The material presented
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I feel so alone most of the time. I do all the financial stuff in our home because my husband won't do it. He would rather just drink. He's a functioning A and it drives me nuts. I'm so angry. I don't let him drive the kids in the evening and I know he hides the booze in his truck. I just cringe when he touches me. He ignores what I say most of the time. I'd be better off by myself but I don't want the kids to know the extent of the problem. They just think dad falls asleep a lot because he's tired. Meanwhile, I grow more distant and angry every day.
Gee-this sounds sooo familiar. I was where you are a couple of years ago (but I do occasionally revisit there--lol) Yea, I still do the bills. I like the control. But I do address the behavior (when he is not high) I also quit waiting around for him to participate in our lives. i just did stuff with my kids and asked him if he wanted to join in-- eventually he got sick of missing out on things or being ignored by the kids,BUT he needed to figure that out himself. I don't think there is a trick to not being angry--for me, the first step was to even admit that I was angry! I like to deny that I resent doing it all (martyr that I am) Just keep reading and posting. there is so much support here. take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I think it's completely natural to feel anger at an active A partner. Afterall, they cannot really participate in the marriage in any real sense if they are active--financially, spiritually, etc. they may just not be there. I agree with gknee that it's important to acknowledge your anger (even if it's just to yourself or to a very trusted friend). I used to think that I should be able to "think" my way into a better place, and just "get over" the anger, but I've found for me that that doesn't really work. My feelings are legitmate, and I deserve to have a place to express and work through them. Taking care of me means recognizing that I need a "safe-place" to acknowledge and work through these feelings. For me, it means talking to a good and trusted friend, meeting regularly with an individual therapist, and attending Alanon.
I also used to focus on how much the other person was a "cause" of my anger and if they only did XYZ, I wouldn't be so angry. More recently, I've been learning to use my anger as a guide to take better care of myself and to create boundaries to protect myself. When I notice myself getting really angry, I notice what's really going on. I also notice when the same situation seems to trigger anger over and over again. One thing that I notice for me is that if I really look closely I often get angry because I am not really taking care of me FIRST. This often happens in small, but really real ways. For example, I started to notice that even without quite realizing it, I plan my life around other people. Simple example: A friend calls and wants to get together. I adjust my schedule so that we can get together, and cut short something else that I had planned to do that day. The friend get's caught up in a project and is very late to our get-together. I am furious! In this situation, I would fume about the lateness. However, I realized that I was really angry because I had changed my plans to accomodate them (without saying so or really realizing that's what I was doing). Now, I try to think first about what I REALLY want to do, do I really want to cut something else short that's important to me, especially if the person I'm meeting is known to be unreliable? Also, I set a boundary for myself. If the person is more than 15 minutes late, I leave.
Within your post, though, I also hear that you're taking so much responsibility for your household. Another question that I've been asking myself is "What is really true here?" and list the "facts" of the situation. In your case, what may be really true is that you are handling all of the major responsibilities in your marriage. If you're handling everything, it seems the perfect place to really balance all of your responsiblities by taking care of YOU. Creating times where you can play and be carefree to counterbalance the stress of the situation, for example. Use your anger to locate your unmet needs and then try to meet them in a healthy, safe manner. Work out, journal, read a book, get together with friends. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave the marriage, you still have a responsibility to YOU to take care of YOU. Try to find all the kindest, gentlest, most loveable ways to really treat yourself with the dignity, respect, and love you deserve.
One thing that is tough about living with any addiction is the thinking cycle we can get into of “if/then” statements. If only he would pay more attention to me then I would feel the love I deserve, if he would only stop using then my family would be normal again, if only he would just start sharing more responsibility around here then I would not feel like I’ve got the world on my shoulders and alone doing it all. The truth is, we cannot make them do anything different. And, that frustration can mount up a lot of painful and debilitating anger.
My “trick” to handling anger was focusing on myself and learning ways to express it in a healthy way. I was a double-edged sword. I could slice someone verbally five ways to Sunday or I could pull away and not say a word for days. Either way, I’m not only hurting someone else but also hurting my family and myself. Not healthy.
