The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son has been an addict since the age of 14 (there is alcoholism on both sides of his family). He's now 21. He's been in rehab, through years of counseling, joined the navy, got kicked out, worked, just started college and is failing. There's always an excuse - the teacher is stupid, the navy is stupid, etc. I just found out that he is shooting heroin and methadone (he lives 5 hours away). In his case, he crashes and burns BIG TIME - things end with arrests, getting beaten up, stuff like that. Of course, when he's clean and sober, he's a great guy. When he's drinking and on drugs, he's a horrible person. My daughter and I are both angry, and I waffle between, "what should I do to help" and "I can't do anything more to help." It's always the same - he straightens up after a major incident, then goes back. HE blames everyone (me especially) for everything that goes wrong in his life - I grounded him too much, I didn't let him do what he wanted. He lives with a girl (one year) who is a college graduate and seems to have it together - but she is clearly enabling him to put up with all his stuff.
How do you know when to give up? Do you ever give up? Each time he gets better (always for a very short while) and then goes off, it tears a piece of my heart out. I feel so helpless - I love him and I hate to see him so miserable. I just don't know what to do.
You did not cause it, you can't cure it and you you can't control it.
It being their alcoholism or addiction.
Alcoholics lie and blame others. It is what they do.
My A is my husband of 14 years. I can share that when I stopped enabling him financially he hit his bottom and got sober. Staying sober? Well that is up to him not me.
Keep coming back. Find a face to face alanon meeting. Learn all you can
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
As far as when to give up. My thought is never. When I say that I mean never stop praying, or even hoping that he will find recovery.
Addicts and alcoholics blame people, it is the very nature of their disease. If they didn't put the blame off somewhere else they wouldn't be able to justify their behavior. But believe me this is not your fault. It has to be heartbreaking to see your child suffering. It sounds like you have offered treatment and don't enable him. The only thing you can do is take care of yourslef. Keep learning everything you can about this disease and give him to his HP, (Higher Power). Your son has to find his bottom so he will want to seek recovery.
As far as the girl he is living with. I know how frustrating it is to watch someone enabling them to continue their destructive lifestyle, but there is nothing you can do about it.
Keep coming here, and try and get to some face to face meetings. You can't make yourslef stop loving him, so you just keep yourslef strong and healthy. If and when the time comes that he is williing to recover, he will need your love, but even then, he has to do it alone.
I don't think one "ever gives up" with our hearts, when our loved ones are in desperate need..... We do learn, through education and understanding, to "give up" certain behaviors, that aren't helping things....
One way, of "not giving up", is to continue to be open to your son choosing recovery, for himself..... Don't give up on your prayer of this to happen.... Don't give up your faith that one day, he may WANT to get better....
The single biggest thing we can do for the addicts in our lives, is to "lead by example", as in - choose a recovery for ourselves, and hopefully, over time, they will witness substantial positive changes in us, and will want that for themselves...
Take care, and welcome...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
