The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been one crazy ride. After all the tears and back and forth about whether to try to get out of the sale of our house to work things out. I resigned myself to the fact that if I push my ex to keep the house, it can only backfire. I need to let it all go. I held off calling the buyers and seeing if they would agree to back out. My ex, in the meantime, has said things like ‘the house is already sold, we can’t get out of it.’ She told a mutual friend that she is leaving it in God’s hands. My ex is convinced that we need time apart, which I see, but if we are really going to try working this out, I don’t see why we need to sell the house, find new places to live, divide our belongings and uproot the kids. It will just add more stress to an already difficult situation. If our situation was abusive, that is another story entirely. To me, having a difference of opinion, discussing painful things from a different perspective, and getting emotional sometimes does not constitute abuse. Maybe I’m wrong.
We have a ‘counseling session’ tonight with a couple who have reached out to us to help us through this, to see if we can repair our marriage. They are the parents of our daughter’s friend, and went through a very difficult time themselves and managed to save their own marriage at the brink of divorce. I have been very hopeful that they can help us, they fixed their relationship by realizing that they each needed to improve themselves and stop trying to fix the other one. They rely very much on God to help them. Although there is no addiction involved, from talking to them I see a lot of ‘12 step’ similarities. I’m hoping that they can help us get back on track because they have been exactly where we are now. Apparently my ex told our friend that she has broken it off with her boyfriend, but I still am being cautious.
Last night my ex accused me of not wanting to work on our relationship. This really hurt. As a reality check I re-sent an email I wrote to her last February:
I love you very much and need to tell you some things that have been on my mind for a while but couldn’t express.
I feel we have so much to be thankful for. I would like us to try to be a family again.
The hardest thing for me to accept is when I look at how much I have changed over the past year and a half, and realize that there is so much about me you aren’t even aware of. Or thinking that I have hurt you so deeply in the past, you don’t want to see the positive changes in me.
Self hatred is a very hard thing for me to accept and try to overcome. I feel that I’m a better man now than I was when we first fell in love. It really pains me to think that you could fall in love and marry the old me, and I don’t see you even trying to find out what I’m like now. I know the pain I’ve caused is very deep and it’s difficult to forgive. At least I no longer deny that it exists. I want you to know that I realize I have been a lousy husband and partner for a long time. I can’t even say I want things to be like they used to. It was very hard for me to express love for you when I hated myself so deeply. I no longer feel like that. I have been on a very difficult journey to find that love for myself. I am very thankful you stood by me and believed in me and loved me when I was incapable of it myself. I don’t think I ever expressed how much I appreciate what you did and I’m sorry if I took you for granted. (I realize I took a lot of things for granted.) You helped save my life. Please give me an opportunity to make it up to you and make things right. I can’t do this alone. It’s impossible to give you something back if you won’t accept it.
I realize that I have a very hard time trying to talk to you. I know how much I love you. I know how much I want to be the partner and friend you deserve. I know, deep down, how much I care for you. I know that my motives are honorable. I’m still having a problem letting old thoughts and reactions get in the way when I try to tell you how I feel. It is so hard to change patterns of self-defense, fear and insecurity that have been with me my whole life. (I think you may find some of that in yourself if you look hard enough.) I realize I’m not perfect and still have a lot of work to do on myself.
I am very confused as to what to do. I see the kids’ world crumbling around them and it kills me. It seems that no matter what I try to do, it’s wrong. When I try to back off and give you space and that turns out to be wrong also.
I do not want to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the kids. We all deserve better than that. You stuck with me through my worst; can you at least try a little longer now that I’m getting better? I can’t promise things will work out but I can say that I’m no longer capable of the horrible things I did in my past. Can you please try to keep an open mind to keeping an open mind about us? I still think we owe it to Dominick and Veronica to at least try. I can’t imagine either one of us finding someone else to be with who could love our kids as much as we do. Please let’s try to get help to get through this.
Love,
Lou
Does that sound like I wasn't trying?
Anyway, I got a call from my real estate agent a few hours ago and she said that the buyers are backing out of the purchase. She even said we may have a legitimate lawsuit to sue for breach of contract (something I’m not sure about right now one way or the other) I know this is God working in our lives right now, and it really gives me faith to leave the outcome of this, however it goes, in his hands.
I’m hoping we can clear the air about a lot of this stuff tonight, with the help of God and our new friends.