That is where meetings and sharing with others came into my picture. When I was angry and did not have enough “tools” of my own to express it in a healthy way and get it out of my system, I went to a meeting to deflate the balloon, so to speak. In sharing my feelings with others, and equally, listening to others share their feelings/experiences, I no longer felt “so alone.” And, when I realized how many people cared and knew what I was dealing with, I started to pay attention to what they were doing different that allowed them to really enjoy life, to laugh, take care of themselves and their children, not worry so much, not feel so trapped, not feel so angry.
But it started with meetings for me and, Step by Step, literally, learning ways to take care of me and realize that I do have choices and the power to change my own life. I learned to make choices that let me feel good about me. I deserved that.
As a result, anger for me today is no longer a stream of screaming four-letter words (ha) nor is it days of silence.
My thoughts and prayers are with you....((((Hugs too)))
I feel every ounce of resentment and exhaustion in your post! I too control the finances. At first out of necessity. Now (9 years later) I have accepted that as my gift/strength to the marraige.
I too have a husband who drinks at night, and smokes pot. My children also think he is tired.
My attitude is one of acceptance. I have chosen to accept this. I tried being seperated from this situation for 3 years. I was no happier without him, therefore eliminating the fact that HE was the cause of all my unhappiness... ick, what a revelation. That meant I had some work to do! What a difference now that I have changed my perspective. My kids are learning that if they want a peice of dad that they have to get it right after school/work. I am learning that if I find the finances too overwhelming, I can just show him what is going on. His natural instinct kicks in and he is a good sounding board when it comes to prioritizing, as long as he doesn't get the actual cash or access to cash.
That is my experience anyhow. I hope it helps.
Aron
Keep going to meetings and pray for some understanding of what you are to do.
WOW it always amazes me when I read my life experiences in someone else's posting. LOL Yep we live our lives and do what must be done. We are stronger then we give ourselves credit for. When we start focusing on how much and how well we do things and accept that the A will not, no matter how much we fuss at them, life becomes easier. Hang in there.
There is so many old and valuable slogans and sayings in Al-Anon, that really DO speak volumes..... One is that our program of recovery is pretty simple. Not that it is easy, but it IS simple....
It has been my experience that my anger stemmed from the fact that my expectations were not being met - I expected my A not to drink, to be there emotionally & physically for me, to help out around the house, with the kids, etc....
Al-Anon helped me turn the focus back onto me, and I learned about "self-care" (as opposed to "selfish"). Some choose to stay with their active A's, some choose not to.... Neither option is right or wrong, and YOUR best answer would be unique to you and your situation. I DO believe, however, that choosing to remain with an active A, AND combining that with NOT working your own program of recovery, is a recipe for disaster.
Work on you..... do some of the things that you need to do, to renew and refresh your spirit.... Your hubby is acting and behaving as A's do.....
"He's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
To me feeling angry comes with the territory and is perfectly natural. It's what you do with that anger and how you handle that is important. Anger can lead to understanding, if you stop and take the time to figure what is behind it. When I'm feeling particularly angry I've learned to redirect it. Not at someone or something like breaking a glass. But I will take that energy and go for a long hard hike, or scrub the floors by hand (there are days when my floors are spotless.), etc. Once I get it out of my system, then I can objectively stand back and think it through.
The other to ask yourself, is how important is it? Is what I'm angry at worth all the time and energy I'm putting into it? If my cat made a mess because the litter box needed cleaning and I didn't get to it, is it her I'm really angry at or myself for not taking care of her like I should? If my A was drinking and stole all our money to get high or whatever, is it me I'm angry at, or him? See what I mean? It's how you interpret the anger and what you do with it that's important.
Here you'll find many wise ideas and interpretations. Keep coming back to us.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Absolutely! When the A pulls his tricks, I say to myself...this is the disease talking not the person. He is as sick as someone with cancer. He hates himself so he is trying to get a nasty reaction from me because then I would be showing him how he thinks of himself. Then go get a massage, pedicure, manicure, bubble bath, take a nice walk, go roll in the leaves with your kids, watch a funny movie, etc. Do something nice for YOU. You cannot control what comes out of his mouth, his actions, nothing. You CAN do something nice for yourself. I just had a pedicure done. I'm doing things for me because I am not God and I cannot control what anyone does or doesn't do. It took me 37 years to learn that and sometimes I forget. You are supposed to be living a joyful life and you don't need him to do it. Live life for you. Hugs. Lisa
