listen....because i DO!!!!! now??? instead of wanting to choke her, i want to hug and thank her for being my "saving grace" during all the evil!!! she is the one who kept me from going completely crackers or dying!!!!!!! thank you DONE