Yup, sounds like HP has stepped in to me! You wrote your wife a beautiful letter! Maybe you are like me? Can write things easier than say them? Maybe at first, you could write what you want to say, and gradually it will be easier to say them? Best of luck to you, sending lotsa prayers, Love TLC
It is so hard to do accept things that come our way without knowing why. This last year has been such a life changing and growing period for me, but at times has been awful for the fact I changed my A has remained for the most part the same. He truly seems to be trying now, I think us being separated for a short time has something to do with that, and that's okay. Today in the reading of "the language of letting go" talked about grieving and going through the grieving process. I do grieve for some things in my relationship with my A, some of those things I have accepted, some I haven't but know I will. Change is hard, even when it's change for the best. It seems things are being worked out in your life and you may be in that "waiting" period. That is a hard one too. To wait and not want to rush in and "fix" or "interrupt our HP"...Hang in there. You and yours are in my prayers.
Lou - of course your letters, and posts, show that you are trying..... what you may want to re-examine, is if you are allowing her the dignity and space to recover, at HER pace. We all want things to happen on our time.... As Al-Anons, we want our A's to choose recovery NOW, and then start the process of patching up our relationships NOW, and get frustrated when these things happen on HP's schedule, and not our own....
Speaking bluntly, I kind of read an underlying "I am finally ready, why isn't she?" into a lot of your posts.... I think that we are ALL guilty of this same type of thinking at times.... The answers to your questions, are really the same for a recovering alcoholic or a recovering Al-Anon - work on yourself, and your recovery.... let life proceed as it will proceed....
Food for thought, I hope....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is. Being patient, and allowing things to play themselves out as they should is the hardest thing to do. Maybe Tom is right in giving her the time to heal. After all you didn't want to rush your recovery. You wanted to be sure that you go it "right" (for lack of a better word). I think that it would only be fair to allow her the time she needs.
I understand how badly you want things to work out, not just for the two of you but for the chidren as well. But if you rush things and make snap decisions then it can only backfire. The letter you wrote was beautiful and you most certainly are trying.
I'm going to throw one thing out just for the heck of it. By chance can she be deliberately throwing up road blocks to her recovery and your reconciliation because she's not ready for it? Do you know what I mean. My A use to deliberately sabotage things for us, just as a way of testing me and us. When I talked to him about this a couple of months ago, he never realized that he was doing it. He had to think about it for awhile. He talked it over with his councelor, and realized that the reason he was doing this was because he was unsure of himself and his ability to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. His past history told him that everyone failed because it was his fault (so he thought). As much as she loves you, maybe she just isn't ready for the "real" one. Because that carries a whole new set of responsibilities. I'm sorry, I'm really fumbling with this. Can anybody understand what I'm trying to say, and say it for me please?
I hope this couple will be able to help you. Hang in there and continue to be good to yourself. You're a good person and deserve to be happy.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
hi Lou, what's with the signs? I don't put any store in signs, except those thatcome from prayer and meditation (that quiet voice inside). You still have a choice to stay or go. Your wife has a choice to stay or go. I hope you and she don't let others vote on your marriage. Let it be your decision.
I know it's scarey, but it is my belief if I make the wrong decision I can right it later. I see proof of this throughout my life. It's not easy, but it's my life so I need to drive it in a way that benefits moi.
Take care - and try not to let the real estate drama de-rail you. --- Jill
Hi, Its very frusterating when things dont go the way we want them to go or the way we thing they should go. God has his overal plan for us and it may not be the way we want , but it is what is best. We dont see the whole picture , we can only see from our own small perspective of things, whereas god sees it all. There is a reading in Hope for Today , cant remember the exact page number but its listed under step 11 , which explains this perfectly and really helped me. I have been through a similar situation to you , and it is heart breaking, frusterating and unkind. I still struggle with and love me ex-a, but i have resigned myself to the fact that no matter how much i want us to make another go of it , it isnt going to happen and its not what god has planned for me. I hope things work out for you.
You wrote a lovely letter to your wife and it does show you care. Perhaps she has her own inner demons to work through that are keeping her from crossing the line of giving in. Protection mode is often very hard to break out of.
As far as the buyers backing out..Yeah, I think that was HP working for you and a gift. Suing them would be an ungrateful thing to do since it is what you wanted, IMO. But that's just me :)
Hang in there! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
In Pia Mellody's book, Love Addiction, she has a chapter on entering or reentering a relationship. I find it very helpful. The guidelines give you perimeters keep the emotions at bay and deal with things from an intellectual point of view. She says that recovery is done from the intellect.
